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  1. #1
    Tes is offline Junior Member
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    Default Please help me to improve my writing.

    Here is very important letter that I need to submit to Office of Student Financial Aid. As English is my second language, I may make a mistakes while I write this kind of letter so please help me out by correcting grammer mistakes. Thank you in advance for your willing to help me.



    Dear Office of Student Financial Aid,

    I am writing this letter to appeal the suspension of financial aid grant for the 2010 Fall semester. The grounds on which I wish to appeal are that I have been making satisfactory result towards my educational goal. To start with, In 2008, I had graduated in Biomedical Science from Cambridge biomedical careers program through Just-A-start and Bunker Hill Community Collage, In Spring 2010, I have completed two classes with excellent result, and I am currently taking classes as a full-time student , which I am doing perfectly.

    Unfortunately, during spring of 2005, I had enrolled in a total of four classes but did not meet the minimum standards for academic progress which has cause my financial aid to be denied for my next enrollment for the 2010 Fall semester. In fact, I failed to completed my education due to family emergency. My father, who was living in ethiopia was died while I was actively attending at BHCC. By the time, I wasn't in a position dealing with stress and schooling.

    Also, During Summer of 2008 and Fall of 2009, I was full time employee. I had a very tedious work schedule (12 hour shifts) which caused me to be in the office more than at home. During office hours I was unable to work on my class assignments and by the time I would get home, it would be late and I would be in the process of getting ready for the next day and trying to make up time with my patient mom. I soon realized that returning to school along with working longer hours was more difficult than I thought and that I may have put too much on my plate that I could actually handle.

    Although my financial situation is challenging at the moment, there is no doubt in my mind that I will succeed at Bunker Hill Community Collage. Please know that school is of great importance to me and I have come up with a new plan for the following semester to manage my time and school work; I believe it will be very effective for me and I will bring all of my grades and cumulative grade point average up to, or above, BHCC’s acceptable academic standard policy.

    The Steps I am going to take to assure successful academic progress in the future:
    *
    • Obtain a tutor for the classes I find difficult.* I have made myself familiar with the tutoring center on campus.
    • Meet with each of my instructors a talk with them about what they believe will make me a better student in their class.
    • Go to the scheduled office hours of each instructor when I am having difficulty with the class material.
    • Develop a relationship with other students to form study groups.
    • Go to class on time as scheduled.

    My goal is to complete an Associates Degree in Biomedical Science. Without student financial aid, I will be financially unable to complete my goal. Please know that I am extremely focused on my future and my dedication to my education is paramount. I am aware that I am allowed to submit an appeal once in regards to Financial Aid determination in my educational experience at Bunker Hill Community Collage. This is the only appeal I will ever make, due to the fact that I am extremely determined to rise above the minimum requirements for Financial Aid acceptance and good standing at BHCC. Please allow me a second chance to prove that I can be a model student and achieve academic excellence.
    If you have any questions or need any additional information, please contact me at EMAIL REMOVED - Send PM to This User Instead or 617 000 0000.
    I thank you for your consideration to this appeal.

    Sincerely,

  2. #2
    emsr2d2's Avatar
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    Default Re: Please help me to improve my writing.

    Quote Originally Posted by Tes View Post
    Here is very important letter that I need to submit to Office of Student Financial Aid. As English is my second language, I may make a mistakes while I write this kind of letter so please help me out by correcting grammer mistakes. Thank you in advance for your willing to help me.



    Dear Office of Student Financial Aid,

    I am writing this letter to appeal the suspension of my financial aid grant for the 2010 fall semester. The grounds on which I wish to appeal are that I have been making satisfactory result progress towards my educational goal. To start with, in 2008, I had graduated in Biomedical Science from the Cambridge Biomedical Careers program through Just-A-start and Bunker Hill Community College. In the spring of 2010, I have completed two classes with excellent results, and I am currently taking classes as a full-time student, in which I am doing perfectly very well.

    Unfortunately, during the spring of 2005 (are you sure that 2005 is correct?), I had enrolled in a total of four classes but did not meet the minimum standards for academic progress which has caused my financial aid to be denied for my next enrollment for the 2010 fall semester. In fact, I failed to completed complete my education the classes due to a family emergency. My father, who was living in Ethiopia was died while I was actively attending at BHCC. By the At that time, I wasn't in a position to dealing with stress and schooling.

    Also, during the summer of 2008 and fall of 2009, I was full time employee in full-time employment. I had a very tedious demanding work schedule (12 hour shifts) which caused me to be in the office more than at home. During office hours, I was unable to work on my class assignments and by the time I would get got home, it would be was late. and I would be in the process of had to getting ready for the next day and trying to make up time with for my patient (do you mean she was sick, so she was a "patient"?) mom. I soon realized that returning to school along with working longer hours was more difficult than I thought and that I may have put too much on my plate that taken on more than I could actually handle.

    Although my financial situation is challenging at the moment, there is no doubt in my mind that I will succeed at Bunker Hill Community College. Please know that School is of great importance to me and I have come up with a new plan for the following semester to manage my time and school work. I believe it will be very effective for me and I will bring all of my grades and cumulative grade point average up to, or above, BHCC’s acceptable academic standard policy.

