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  1. #1
    Andris is offline Newbie
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    Default Please proofread a very short article

    Hello again,

    please can somebody find a minute to review the following text?

    "We are a small group of independent game developers that call themselves Arcade Indie, financially supported by any. We would really appreciate donation in any amount in order to continue our freeware project. We are creating a game editor tool called Arcadix 3D Game Editor, please visit <link to our page> to see our efforts. The editor shall be a relatively easy way for enthusiasts and talented male and female creators to have fun while expressing their dreams and ideas in interactive 2D and 3D digital simulations. Get familiar with 3D space, animated graphics, spatial sound, script programming in a modern programming language, explore the behavior of rigid body physics, handle dynamic events and user input. In other words, improve your creative, sensual and intellectual abilities and experience the joy of getting them into synchrony. We at Arcade Indie feel most passionate about lighter arcade styled games and games for kids, which will influence our appearance and communications while working on the editor and example games created in it. Less obsession, less violence. However, the editor and engine are rather of general purpose. If you like our idea, please consider a donation so that Arcade Indie can continue. Thank you."

    For example, the "financially supported by any" is being translated by on-line dictionaries to both "financially not supported" and "financially supported by many/all" which makes a significant difference ("financially not supported" is what we want to say of course)

    I wonder how many mistakes you'll find to see whether I'm becoming better in the written english
    Thanks a lot
    Last edited by Andris; 08-Jul-2010 at 10:19.

  2. #2
    tedtmc is offline Key Member
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    Default Re: Please proofread a very short article

    Quote Originally Posted by Andris View Post
    Hello again,

    please can somebody find a minute to review the following text?

    "We are a small group of independent game developers that call themselves Arcade Indie, financially supported by any.
    Perhaps you can say, 'We rely entirely on public donations to support our activities.' You should also say something about being non-profit-oriented when you ask for donations.

    We would really appreciate donation in any amount in order for us to continue our freeware project. We are creating a game editor tool called Arcadix 3D Game Editor, please visit <link to our page> to see our efforts work. The editor shall be is a relatively easy way for enthusiasts and talented male and female creators to have fun while expressing their dreams and ideas in interactive 2D and 3D digital simulations. Get familiar with 3D space, animated graphics, spatial sound, script programming in a modern programming language, explore the behavior of rigid body physics, handle dynamic events and user input. In other words, improve your creative, sensual and intellectual abilities and experience the joy of getting them into synchrony. We, at Arcade Indie, feel most passionate about lighter arcade styled games and games for kids, which will influence our appearance (how would games influence appearance? what appearance do you mean?) and communications while working on the editor and example games created in it. Less obsession, less violence. However, the editor and engine are rather of for general purpose. If you like our idea, please consider making a donation so that Arcade Indie can continue. Thank you."

    For example, the "financially supported by any" is being translated by on-line dictionaries to both "financially not supported" and "financially supported by many/all" which makes a significant difference ("financially not supported" is what we want to say of course)

    I wonder how many mistakes you'll find to see whether I'm becoming better in the written english
    Thanks a lot
    .

  3. #3
    Andris is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Please proofread a very short article

    Thanks,
    Quote Originally Posted by tedtdmc
    how would games influence appearance? what appearance do you mean?
    I changed that to "public appearance", that might be clearer, it generally means our appearance on the web - the kind of content that will be published, who we try to speak to, etc.

    I liked your suggestions and applied them, here the updated version:

    "We are a small group of independent game developers that call themselves Arcade Indie. We rely entirely on public donations to support our non-profit oriented activities. We would really appreciate donation in any amount in order for us to continue our freeware project - a game editor tool called Arcadix 3D Game Editor, please visit <link to our page> to see our work. The editor should be a relatively easy way for enthusiasts and talented male and female creators to have fun while expressing their dreams and ideas in interactive 2D and 3D digital simulations. Get familiar with 3D space, animated graphics, spatial sound, script programming in a modern programming language, explore the behavior of rigid body physics, handle dynamic events and user input. In other words, improve your creative, sensual and intellectual abilities and experience the joy of getting them into synchrony. We, at Arcade Indie, feel most passionate about lighter arcade styled games and games for kids, which will influence our public appearance and communications while working on the editor and example games created in it. Less obsession, less violence. However, the editor and engine are rather for general purpose. If you like our idea, please consider making a donation so that Arcade Indie can continue. Thank you."


    Please can you see any mistakes yet?

    Thanks
    Last edited by Andris; 08-Jul-2010 at 20:09.

  4. #4
    Andris is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Please proofread a very short article

    Ah, I haven't applied your correction "..the editor shall be is..", because it isn't yet entirely, but a goal :)

  5. #5
    tedtmc is offline Key Member
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    Default Re: Please proofread a very short article

    Quote Originally Posted by Andris View Post
    Ah, I haven't applied your correction "..the editor shall be is..", because it isn't yet entirely, but a goal :)
    How about replacing 'the editor' with 'the programme'?

    We, at Arcade Indie, feel most passionate about lighter arcade styled games and games for kids, which will influence our public appearance and communications (1) while working on the editor and example games created in it. Less obsession, less violence. (2)

    (1) do you mean your image?
    (2) what do you mean by this? how is this related to your programme?

  6. #6
    Andris is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Please proofread a very short article

    Quote Originally Posted by tedtmc View Post
    How about replacing 'the editor' with 'the programme'?
    Hmm, no, that doesn't feel too right to me. Game editor, level editor, scene editor, etc. are common terms. Saying just 'editor' should be contextually clear.
    (1) do you mean your image?
    Yes
    (2) what do you mean by this? how is this related to your programme?
    You know, as I percieve that, the commercional world of gaming mostly pushes on "the adrenaline", whatever that word means to the end user. Agressivity being one of the key elements of the gameplay, all kind of tricks implemented to keep you instantly jacked in. There are certainly plenty exceptions to this, but the "adrenaline pump" is somewhat most visible in the media, at least that's our impression. Be agressive and egoistic, that is what they are telling us too often. However, we just want to be involved elsewhere. We want to be more the creators over being the destroyers. I just want to let the potentional donors know that they can expect more of subtle art and non-violent content over Halo 2 (a cultic game title) mooded approaches.

  7. #7
    Andris is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Please proofread a very short article

    Quote Originally Posted by tedtmc
    How about replacing 'the editor' with 'the programme'?
    Quote Originally Posted by Andris View Post
    Hmm, no, that doesn't feel too right to me.
    Maybe because I'd eventually use 'program', not 'programme', I do not recall having met 'programme' in any technical articles, sounds like French to me.

  8. #8
    mzsade is offline Banned
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    Default Re: Please proofread a very short article

    Life on the Net has made me somewhat cynical, so you will have to excuse me if i suspect that the proof-reading request is nothing but spam.

  9. #9
    AllenMass is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Please proofread a very short article

    Yes, i read & as I perceive that, the commercial world of gaming mostly pushes on "the adrenaline", whatever that word means to the end user. That's good write one.

  10. #10
    Andris is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Please proofread a very short article

    Quote Originally Posted by mzsade View Post
    Life on the Net has made me somewhat cynical, so you will have to excuse me if i suspect that the proof-reading request is nothing but spam.
    Absolutely not my intention, I tried to provide an explanation, replying to a question. You also might have noticed that I haven't included any concrete links and that I really needed corrections to a text. Now I have much better feeling about how the little article is formulated, thanks Tedtmc. I apologize for going into a vague off-topic explanation, however.
    Last edited by Andris; 10-Jul-2010 at 12:04.

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