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  1. #1
    Alabady's Avatar
    Alabady is offline Junior Member
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    Question A weird night- Short story

    Please check the following story. i didn't finish it until now. But i hope to finish it by today. please if it has:

    - Grammar mistakes
    - Spilling mistakes
    - Punctuation mistakes
    - If there is another word, adjective, expression or sentence more powerful then mine don't hesitate to inform me.
    - Or if there any other mistakes Please write it down . and I'll be thankful for your comment/comments.


    -----------------------------------------------------------

    A weird night which will never be forgotten as long as I'm alive. Up until that night, I was living in a normal, bore and aimless life. Most of the people in my small village work as farmers in their fields. It was a normal day as it was for many others. I spent it as I usually do - School, helping father in his farm and playing with my younger sisters. However, that day was a little different. We had an exhausted working day in our field that's why I laid on my bed, as soon as I got home.
    At almost midnight I felt as there were some bodies whispering in my bedroom. With difficulty, I tried to open my drowsy eyes, Whenever, I opened them, I found two people had caught my shoulder up. First I thought it was a nightmare. However, it wasn't. Two people were standing next to my bed, and they were talking in unintelligible language which I couldn't understand even a word from their speech. Afterwards their bodies were lightened up, and I recognized that they weren't as humanness as us. They were Aliens. That moment my body was trembling of fear.

  2. #2
    mmasny is offline Key Member
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    Default Re: A weird night- Short story

    Quote Originally Posted by Alabady View Post
    Please check the following story. i didn't finish it until now. But i hope to finish it by today. please if it has:

    - Grammar mistakes
    - Spilling mistakes
    - Punctuation mistakes
    - If there is another word, adjective, expression or sentence more powerful then mine don't hesitate to inform me.
    - Or if there any other mistakes Please write it down . and I'll be thankful for your comment/comments.


    -----------------------------------------------------------

    A weird night which will never be forgotten (Who will not forget? You or people in general? Now, it means the latter.) as long as I'm alive. Up until that night, I was living in (We don't live in our lives. We live our lives.) a normal, boring and aimless life. Most of the people in my small village worked (I don't see any reason for changing the tense to present unless you want to stress the fact that they still do it. But I don't think you should stress it.) as farmers in their fields. It was a normal day as it was for many others. (What is the function the red part?) I spent it as I usually did - school, helping my father in (I would use 'at', but I'm not sure about it) the farm and playing with my younger sisters. However, that day was (turned out?) a little (a little??) different.
    (It's better to end the paragraph here.)
    We had had an exhausting day of work in the field, so I laid on my bed (no comma) as soon as I got home. Shortly before midnight I heard some whispering in my bedroom. With difficulty, I tried to open my drowsy eyes, Whenever, I opened them (So you opened them several times? You should have said it before then.), I found out that two people had clutched my shoulder(s?) up. First, I thought it was a nightmare. However, it wasn't. Two people were standing next to my bed, and they were talking in an unintelligible language which I couldn't understand even a word from their speech. Afterwards their bodies were lightened up, and I recognized that they weren't as humanlike as I had thought before. They were Aliens. That moment my body was trembling of fear.
    Hi, please remember that I am not a teacher.
    Your text isn't bad. It needs some correction though, and probably by a more skillful hand than mine.

  3. #3
    Alabady's Avatar
    Alabady is offline Junior Member
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    Default What do you mean with this comment ?

    Hi mmasny,
    first of all thanks a lot for your help

    -------------------------------------------------------------
    A weird night which will never be forgotten (Who will not forget? You or people in general? Now, it means the latter.)
    i mean i will not forget it forever
    How can i phrase it again in a good way ?

    -------------------------------------------------------------
    What do you mean with this comment ?
    Whenever, I opened them (So you opened them several times? You should have said it before then.),
    -------------------------------------------------------------
    and what does this word mean ? becausei couldn't find it in the dictionary ?
    humanlike
    -------------------------------------------------------------

  4. #4
    Alabady's Avatar
    Alabady is offline Junior Member
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    Question Re: A weird night- Short story

    Please check it again

    -----------------------------------

    A weird night which will never be forgotten as long as I'm alive. Up until that night, I was living a normal, boring and aimless life. Most of the people in my small village were working as farmers in their fields. It was a normal day . I spent it as I usually did - school, helping my father in the farm and playing with my younger sister- .However, that day was different.

