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  1. #1
    ping0303 is offline Newbie
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    May 2010
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    Default Please help me check and edit it?


    This is a short script, could you help me check and edit it?
    Thanks a lot.


    <David is waiting for Eden, because he knows Eden has a class on the morning>

    Eden :Dad , I have to go now! Bye!( sleep over the time , then run out of the door)
    Brian : Eden , you forget to bring your breakfast! (go out the door)
    David: uncle! I can take the breakfast to Eden !(hear the words of Eden said, immediately go to next door to take breakfast with Brian)
    Brian: Really ! Thank you very much!
    David: Wait! You must have to remember to eat breakfast!(At the moment Eden is going to the class, Eden takes the breakfast for Eden)

    <Or, when see Eden need help>
    (itís raining after the class)

    Eden: oops , I forget to bring an umbrella..
    David: you will catch a cold !(he see Eden have no umbrella ,go with Eden)

    <Or suddenly see Eden is pouring a trash>
    Eden:(take a trash with hard look)
    David:Let me do that!(he pretending pass and help Eden take the trash ,when he see Eden there)
    David: We meet again!(after pouring the trash)
    Eden: YesI would like to go home now And you
    David:Un..(with hesitant look..teacher says that if I donít go to the calss,he may fails me.. but.when David think he can go home with Eden happily ,he immediately says ) yes, I want to go home ,too. Letís go!

    Eden: Do you think we meet often ? Itís so strange..
    David: ha! I think it must be destiny!(hold the Eden's hand)



  2. #2
    Raymott's Avatar
    Raymott is offline VIP Member
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    Default Re: Please help me check and edit it?

    Quote Originally Posted by ping0303 View Post
    This is a short script, could you help me check and edit it?
    Thanks a lot.


    <David is waiting for Eden, because he knows Eden has a class on the morning>

    Eden: Dad, I have to go now! Bye!( sleep over the time[?] , then runs out of the door)
    Brian: Eden, you forget to bring take your breakfast! (goes out the door)
    David: Uncle! I can take the breakfast to Eden! (hears the words of Eden said, immediately goes to next door to take breakfast with Brian [?])
    Brian: Really! Thank you very much!
    David: Wait! You must have to remember to eat breakfast! (At the moment Eden is going to the class, Eden [?] takes the breakfast for Eden)

    <Or, when he sees Eden needs help>
    (it's raining after the class)

    Eden: Oops, I forget to bring an umbrella...
    David: You will catch a cold! (he sees Eden has no umbrella, goes with Eden)

    <Or suddenly sees Eden is emptying a trash>
    Eden: (take a trash with hard look)[?]
    David: Let me do that! (he pretends to pass and help Eden take the trash, when he see Eden there)
    David: We meet again! (after pouring the trash)
    Eden: Yes! I would like to go home nowAnd you
    David: Um ... (with hesitant look ...) Teacher says that if I donít go to the class, he may fail me ... (but when David thinks he can go home with Eden happily, he immediately says:) yes, I want to go home, too. Letís go!

    Eden: Do you think we meet often ? It's so strange...
    David: ha! I think it must be destiny!(holds Eden's hand)
    [?] The bits marked like this, I don't understand.
    Punctuation: word mark space word. For example, "home ,too" is wrong. I have fixed it all. You'll notice that this pattern is invariable.
    Three dots for an ellipsis ...

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