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  1. #1
    Atchan is offline Key Member
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    Default two mini stories

    please help me if there are mistakes in these two stories

    Mr. Ali went to Japan in the beginning of the year and bought great amount of cars having different kinds, then he sent on one of his huge ships until it arrived to the gulf countries to begin a new investment journey.


    After Ahmed arrived his country, he hired a flat then he didn't wait days until he bought an air conditioner due to hot weather but unfortunately he bought a bad one and he didn't think to return back the bad one because of the lacking and rarely of the air conditioners in his country, so he tried to fix it then he did it.

  2. #2
    star2nv16 is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: two mini stories

    Hello,
    I am a teacher in mathematics and science, however I am currently studying my masters in TESOL, so hopefully my advice to your problem is helpful.
    The following is an edited version of the two paragraphs you have written.

    Mr. Ali went to Japan at the beginning of the year. He bought a great amount of different kinds of cars. He sent one of his huge ships, with these cars, to one of the gulf countries to begin a new investment journey.


    After Ahmed arrived to his country, he hired a flat. He bought an air conditioner, without delay, due to the hot weather. Unfortunately he bought a bad one and he didn't want to return it back as there was a shortage in air conditioners in the country. It was also rare to find one. He attempted to fix it and was successful.

    Your sentences are too long. Try putting full stops and starting new sentences when you talk about something different.
    Whenever you use the word 'then', replace it with a full stop and start a new sentence.

    Hope this helped.

  3. #3
    Atchan is offline Key Member
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    Default Re: two mini stories

    Thank you very much

  4. #4
    Atchan is offline Key Member
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    Default Re: two mini stories

    Thank you very much
    Last edited by Atchan; 23-May-2010 at 22:10.

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