    We had had an exhausting day of work in the field. So I laid on my bed as soon as I got home. Shortly after midnight I heard some whispering in my bedroom. With difficulty, I tried to open my drowsy eyes, Whenever, I did, I found out that two people had clutched my shoulders. First I thought it was a nightmare. Whenever, I realized it wasn't, I desperately started finding a way to escape. Two people were standing next to my bed, the room was in darkness, that's why I couldn't see them clearly, and they were talking in unintelligible language, which made me more anxious and frightened. Afterwards their bodies were lightened up, and I recognized that they weren't as humanness as I had thought before, they were Aliens. That moment my body was trembling of fear.

    The one who was on my left covered my head with transparent silk black bag, Then the other alien circled his hands around my neck strangling me, and he started to tighten the circle more and more. Then the other Alien sprayed a strange spray on my nose. The smell of the spray was close to the smell of the garlic. At the moment, the one who had strangled me started to widen the circle slowly; I began to loss my consciousness.

    Later, I found myself between the conscious and unconscious in the center of fields tightened to a palm tree and six of those aliens were circling me. They were physically similar, but the way they were wearing was a little different from each other.

    "Welcome back" those were the first words I could understand from them. And they blurted out in a very strange way by their boss. "I don't expect an answer from you now because you are anesthetized" He continued confidently his speech without any interrupting from my side "But don't worry after three minutes you'll be able to. And I think those three minutes are plenty of time to tell you our offer to you"


  5. #5
    mmasny is offline Key Member
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    Default Re: What do you mean with this comment ?

    Quote Originally Posted by Alabady View Post
    A weird night which will never be forgotten (Who will not forget? You or people in general? Now, it means the latter.)
    i mean i will not forget it forever
    How can i phrase it again in a good way ?

    A wierd night that I will never forget. And 'as long as I'm alive' is unnecessary. 'Never' is even stronger.

    What do you mean with this comment ?
    Whenever, I opened them (So you opened them several times? You should have said it before then.)
    'Whenever' means 'on every occasion'. So it implies that there were several times when you opened your eyes. If you opened your eyes just once you should have written 'when I opened them.' Do you understand it now?
    and what does this word mean ? becausei couldn't find it in the dictionary ?
    humanlike
    'Humanlike' means 'similar to a human'.
    Last edited by mmasny; 03-Apr-2010 at 14:52.

  6. #6
    kfredson is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: A weird night- Short story

    I think that Mmasny did a very good job. I would only add a couple things (in bold)

    It was a weird night which will never be forgotten (Who will not forget? You or people in general? Now, it means the latter.) as long as I live. Up until that night, I was living in (We don't live in our lives. We live our lives.) a normal, boring and aimless life. Most of the people in my small village worked (I don't see any reason for changing the tense to present unless you want to stress the fact that they still do it. But I don't think you should stress it.) as farmers in their fields. It was a normal day as it was for many others. (What is the function the red part?) I spent it as I usually did - school, helping my father on (I would use 'at', but I'm not sure about it) the farm and playing with my younger sisters. However, that day was (turned out?) a little (a little??) different.
    (It's better to end the paragraph here.)
    We had had an exhausting day of work in the field, so I laid went to lie on my bed (no comma) as soon as I got home. Shortly before midnight I heard some whispering in my bedroom. With difficulty, I tried to open my drowsy eyes, Whenever, I opened them (So you opened them several times? You should have said it before then.), I found out that two people had clutched my shoulder(s?) up. First, I thought it was a nightmare. However, it wasn't. Two people were standing next to my bed, and they were talking in an unintelligible language which I couldn't understand even a word from their speech. Afterwards their bodies were lightened up turned bright (?), and I recognized that they weren't as human-like as I had thought before. They were Aliens. That moment my body was trembling of fear.
    Last edited by kfredson; 03-Apr-2010 at 14:47.

  7. #7
    kfredson is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: A weird night- Short story

    Oh, I'm sorry, Alabady. I was responding to your personal message to look at this thread and I seem to have sent my reply to the whole group. I have only looked at the text of your first post, not your expanded version. Perhaps someone else can help you there.

  8. #8
    TheParser is offline Key Member
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    Default Re: A weird night- Short story

    Quote Originally Posted by Alabady View Post
    Please check the following story. i didn't finish it until now. But i hope to finish it by today. please if it has:

    - Grammar mistakes
    - Spilling mistakes
    - Punctuation mistakes
    - If there is another word, adjective, expression or sentence more powerful then mine don't hesitate to inform me.
    - Or if there any other mistakes Please write it down . and I'll be thankful for your comment/comments.

