I looked away and it seemed to me every object in the room exhaled diary's enervating power and spoke its message disappointment and defeat.
And as if that was not enough, the voices reproached me with not having had the grit to overcome them.
Which voices?
And it thus contuining: Under this twofold assault I sat staring at the bulging envelopes around me, the stacks of papers tied up with red tape -- the task of sorting which I had set myself for winter evenings, and of which the red collar box had been almost the first item; and I felt, with a bitter blend of selfpity and selfreproach, that had it not been for the diary, or what the diary stood for, everything would be different.
Now which I dont understand:
1. I sat staring at the bulging envelopes and the stacks of papers tied up with red tape around me, or only I sat staring at the bulging envelopes around me
2. the red collar box had been almost the first item; I dont get meaning, why or of what it is first item?
3. that had it not been for the diary, or what the diary stood for, everything would be different. I dont get it.