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  1. #1
    Magic712's Avatar
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    Default Essay - need some correct and opinion

    Hi guys. I wrote my first essay ever, I've just started learning english 7 months ago and I didn't have a chance to write it. Could someone post some corrects and give me opinion. What's wrong and what's allright? :) thanks in advance...

    Would you like to live 100 years ago ?

    This is a very interesting issue which can give a " yes " or " no " answer without consideration. Was it good to live one hundred years ago without an electric cooker or no? Maybe these times were better or no ?

    On the one hand the environment was cleaner and safer 100 years ago. There wasn't ( i'm not sure wasn't it's correct ) problems inside the countries which were caused by politicians. People didn't kill each other as the do now. The oceans and rivers were much cleaner than now. People did care about whole environment, there was no pollution. Life was much easier because there were no problem with a administration. post office etc. Terrorists weren't active as now.

    On the other hand, it is much easier and quite interesting to live in modern world of technical achievements. Nowadays it seems so obvious that our houses are equipped with gas, water and electricity. We would find it difficult to live without a telephone, a wasching machine or an electric cooker. Maybe nowadays have a more pollution than we had 100 years ago, maybe last century were safer but we have better electricity and life is easier. Nowadays we have more acts of terrorism than before but methods of defending countries are better and effective. The production of food is more succesfull. Travelling is much comfortable thanks to aeroplanes. City's communicatin is faster as well.

    In conclusion, thank to medical achievements and technology people live in comfort and health. Life in the XXI century is more comfortable, enjoyable and easier. I would find it difficult to live in the the XX century.

    ------------------------

    I know is shite, my first essay. If you want correct some senteces or mistakes, please do it, I'd be apprciated.. :)

  2. #2
    billmcd is offline Key Member
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    Default Re: Essay - need some correct and opinion

    Here are some revisions for your consideration. I tried not to disturb your thought process and theme,a nice little, thoughtful article for a person who has studied English for seven months.

    Would you like to have lived 100 years ago ?

    This is a very interesting issue which a person should not provide a " yes " or " no " answer without consideration. Was it good to live one hundred years ago without an electric cooker or not? Maybe that time was better or maybe not. ?

    On the one hand, the environment was cleaner and safer 100 years ago. There weren't problems inside the countries which were caused by politicians. People didn't kill each other as they do now. The oceans and rivers were much cleaner than now. People did care about whole environment, there was no pollution. Life was much easier because there were no problems with a administration, post officepublic offices etc. Terrorists weren't active as they are now.

    On the other hand, it is much easier and quite interesting to live in the modern world of technical achievements. Nowadays it is assumed that our houses are equipped with gas, water and electricity. We would find it difficult to live without a telephone, a washing machine or an electric cooker. Maybe nowadays have a there is more pollution than we had 100 years ago, maybe the last century werewas safer, but we have better electricity and life is easier. Nowadays we havesee more acts of terrorism than before but methods of defending countriesthese acts are better and more effective. The production of food is more succesfullefficient. Travelling is much more comfortable thanks to aeroplanes. And cities' communicatin is faster as well.

    In conclusion, thanks to medical achievements and technology, people live in comfort and health. Life in the XXI 21st century is more comfortable, more enjoyable and easier. I would find it difficult to live in the the 20th century.

    ------------------------

  3. #3
    Raymott's Avatar
    Raymott is offline VIP Member
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    Default Re: Essay - need some correct and opinion

    Quote Originally Posted by Magic712 View Post
    Hi guys. I've written my first essay ever. I've just started learning english 7 months ago and I haven't have a chance to write one until now. Could someone post some corrections and give me an opinion. What's wrong and what's alright? :) thanks in advance...

    You are doing well for such a short time learning.
    Already, it's apparent that you could spend more time on the appropriate use of the simple past and present perfect - when you get the time.


    Would you like to live [have lived] 100 years ago ?

    This is a very interesting issue [question] which can give a "yes" or "no" [No space around quotation marks] answer without consideration. Was it good to live one hundred years ago without an electric cooker or not? Maybe these times were better or not?