    -----------------------------------------------------------


    A weird night which will never be forgotten as long as I'm alive. Up until that night, I was living in a normal, bore and aimless life. Most of the people in my small village work as farmers in their fields. It was a normal day as it was for many others. I spent it as I usually do - School, helping father in his farm and playing with my younger sisters. However, that day was a little different. We had an exhausted working day in our field that's why I laid on my bed, as soon as I got home.

    At almost midnight I felt as there were some bodies whispering in my bedroom. With difficulty, I tried to open my drowsy eyes, Whenever, I opened them, I found two people had caught my shoulder up. First I thought it was a nightmare. However, it wasn't. Two people were standing next to my bed, and they were talking in unintelligible language which I couldn't understand even a word from their speech. Afterwards their bodies were lightened up, and I recognized that they weren't as humanness as us. They were Aliens. That moment my body was trembling of fear.
    I will never ever forget a weird night I once had.
    Until then, I was living a normal boring and aimless existence.
    As I usually do -- going to school, helping
    an exhausting working day
    I lay on my bed
    Two persons had picked me up by the shoulders
    talking in an unintelligible
    which I could not understand a word of
    (I don't understand the sentence with "lightened up")
    They weren't humans like us
    trembling in fear

  9. #9
    Alabady's Avatar
    Alabady is offline Junior Member
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    Question Please check it again ...

    A weird night which I will never forget as long as I'm alive. Up until that night, I was living a normal, boring and aimless life. Most of the people in my small village were working as farmers in their fields. It was a normal day. I spent it as I usually did - school, helping my father in the farm and playing with my younger sister- .However, that day was different.
    We had had an exhausting working day in the field. So I laid on my bed, as soon as I got home. Shortly after midnight I heard some whispering in my bedroom. With difficulty, I tried to open my drowsy eyes, and when I did; I found out that two people had clutched my shoulders. First I thought it was a nightmare. Whenever, I realized it wasn't, I desperately started finding a way to escape. Two people were standing next to my bed, the room was in darkness, that's why I couldn't see them clearly, and they were talking in unintelligible language, which made me more anxious and frightened. Afterwards, their bodies were lightened up, and I recognized that they weren't as humanlike as I had thought before, they were Aliens. At that moment my body was trembling in fear.
    The one who was on my left covered my head with transparent silk black bag, Then the other alien circled his hands around my neck strangling me, and he started to tighten the circle more and more. After that the other Alien sprayed a strange spray on my nose. The smell of the spray was close to the smell of the garlic. At the moment, the one who had strangled me started to widen the circle slowly; I began to loss my consciousness.
    Later, I found myself between the conscious and unconscious in the center of fields tightened to a palm tree and six of those aliens were circling me. They were physically similar, but the way they were wearing was a little different from each other.
    "Welcome back" those were the first words I could understand from them. And they blurted out in a very strange way by their boss. "I don't expect an answer from you now because you are anesthetized" He continued his speech confidently without any interrupting from my side. "But don't worry after three minutes you'll be able to. And I think those three minutes are plenty of time to tell you about our offer to you".
    After that he asked me if I would help them by answering some questions about living on earth, and by letting them make some safe -as they said- procedures on my body, and in return they will make me a talented person on the earth plant, and in the end, they asked me not to tell anybody whoever he/she was about our secret deal. Until, he finished talking about his offer I wasn't able to talk. As soon as he finished I was shocked and amazed in the same time. 'Talented', 'safe', 'procedures', and many things were running out my head. "What if I answered him with YES" and "What if I answered him NO?"
    "What do you mean with a talented person?" I asked.
    He took a deep breath and delight was showing in both his face and voice when he answered "I meant to install whatever you want to be a talented-in your life to your mind with a technology that no body on the earth discover it till now".
    "What do you think" he asked.
    I was thinking, whether I had the choice or not. And I thought that I don't have it. That's why my answer came "Yes, I want" to him.
    While others were bringing their machines out of their aircraft, two of them started to paint my head and neck with a green gel. As soon as they finished painting me they started to but me into their machine.
    Afterwards, their boss came closer and started questioning me. Almost before he finished his questions, they had informed him that; the appropriate major for me is the art. I was totally amazed how they had knew my beloved major without asking me, the boss asked me whether I want to develop and enhance my skills in this major or I want to change it?. My answer was "NO, I don't want to change it. I like arts".
    "Install the algorithms of arts into his mind "the boss ordered them. Immediately, one of them started to press machine buttons fast and carefully.
    And I lost my consciousness again.
    Next morning I felt a terrible headache and my head was heavy as it hadn't been ever before, and my eyes started to see colors with more contrast and brightness which made me very confused. As soon as I felt ok, I went to the farm near the palm tree to search about any thing can answer my questions about the previous night. Unfortunately I couldn't. But after that night I became a fan of arts more than I had been and I majored it in the faculty, and I became a talented person in the arts, and I achieved a lot of prizes.
    Until now, I don't know whether it was real or just a nightmare.
    Last edited by Alabady; 03-Apr-2010 at 18:14.

