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  1. #1
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    Default Could anyone help me to fix this?

    MAX

    At 8:00PM in the winter, there was nobody in the downtown streets, just a few street lamps to light the way. In the dim light, you could just make out a man walking slowly on the lonely street. He looked like he was in dire straits. This is Max, a lazy, melancholy and absent man. You would not believe he was a clerk in a small store, because he never tried to make much more money. Nothing can change him. He didn't dislike rich, but he was crazy lazy.

    As usual, he was going home after his boring work. He walked to the intersection despairingly as usual, and he got ready to cross the street. Unexpectedly, he found a black briefcase under the traffic light. It was a little dirty. Curiosity stopped him. He pondered one minute, two minutes, and three minutes...Everything in the whole world stopped. About ten minutes passed. He moved. He squatted and opened the black briefcase with fear and curiosity. There was a whole lot of money in it. It couldn't be counted. He couldn't believe it. There was so much money! He had never seen this much. He was very surprised. He thought God was playing and joking with him. He woke up soon, and looked around the street and closed the case hastily. He took the heavy case and ran back to his home as soon as he could like he was scared somebody would rob him. He got back to his dirty home. He put the briefcase on the desk, and closed the door and all the windows. He sat down in front of the briefcase and opened it carefully. Max looked at the money. He began feeling so happy and laughed. He was going to use that money to buy what he wanted the next day. He thought about what he had to buy over the whole night. He didn't sleep.

    The next day, Max got up early at 7:00AM. He took a shower and brushed his dirty teeth. Today he dressed well. He wanted to buy many suits, a car, a boat, a house and a dog. Then he went to buy a car. He found a new model car and wanted to buy it. He took out the money to pay. The cashier looked at the money like he had a problem, and called someone. Max felt bad. In a few minutes, the police arrived and seized Max. Max felt everything want blank at this moment.

    Max was still standing in front of the dirty black briefcase and looking at it on the street under the traffic light. Everything was not his. Max crossed. He walked absently down the street still with dire straits. He liked never seeing anything. Still he disappeared in the street lamps' light.

  2. #2
    Tdol is offline Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    Default Re: Could anyone help me to fix this?

    He looked like he was in dire straits.- Many would prefer 'as if he was in die straits'

    This is Max- You've changed tense here to the present, which doesn't really fit IMO

    You would not believe he was a clerk in a small store, because he never tried to make much more money.- Why wouldn't I believe this? This sentence doesn't really follow to me. If he's melancholic and unambitious, then it wouldn't surprise me.

    Nothing can change him. He didn't dislike rich,- Nothing could... He didn't dislike wealth

    Paragraph2- You repeat 'as usual' in the first line

    He woke up soon,- slightly unclear as later on we learn that it was the oppsite case and he was daydreaming. You might want to rephrase this

    He woke up soon,- a strange sentence that some might not like, but I think it works in the context.

    still with dire straits- in


  3. #3
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    Default Re: Could anyone help me to fix this?

    Thank you for you help. My English is really bad.

    I still have questions. Can I use "absent man", "crazy lazy" and "make much more money", are they correct words? Do you make sense of them? If not, what words can replace them?

  4. #4
    Tdol is offline Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    Default Re: Could anyone help me to fix this?

    How about 'withdrawn' instead of 'absent'? I'd say 'much money'- there's no comparison here.
    crazy lazy- fine by me.


  5. #5
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    Default Re: Could anyone help me to fix this?

    'Nothing can change him'
    - Nothing could changed him? Could we put the -ed at the end of 'change', since the story in past tense form?


  6. #6
    Tdol is offline Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    Default Re: Could anyone help me to fix this?

    Nothing could change- use an infinitive after 'could'.

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