    On the one hand, the environment was cleaner and safer 100 years ago. There weren't problems inside the countries which were caused by politicians.
    [Yes there were. 100 years ago, 1910, the world was on the brink of WWI]
    People didn't kill each other as they do now.
    [That's true. The methods were far more primitive, but just as life-ending.]
    "More than 15 million people were killed, [in WWI] making it also one of the deadliest conflicts in history"
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/World_War_I

    The oceans and rivers were much cleaner than now. People did care about whole environment, there was no pollution.
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Industrial_Revolution

    Life was much easier because there were no problem with a administration. post office etc. Terrorists weren't active as now.
    [100 years ago, Lenin and his thugs were planning the massacre of all non-Marxist intellectuals in Russia]


    On the other hand, it is much easier and quite interesting to live in the modern world of technical achievements. Nowadays it seems so obvious that our houses are equipped with gas, water and electricity. We would find it difficult to live without a telephone, a washing machine or an electric cooker. Maybe nowadays we have more pollution than we had 100 years ago; maybe last century we were safer, but we have better electricity and life is easier. Nowadays we have more acts of terrorism than before but methods of defending countries are better and effective. The production of food is more succesful. Travelling is much more comfortable thanks to aeroplanes. Communication in cities is faster as well.

    In conclusion, thanks to medical achievements
    [It's a mistake to introduce new material in the conclusion.
    You haven't mentioned medical achievements before. The conclusion summarises the points you've already made]


    and technology people live in comfort and health. Life in the XXI century is more comfortable, enjoyable and easier. I would find it difficult to live in the the XX century.

    ------------------------
    I know is shite, [This is not a nice word in this context, even when disguised] my first essay. If you want correct some sentences or mistakes, please do it, I'd appreciate it. :)

    This is very good grammar-wise.
    But don't neglect your history lessons!

  4. #4
    Leandro-Z's Avatar
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    Wink Re: Essay - need some correct and opinion

    Quote Originally Posted by Magic712 View Post
    Hi guys. I wrote my first essay ever, I've just started learning english 7 months ago and I didn't have a chance to write it. Could someone post some corrections and give me opinions. What's wrong and what's all right? :) thanks in advance...

    Would you like to live 100 years ago ?

    This is a very interesting issue which can give obtain a " yes " or " no " answer without consideration. Was it good to live one hundred years ago without an electric cooker or not? Maybe these times were better or not ?

    On the one hand, the environment was cleaner and safer 100 years ago. There wasn't weren`t ( i'm not sure wasn't it's correct) problems inside the countries which were caused by politicians. People didn't kill each other as they do now today. The oceans and rivers were much cleaner than now. People did care about whole environment, there was no pollution (Here you can add that they used to be more environmentally-friendly -a good expression). Life was much easier because there were no problem inconveniences with a economics administration, post office, etc. Terrorists and hijackers weren't as active as they are now.

    On the other hand, it is much easier and quite interesting to live in modern world of technical technological achievements. Nowadays, it seems so obvious that our houses are equipped with gas, water and electricity services. We would find it difficult to live without a telephone, a wasching machine or an electric cooker. Maybe, nowadays we have a more pollution polluted environment than we had 100 years ago. Maybe Perhaps, last century were it was safer more unspoilt but. Nonetheless, we have better electricity and life is easier. NowadaysAlthough we have more acts of terrorism than before but, methods of defending countries defence are better and more effective. Also, we have to take into account that the production of food food production is more succesfull. Furthermore, travelling is much more comfortable thanks to aeroplanes. and city's communication is faster and more reliable as well.

    In conclusion/All in all/Finally, thank due to medical achievements and technology, people can live in comfort and health. Life in the XXI Century is more comfortable convinient, enjoyable and easier. I would find it difficult to live in the the XX century.

    ------------------------

    I know is shite, my first essay. If you want to correct some senteces or mistakes, please do it, I'd be apprciated grateful .. :)
    My piece of advice: Study more connectors as well as spelling and word formation. In spite of the mistakes, your composition is beautiful and you have what is called "the sparkle of writing". It is really nice to know your opinion concerning such a complex and weep issue. Well done!
    Last edited by Leandro-Z; 25-Jun-2010 at 02:47.

  5. #5
    Magic712's Avatar
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    Default Re: Essay - need some correct and opinion

    Thanks thanks guys!

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