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  1. #1
    Bassim is offline Senior Member
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    Default Please, could you proofread my text

    Please could you proofread this text:

    He put the pencil down and stared at the bars and beyond them the reddening afternoon sky. He could feel the need of all those imprisoned men and women around him. He could read their hearts as no other person could. He understood their fear, pain, loneliness, disappointment and desolation. He knew that some of them would have a rough time in the coming months and years - their dark hair following them like the Jewish Star of David. They had been already sentenced even before the trial started, and the only uncertainty was the length of the sentences. He could also feel the mood of the guards who on the outside were correct and friendly, but who probably wished to be somewhere else, away from these swarthy people who had come here only to abuse their welfare state, to rape their wives, to rob their banks and their pensioners. This place simply reflected the state of the divided world in which would never be an understanding and peace between nations as long they governed by current leaders. They came and went and the only changes they made were another more subtle ways of lying, manipulating and exploiting their own citizens.

  2. #2
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    RonBee is offline Moderator
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    Default Re: Please, could you proofread my text

    Changes will be in red.

    Quote Originally Posted by Bassim View Post

    He put the pencil down and stared at the bars and beyond them the reddening afternoon sky. He could feel the need of all those imprisoned men and women around him. He could read their hearts as no other person could. He understood their fear, pain, loneliness, disappointment and desolation. He knew that some of them would have a rough time in the coming months and years - their dark hair following them like the Jewish Star of David. They had been already sentenced even before the trial started, and the only uncertainty was the length of the sentences. He could also feel the mood of the guards who on the outside were correct and friendly, but who probably wished to be somewhere else, away from these swarthy people who had come here only to abuse their welfare state, to rape their wives, to rob their banks and their pensioners. This place simply reflected the state of the divided world in which there would never be an understanding and peace between nations as long they were governed by the current leaders. They came and went, and the only changes they made wereto invent more subtle ways of lying, manipulating and exploiting their own citizens.
    I don't get the part about their dark hair (the dark hair of the prisoners?) following them like the Jewish star of David. (Perhaps additional context would make that more clear.)

    The phrase "an understanding" would ordinarily refer to a specific agreement of some kind (either written or unwritten). Removing the "an" changes the meaning to what was (more likely) intended.

    ~R

  3. #3
    Bassim is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: Please, could you proofread my text

    Dear RonBee

    Thank you very much for helping me and proofreading the text.

    The part "their dark hair following them like the Jewish star.." is the dark hair of the prisoners.

  4. #4
    Bassim is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: Please, could you proofread my text

    Dear Gillnetter.

    I am just wondering if I could use the verb "brand" instead and write "their dark hair branding them like the Jewish Star of David" ?

  5. #5
    RonBee's Avatar
    RonBee is offline Moderator
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    Default Re: Please, could you proofread my text

    Quote Originally Posted by Bassim View Post
    Dear Gillnetter.

    I am just wondering if I could use the verb "brand" instead and write "their dark hair branding them like the Jewish Star of David" ?
    Yes, that might work, because it would indicate that they stood out because of that.


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