View Poll Results: Is this a good poem ?

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  • very good

    1 50.00%
  • good

    1 50.00%
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    0 0%
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  1. #1
    johnve is offline Newbie
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    Cool A poem for proofreading

    This's a poem that I write for a class presentation,which contains
    Chinese way of thinking, so Please don't be surprised at some
    unusual expression, Please help me for proofreading to make it
    a truly readable English poem and keep it as unbleached as
    possible, thanks.

    Juvenescence without accompanying of cheering crowd

    Juvenescence without accompanying of cheering crowd,a lingering piccolo in the air of fields, walks along a country lane, accompanied
    by the thin curls of smokes from the village chimneys, the whistle of a shepherd boy, and the twitter of
    the birds.

    Juvenescence without accompanying of cheering crowd,a cool summer of an young simple girl strolling down the seashore of a blue ocean, with the dancing of her blue skirt embraced by the sea breeze, soaring and singing of the seagulls for the smiling of her face. Behind palm trees, her beautiful dream of summer has being lain doggo; With the splashing of sea waves, her heart is filled with wonder and delight.

    Juvenescence without accompanying of cheering crowd, a white sail dictated by seasonal winds, adjusts its direction with the velocity of streams, sometime in full sail, sometime reefed, with spectacle scenery and great joy, all the way around quiet mountain lack, over the sleeping village pond, to the untamed river, to the open sea.

    Juvenescence without accompanying of cheering crowd, the meditation over the lone night, of the colorful spring, the wild summer, the tranquility of autum, the chilly of winter.

    Without accompanying of cheering crowd, lonely and helpless;
    Without accompanying of cheering crowd, pain and conflict;
    Without accompanying of cheering crowd, sense and akening;
    Without accompanying of cheering crowd, determination and action;

    With no prerequisites of approval, admiration, flaunting and care, It comes from the inspiration of life, and advances in the direction of dream. This juvenescence without accompanying of cheering crowd is the most touching movement of the symphony of life.

  2. #2
    Tdol is offline Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    Re: A poem for proofreading

    I would start by changing juvenescence to youth or something, but why is there no following crowd cheering? That central image doesn't really work for me.

  3. #3
    johnve is offline Newbie
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    Re: A poem for proofreading

    May be Youth is more suitable for the context, Please go ahead with it. As for the why there's no following crowd cheering, I surpose, it is because the expression concerns a stark Chinese way of thinking which is a paradox of youth of so unspectacular and short, yet so beautiful and energetic, and over-emphasising a unspectacular / humble side of expression makes the expression goes like it. Thanks a lot.

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