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    madu410 is offline Newbie
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    Default Please, check my grammar, what do you think of my admission essay?

    Thank you all in advance. i would appreciate all the comments that you left. this is my transfer admission essay. could you please check my grammar and other errors and what do you think overall?

    Through my whole life, I have been a strong, confident and open-minded person that knows what she wants and how to reach these goals. As an only child, I feel the responsibility to take care of my parents when I grow up, that is why I am strongly concerned about my education and future career. At high school, I have always been a successful student prioritizing math courses; in addition, I have been attending music school, dance classes and took part in drama performances.
    As I have experienced university education, during my freshman year, I became interested in business courses of economics, management, accounting and statistics. I want to pursue my higher education in management with concentration in finance that is not available at University of New York in Prague, but is incredibly well respected and competent at Binghamton University School of Management. It is the love and curiosity of finance that has been the leading factor in my decision to apply to Binghamton. I feel confident that attending Binghamton will provide me with excellent opportunities to pursue my higher education in the area that is the most interesting for me and to achieve more deep knowledge that would likely be impossible in University of New York in Prague. As I look at the pictures, watch videos and read student blogs I feel that I could fit in the environment of Binghamton University and continue to gain my education surrounded by students that have the same desire to enlarge knowledge in finance as me.

    My current GPA is lower than they are expecting, so i don't know if i should include that it is not high due to the overwhelming amount of general education courses that i was not interested in. however, all the courses related to economics, management and math are all passed with A, A-.

    soo..what do you all think?:)

  2. #2
    IHIVG's Avatar
    IHIVG is offline Member
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    Default Re: Please, check my grammar, what do you think of my admission essay?

    Quote Originally Posted by madu410 View Post
    Through my whole life, I have been a strong, confident and open-minded person that who knows what she wants and how to reach these (what goals? Use possessive pronoun instead.) goals. As an only child, I feel the responsibility to take care of my parents when I grow up, that is why I am strongly concerned about my education and future career. At high school, I have always was been (You're not at high school any more.) a successful student prioritizing math courses. In addition, I have been attending attended music school, dance classes and took part in drama performances.
    As I have experienced university education, during my freshman year, I became interested in business courses of economics, management, accounting and statistics. (The underlined part is ambiguous. It could be taken to mean that you experienced university education only during your freshman year. You could simply say: 'During my freshman year in university, I became...') I want to pursue my higher education in management with concentration in finance that is not available at University of New York in Prague, but is incredibly well respected and competent at Binghamton University School of Management. It is the love and curiosity of finance (This means that finance has love and curiosity. "It's my love and interest in...") that has been the leading factor in my decision to apply to Binghamton. I feel confident that attending Binghamton will provide me with excellent opportunities to pursue my higher education in the area that is the most interesting for me and to achieve more deep knowledge that would likely be impossible in University of New York in Prague. (The sentence is too long; start a new one after 'for me'.) As I look at the pictures, watch videos and read student blogs, I feel that I could fit in the environment of Binghamton University and continue to gain my education surrounded by students along with other students that (We refer to people as 'who', not 'that'.) have the same desire to enlarge their knowledge in finance as I.

    My current GPA is lower than they are expecting, so i don't know if i should include that it is not high due to the overwhelming amount of general education courses that i was not interested in. however, all the courses related to economics, management and math are all passed with A, A-.
    Well done!

    soo..what do you all think?:)
    I think it's pretty good.

    You tend to have long sentences. I suggest breaking them up into shorter ones.


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