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  1. #1
    yeecharles is offline Junior Member
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    Please Check my 'Edited' Work

    Can you please check the grammar and vocabulary of my edited essay? I still feel that it is peppered with errors. There are certain sentences which are 'too Chinese'.
    Thank you in advance.

    Title: Papa

    I always feel that I don’t love my father enough.

    As a child, I was ashamed of him. He was unable to give a decent life to our family after suffering bankruptcy in his soy-sauce selling business. Being a good cook, he eked out a living for the family by selling steamed buns in an open-air market at nights. We lived a very frugal life. I always became the subject of mockery in school because everyone knew that I had no television, pocket money, toys and comic books. They found Papa's car particularly amusing. Whenever I arrived at school in it, they would laugh out loud and say "Here comes the lousiest car in town!" The derision deeply mortified me and I hated Pa for causing it. I can still remember how the car looked and sounded. It was a rusty second-hand car which made a lot of chugging noise when moving along the road.


    As a teenager, I was always at odds with Papa over many things. He wanted me to take woodwork as my elective subject but I took commerce instead. He disallowed me to make comic books in my free time but I did it openly to arouse his anger. He berated me for being girlish and I retorted that he could not fulfill my needs. I disliked the shabby way he dressed and avoided walking with him in town (he always wore a singlet and a pair of khaki shorts). I never informed him to come and witness me receive awards in prize-giving ceremonies. I feared that other fellow recipients would speak ill of him. If he scolded me for failing my mathematics or arguing with my siblings, I would throw his bible from upstairs or filch some notes from his money container. My hatred towards him escalated when he decided to stop selling steamed buns and let Mum work in Brunei to support the family. I blamed him for being an irresponsible husband and called him a parasite in one heated argument. I thought my rudeness would be rewarded with a slap on the face but he walked out of the house instead, looking hurt and enervated. When I was accepted into the teacher training college, I refused his congratulatory handshake. I hardly returned home throughout my four years in college. Even if I did, we would quarrel.

    I was posted to a well-reputed school after graduation. I moved out of home into a relative’s vacant house in my ninth year of teaching. I could not bear living under the same roof with Papa any more. We had had far too many rows within the previous eight years. I was confident of living a calm life of my own. However, I was wrong. My life was riddled with problems. I hurt my head in a self-accident three years ago. The injury impaired certain nerves in my right ear, causing me to have permanent tinnitus. I also failed to cope with the growing workload in school and soon succumbed to depression. Many a time I was absent from work because I had repeated bouts of panic attacks.

    Papa came to my rescue when I was in dire need of support. Knowing that I was too depressed to take care of myself, he came to my house every day to do house chores for me. He cooked my favourite dishes, swept the dust-encrusted floor and washed my dirty clothes. When I needed to attend counseling sessions, he drove me to the psychiatric clinic. He also prayed over me when I was down with panic attacks. He insisted on taking me to school too. Papa still does most of these things up to these days. Under his meticulous care, I feel more secure emotionally. I can cope with my tinnitus and workload with a stronger endurance. I no longer have panic attacks. His love infuses me with hope and strength.

    I have never stopped feeling ashamed of myself for treating Papa with contempt before. To salve my conscience, I give him more money every month; treat him to meals, share jokes with him, return to his home every weekend and thank him more often. However, all these gestures are so mediocre compared to his selfless love and forgiving heart. If I could go back to my childhood days, I would try my best to be an obedient kid and tell all my mean friends that I was proud of him. I want to make amends for the pain I('ve?) caused him.

    Papa, you are the best father in the world. May God shower you with endless blessings
    Last edited by yeecharles; 28-Jun-2010 at 12:48.

  2. #2
    tedtmc is offline Key Member
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    Re: Please Check my 'Edited' Work

    As pointed out in the earlier post, you pray for someone. You don't pray over someone.
    You can say you pray over something.

    idiom - to this day (not 'to these days')

    You do not accept some of my corrections apparently.
    Last edited by tedtmc; 28-Jun-2010 at 13:37.

  3. #3
    yeecharles is offline Junior Member
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    Re: Please Check my 'Edited' Work

    Quote Originally Posted by tedtmc View Post
    As pointed out in the earlier post, you pray for someone. You don't pray over someone.
    You can say you pray over something.

    idiom - to this day (not 'to these days')

    You do not accept some of my corrections apparently.
    Okay, I accept 'To This Day'.I found the idiom in an online dictionary.

    As for the phrase 'pray over', I will ask for the opinions of other forum members.

    Please don't take umbrage.

  4. #4
    casablanca_30391 is offline Junior Member
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    Re: Please Check my 'Edited' Work

    I always feel that I don't love my father sufficiently
    I think u use " sufficiently" is better than using "enough"

  5. #5
    yeecharles is offline Junior Member
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    Re: Please Check my 'Edited' Work

    Quote Originally Posted by Gillnetter View Post
    In the US (particulary the southern part) it is acceptable to say pray over someone. For example, "I asked the preacher to come and pray over my mother."
    Thank you, Gillnetter.

  6. #6
    asaplover is offline Newbie
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    Re: Please Check my 'Edited' Work

    hi Yeecharles,

    As someone whose native language is not English, I think ur writing is damn good..

    having writing skills as good as yours is one of my impossible dreams ;)

    how do u develop your writing skills?

    pls share your tips for improving good writing skills...

    rgds
    aSAPlover

  7. #7
    yeecharles is offline Junior Member
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    Re: Please Check my 'Edited' Work

    Quote Originally Posted by asaplover View Post
    hi Yeecharles,

    As someone whose native language is not English, I think ur writing is damn good..

    having writing skills as good as yours is one of my impossible dreams ;)

    how do u develop your writing skills?

    pls share your tips for improving good writing skills...

    rgds
    aSAPlover
    Thanks, asaplover,

    However, my writing is still weak, judging from the number of grammatical errors that I constantly make.

    To improve my English, I read and blog a lot.

  8. #8
    asaplover is offline Newbie
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    Re: Please Check my 'Edited' Work

    Quote Originally Posted by yeecharles View Post
    To improve my English, I read and blog a lot.
    pls show me then ur blog ;)

  9. #9
    yeecharles is offline Junior Member
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    Re: Please Check my 'Edited' Work

    Quote Originally Posted by asaplover View Post
    pls show me then ur blog ;)
    Here you go:
    Tai's Site - Tai's Blog

    Not so sure if it is viewable to you. I 've set it in such a way that only my contacts can view it.

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