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    Bassim is offline Senior Member
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    Please, could you proofread my text

    Dear people.
    Is there anyone who could proofread this text. I would like to know if my last sentence "But, instead if he played.." is grammatically correct? Could one use "would be soon sitting" or it should be some other tense?



    Her words came as a relief to him, although part of him wanted to stay here beside her even if her brothers would beat him to death. He hesitated for a moment, glanced at the two idiotic faces on the other side of the fence and they made him feel sick. He turned around and walked off without uttering a word, pretending not to hear their jeering voices behind him. First when he came to the outskirts of town and was away from people he became aware of his blunder. His own stupidity was going to cost him dearly. Weeks of hope and the most beautiful feelings he had experienced until now, had turned into a disaster. And the only culpable was he himself, sinking to the idiotís level and bursting into rage because of some mocking words. But, instead if he had played his cards right, he would be soon sitting together with her in her orchard, talking love, stroking her beautiful hair and eating fruit from her own hand.

  2. #2
    shroob is offline Member
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    Re: Please, could you proofread my text

    Quote Originally Posted by Bassim View Post
    Dear people.
    Is there anyone who could proofread this text. I would like to know if my last sentence "But, instead if he played.." is grammatically correct? Could one use "would be soon sitting" or it should be some other tense?



    Her words came as a relief to him, although part of him wanted to stay here beside her even if her brothers would beat him to death. He hesitated for a moment, glanced at the two idiotic faces on the other side of the fence and they made him feel sick. He turned around and walked off without uttering a word, pretending not to hear their jeering voices behind him. A) First when he came to the outskirts of town and was away from people he became aware of his blunder. His own stupidity was going to cost him dearly. Weeks of hope and the most beautiful feelings he had experienced until now, had turned into a disaster. B) And the only culpable was he himself, sinking to the idiotís level and bursting into rage because of some mocking words. C) But, instead if he had played his cards right, he would be soon sitting together with her in her orchard, talking love, stroking her beautiful hair and eating fruit from her own hand.
    I'm not a teacher, but I'll try and help.

    A) This doesn't sound right to me, an alternative might be - When he reached the outskirts of town, away from everyone, he became realised his mistake.

    B) He only had himself to blame, sinking to the level of the idiots by bursting out in anger because of some mocking words.

    C) Not sure if you need the 'But', - Instead, if he had played his cards right, they would soon be sitting together in her orchard, talking love, strocking her beautiful hair and eating fruit out of her hand.

    Now all I do is sit back and wait for someone to correct mine

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