    The steps I am going to take to assure successful academic progress in the future:
    *
    • Obtain a tutor for the classes I find difficult.* I have made myself familiar with the tutoring center on campus.
    • Meet with each of my instructors a to talk with them about what they believe will make me a better student in their class.
    • Go to the scheduled office hours (you can't "go to office hours" so I'm not sure what you mean) of each instructor when I am having difficulty with the class material.
    • Develop a relationship with other students to form study groups.
    • Go to class on time as scheduled.

    My goal is to complete an Associates Degree in Biomedical Science. Without student financial aid, I will be financially unable to complete my goal. Please know I can assure you that I am extremely focused on my future and my dedication to my education is paramount. I am aware that I am allowed to submit an appeal once in regards to against a Financial Aid determination only once in during my educational experience time at Bunker Hill Community College. This is the only appeal I will ever make, due to the fact that I am extremely determined to rise above the minimum requirements for Financial Aid acceptance and good standing at BHCC. Please allow me a second chance to prove that I can be a model student and achieve academic excellence.
    If you have any questions or need any additional information, please contact me at EMAIL REMOVED - Send PM to This User Instead or 617 000 0000.
    I thank you for your consideration to of this appeal.

    Sincerely,
    See above for amendments. If you have any queries, please post them!

  3. #3
    Tes is offline Junior Member
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    Default Re: Please help me to improve my writing.

    Thank you very much for correcting my mistakes.

    Here is the third paragraph that has been corrected. Is it normal starting paragraph with the word and? should I keep this as follows? Please help me.

    Also, during the summer of 2008 and fall of 2009, I was in full-time employment. I had a very demanding work schedule (12 hour shifts) which caused me to be in the office more than at home. During office hours, I was unable to work on my class assignments and by the time I got home, it was late. And I had to get ready for the next day and try to make time for my patient mom. I soon realized that returning to school along with working longer hours was more difficult than I thought and that I may have taken on more than I could actually handle.

  4. #4
    emsr2d2's Avatar
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    Default Re: Please help me to improve my writing.

    Quote Originally Posted by Tes View Post
    Thank you very much for correcting my mistakes.

    Here is the third paragraph that has been corrected. Is it normal starting paragraph with the word and? should I keep this as follows? Please help me.

    Also, during the summer of 2008 and fall of 2009, I was in full-time employment. I had a very demanding work schedule (12 hour shifts) which caused me to be in the office more than at home. During office hours, I was unable to work on my class assignments and by the time I got home, it was late. And I had to get ready for the next day and try to make time for my patient mom. I soon realized that returning to school along with working longer hours was more difficult than I thought and that I may have taken on more than I could actually handle.
    Starting that sentence with "and" doesn't really work. It's a list of things that were a fact when you got home: 1) it was late 2) you had to prepare for the next day and 3) you had to make time for your mum - so there's no reason why they shouldn't all be in one sentence.

    I still don't understand what you mean by "my patient mum". Do you really mean "patient" as an adjective meaning "tolerant, understanding, calmly waiting"? If so, I don't really see how it's relevant. You can simply say that you needed to spend time with your mother.

  5. #5
    Barb_D's Avatar
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    Default Re: Please help me to improve my writing.

    Side note:
    Office hours is a term in the US to refer to when professors make themselves available to their students.

    "I'm going to Professor Smith's office hours for some help on this assignment."

    So that use is actually okay.
    I'm not a teacher, but I write for a living. Please don't ask me about 2nd conditionals, but I'm a safe bet for what reads well in (American) English.

  6. #6
    emsr2d2's Avatar
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    Default Re: Please help me to improve my writing.

    Thanks Barb. I had no idea of that usage.

  7. #7
    Tes is offline Junior Member
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    Default Re: Please help me to improve my writing.

    What I want to say about my mom is that I had to taking care of my mom, who is a patient (sick) mom. If that doesn't make sense I will omit this sentence.

    Thanks again for your help. I will correct everything as you said because you you know better than me (English is your native language)

  8. #8
    Tes is offline Junior Member
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    Default Re: Please help me to improve my writing.

    Is it okay to replace the word "patient" by "sick"

    During office hours, I was unable to work on my class assignments and by the time I got home, it was late and I had to get ready for the next day and try to make time for my sick ( patient) mom. Please help

  9. #9
    emsr2d2's Avatar
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    Default Re: Please help me to improve my writing.

    Quote Originally Posted by Tes View Post
    Is it okay to replace the word "patient" by "sick"

    During office hours, I was unable to work on my class assignments and by the time I got home, it was late and I had to get ready for the next day and try to make time for my sick ( patient) mom. Please help
    That paragraph is now fine, as long as you use "sick" not "patient". "Patient" as an adjective has nothing to do with being sick. If you are in hospital because you are sick, you are "a patient" (noun).
    Last edited by emsr2d2; 27-Jul-2010 at 22:02.

  10. #10
    Tes is offline Junior Member
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    Default Re: Please help me to improve my writing.

    Thank you so much for helping me with my writing. That is so much for me. I appreciate everything you have done for me.

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