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  1. smaila's Avatar
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    #1

    Post So unfair "my story"

    The sun was shining, the birds were singing, the farmers were
    Working, while Sarah is opening her very small mysterious clever eyes. Sarah was a thirteen- year- old girl .she lived with her parents and her only brother Sami in a small beautiful village.
    Sami was a sweet, jealous, shy, and weak, 10 year- old boy. Sami knew that Sarah hated him very much because their mum and dad loved him more than Sarah. They always brought and did what Sami wanted and went where Sami liked to go. like there is no Sarah ,but Sarah loved him very much in her insides however heís still her young brother . Sami was jealous of Sarah because she was better than him in school but their parents didn't care about that they just cared that he is a boy. Sami was always getting D's and Fís. it was Sunday and Sarah was coming from school now while Sami is lying on his bed pretending that he is sick, Sarah rushed into Sami room and opened the door and said excitedly: Sami Iím going to America Iím going to America , Sami was very shocked and said : what ? but why? and how? Thatís impossible Iím not going to be alone at the school. Sarah told him that the school gave her a scholarship to study whatever she wanted in
    Washington. Then she said in a very low voice: but remember it's a secret don't tell mum or dad. Sami promised not to tell them, and then he slept away. Sarah went to her room while she was thinking what to study. It was the happiest day in her life. Now the mother was calling:"Sami Sarah the food is ready". Sarah was starving so she jumped from her desk. While
    Sami was shouting:" Mum come her please ". In one second his mum and dad were in his room they said nervously in one voice:" what's up honey is there anything wrong?" Sami said: "no but I want to eat in my room I can't walk Iím very tired". The next day they were all setting around the table having dinner silently, suddenly Sami said: "Sarah today they gave a scholarship to all the good students, didn't they give you a one?? Their parents were looking in Sarah's eyes then Sarah said: emmm yeah that's right they gave me a one and went to her room. The parents tried so hard to take the scholarship from Sarah and give it to Sami but everybody told them that Sarah should leave
    the scholarship. They tried with Sarah in many ways but the scholarship in Sarah's hand was like a paper sticked with glue. Sarah was now 18 this year she was going to America after 5 years of pain living with her the family that hated her. She was in the plane now going to Washington. She studied Politics for 5 years then she went back to her village. She was now a very important person in her village. She opened a huge Foundation to educate parents of non-discrimination between males and females. It also educated females to be strong and face their unfair parents. Sarah is now a mum for two girls and a boy she was very fair with them and she loved both of them. She forgot all the pain that she lived it in the past. She is also visiting her old parents in their house and Sami in his own clothes shop
    .
    Read the story and tell me what do you think is it good does it have anything wrong..?
    And thanks alot...

  2. mayita1usa's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: So unfair "my story"

    Hi,
    I think you should post this in the Editing & Writing Topics forum - you might get more responses there!

  3. smaila's Avatar
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    #3

    Re: So unfair "my story"

    Quote Originally Posted by mayita1usa View Post
    Hi,
    I think you should post this in the Editing & Writing Topics forum - you might get more responses there!
    Thanks alot and I will..:)

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    #4

    Re: So unfair "my story"

    I suggest that stories of this kind should be written in the simple present tense. Ex: The sun is shining, the birds are singing etc.

  4. smaila's Avatar
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    #5

    Re: So unfair "my story"

    Quote Originally Posted by Gillnetter View Post
    What a sad story - nice ending though. Take a look at the underlined words. This story is in the past yet you are using the present form (is). Also, be sure to capitalize the first word of each sentence. When you have had time to edit these problems - repost it for more comments.
    Well thanks alot I thought nobody will like it but now i'm very happy with my Abilities and I will publish it again after editing it..:)

  5. smaila's Avatar
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    #6

    Re: So unfair "my story"

    Quote Originally Posted by poltilak View Post
    I suggest that stories of this kind should be written in the simple present tense. Ex: The sun is shining, the birds are singing etc.
    Maybe you are right but I think it's better to write it in the past because I guess there are no parents like those anymore..:)

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