Please, would you proofread the first part of my short story
I was sitting in an almost empty cafe; bored with my lonely, meaningless life, thinking about if I am going to kill myself this week or wait a few more days to see if anything was going to change, when two blondes entered and sat at the table close to mine. They were in their twenties, dressed in very tight clothes and if this had been somewhere in Germany I would have thought that they were prostitutes who took a short break before returning to their rooms and their customers. Their long blond hair was pulled back into ponytails, revealing their beautiful faces, as if they belonged to the two dolls. They had some cheap hoop earrings in their ears, metal rings on their fingers and plastic bangles on their slender arms.
It had been years since I held a woman in my arms and the closeness of these two attractive young ladies stirred something inside me. They sat so close that in one moment I was tempted to stretch out my hand and pinch the tight of one of them. It looked as if the jeans were at least two sizes two small and would fall apart at the seams any moment. I was pretending reading a book, but actually, I was observing their every move and feeling my body as well as my brain burning with desire.
They had with them a plastic tray with cups of coffee, glasses of water and some cakes, and after they tasted their drinks one of them said,
“I’ve decided to dump him.”
“Why are you so eager,” said the other.
“He is simply boring. Boring in bed, boring when he makes jokes, boring when he eats, boring when he talks about his job...”
“So what?” said the other. “He buys you expensive presents, invites you to dinners, parties, travels. It costs you nothing.”
“I know,” said the first. “Now he wants to take me with him for two weeks in Australia.”
“Oh, Australia! How interesting! I wished someone would invite me there.”
“But I don’t want to follow him.”
“How can you be so stupid, you silly girl? You can always dump him, but you can’t always travel to Australia.”
“I know,” said the first, “but I would never manage to be with him in a hotel room for so long time. That would be a real torture!”
The End of the Part one
Last edited by Bassim; 11-Aug-2010 at 15:39.
Thank you very much for your help. I really appreciate it. It means much to me that someone can correct my mistakes and tell me what I have written wrong.
There will be more short stories and texts from me soon.