  10. #10
    Alabady's Avatar
    Alabady is offline Junior Member
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    Question Re: A weird night- Short story

    A weird night which I will never forget as long as I'm alive.
    We had had an exhausting day working in our field, so I laid on my bed, as soon as I got home. Shortly after midnight I heard some whispering in my bedroom. With difficulty, I tried to open my drowsy eyes, and when I did; I found out that two people had clutched my shoulders. First I thought it was a nightmare. When I realized it wasn't, I desperately started finding a way to escape, but how could I while two people were standing next to my bed, the room was totally scary since it was dark, that's why I couldn't see them clearly. They were talking in an unintelligible language, which made me more anxious and frightened. Afterwards, their bodies lightened up green light, and I recognized that they weren't as humanlike as I had thought before; they had three eyes in a random spots of their faces, long ears and Hairy faces. They look like monkeys but they weren't. At that moment, my body was trembling in fear.

    The one on my left covered my head with a transparent silk black bag, then the other alien circled his hands around my neck strangling me, and he started to tighten the circle more and more. After that the other alien sprayed a strange spray on my nose. The smell of the spray was close to the smell of the garlic. At that moment, the one who had strangled me started to widen the circle slowly; I began to loss consciousness.

    Later, I found myself between the conscious and unconscious in a field tied to a palm tree and six aliens were circling me. They were physically similar, but what they were wearing was a little different from each other.

    "Welcome back" those were the first words I could understand from them, and they were blurted out in a very strange way by their leader. "I don't expect an answer from you now because you are anesthetized" He continued his speech confidently without any interrupting from my side. "But don't worry, after three minutes you'll be able to. And I think those three minutes are plenty of time to tell you about our offer to you".

    After that he asked me if I would help them by answering some questions about the nature of life on earth, and by allowing them to make some safe -as they said- procedures on my body. In return, they will make me a talented person, and in the end, they asked me not to tell anybody about our secret deal. Until, he finished talking about his offer, I wasn't able to talk. As soon as he finished, I was shocked and amazed at the same time. 'Talented', 'safe', 'procedures', and many things were running through my head. "What if I answered him with YES" and "What if I answered him NO?"

    "What do you mean by a talented person?" I asked.

    He took a deep breath and delight was showing in both his face and voice when he answered "I meant to install whatever you want to be a talented-in your life to your mind with a technology that nobody on earth knows about it until now".

    "What do you think" he asked.

    I was thinking, whether I had the choice or not. And I thought that I don't have it. That's why my answer came "Yes, I want" to him.

    While others were bringing their machines out of their spacecraft, two of them started to paintmy head and neck with a green gel. As soon as they finished painting me, they started to put me into their machine.

    Afterwards, their leader came closer and started questioning me. Almost before he finished his questions, they had informed him that; the appropriate major for me is the art. I was totally amazed how they had known my beloved major without asking me, the leader asked me whether I want to develop and enhance my skills in this major, or I want to change it?. My answer was "NO, I don't want to change it. I like arts".
    "Install the algorithms of arts into his mind "the
    leader ordered them. Immediately, one of them started to press machine buttons fast and carefully. And I lost consciousness again.

    Next morning I had a terrible headache and my head was heavier than it had ever been before. My eyes started to see colors with more contrast and brightness, which made me very confused. As soon as I felt ok, I went to the field near the palm tree to search for any answers about the previous night. Unfortunately, I couldn't. But( or However - or Nevertheless - or Even so -or just leave But as it is) after that night I became a fan of arts more than I had been, then I majored(should I add (in) here) it in the faculty, and I became a talented person in the arts, and I won a lot of prizes.

    Until now, I don't know whether it was real or just a nightmare.

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