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  1. #1
    crossoflife is offline Newbie
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    Smile Edit This Short Paragraph

    I have an inquisitive mind since young as things around me always intrigue me. When I had to decide on my field of study, science was an obvious choice and a natural fit for me. I believe the outcome of my education equips me well for a further education in sociology and please consider my application.

    Please help me in editing the paragraph, the grammar, re-phasing if any and also I have to keep it under 50 words.
    Thanks, my friend!

  2. #2
    Tdol is offline Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    Re: Edit This Short Paragraph

    In 50 words, you have to cut stuff out about your childhood- that sounds like stuff for a motivation letter. What I am not sure about is why you are moving from science to sociology if you are so keen on science. What's your reason for that?

  3. #3
    crossoflife is offline Newbie
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    Re: Edit This Short Paragraph

    Quote Originally Posted by Tdol View Post
    In 50 words, you have to cut stuff out about your childhood- that sounds like stuff for a motivation letter. What I am not sure about is why you are moving from science to sociology if you are so keen on science. What's your reason for that?
    I see. I was thinking that being curious could be a plus point for reading sociology so I added it in. The science I studied is considered hard science and sociology is considered soft science. Hence, all I did was switching from one branch or science to the other.
    Also, I am also concerned by the job prospects and the type of work I will be going into the future with my current qualification hence I decided to take up sociology instead.

  4. #4
    Tdol is offline Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    Re: Edit This Short Paragraph

    OK but you have 50 words to convince your reader that's there's a good reason to make this change. Your background in science will help because you can apply many of the principles to sociology, but you have to give them a convincing reason. You have to sell the change to the reader and the reasons you gave (being easy and job prospects) won't work. Imagine you're the person receiving this- someone who has presumably dedicated their lives to studying sociology- you've got to tell them what you will bring to the course- an analytical scientific mind and curiosity are fine, but you need the second half.

    Here's the question running through the person's mind- should I give them a place and why? You have to give them a reason. And that has to come from you.

  5. #5
    crossoflife is offline Newbie
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    Re: Edit This Short Paragraph

    Quote Originally Posted by Tdol View Post
    OK but you have 50 words to convince your reader that's there's a good reason to make this change. Your background in science will help because you can apply many of the principles to sociology, but you have to give them a convincing reason. You have to sell the change to the reader and the reasons you gave (being easy and job prospects) won't work. Imagine you're the person receiving this- someone who has presumably dedicated their lives to studying sociology- you've got to tell them what you will bring to the course- an analytical scientific mind and curiosity are fine, but you need the second half.

    Here's the question running through the person's mind- should I give them a place and why? You have to give them a reason. And that has to come from you.
    Yes. That is why I never put being easy and job prospects in the appeal letter.
    What is the second half you meant? The reason why they should accept me?

    Thanks!

  6. #6
    crossoflife is offline Newbie
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    Re: Edit This Short Paragraph

    I have an inquisitive mind since young there science was an obvious choice in polytechnic and a natural fit for me. The outcome of my education has equipped me with an analytical and scientific mind that prepares me well for a further education in sociology.

    I have edited my letter but I do not know how to use the remaining word for the "second reason"
    Last edited by crossoflife; 31-May-2010 at 02:04.

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