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  1. #1
    HaraKiriBlade's Avatar
    HaraKiriBlade is offline Member
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    Default Proofread plus long list of questions

    I wasn't sure whether I should post this here or to 'ask a teacher' section, but since this is more of a writing with questions than just questions, I came here.
    If you don't have time to provide the corrections to the writing and answer my questions at the same time you can do one at a time. (I'm sounding like you have an obligation... wish I could better phrase the sentence)

    Anywayz, here's the writing I want corrected.

    It was another day at work.

    My parents own a buliding with three suites, one of them being their convenience store. I work there as a store clerk.

    I was taking customers when the building's security system activated and the alarm blared out of blue. As the system is meant to sound the alarm only when the suites are locked up and break-in happens, I was puzzled. I went outside and discovered the tenent for suite 2 and 3 was having problems with the security panel.

    The system's set up in such an awkward way that whatever sets off the system from suite 2 and 3 goes to suite 1. They have no alarm of their own, it's always the alarm from suite 1 that blares. And the problem is, the moment the alarm starts blaring, our phone line is taken over and I can't make phone calls or use point-of-sale terminal (interac). So I called the security company from a payphone just outside the building.


    Security: @&$ Security.

    HKB: Hi, this is HKB from blah variety. Can you turn off the alarm please?

    Security: I need the password.

    HKB: it's blah blah blah bliyat.

    Security: No that's the entry code. We need the password, to verify your identity, so that we know you're who you say you are.

    HKB: Password... hmm... that's a problem. Maybe I should call dad and have him call you. He should know.

    Security: It should be on a red card we gave you.

    HKB: We were never given one.

    Security: Oh, that's a problem... ok then can you tell me the business name, the entry code and the locking code, please.

    HKB: That's what I told you just before, blah variety for the business name, blah blah blah bliyat for entry, blah blut blunt blue for locking.

    Security: OK. Now can you tell me what happened?

    HKB: The tenant that has suite 2 and 3 tried to get in, and it seems like he's having problems with his suites' security panels. They refuse to take inputs from the keypad.

    Security: OK, we'll send somebody over to check.

    HKB: And can you set up the system so that each suite has its own alarm?
    Security: Actually I was just talking to Esmaj, the owner, and he said we should separate your security system so that each suite has its own system. It doesn't make sense to inconvenience one because of others' problems.

    HKB: OK so you're sending someone today.

    Security: Yes. Semaj and Gnus, who set up your security system, are having a talk to get a better idea of how the system is actually set up and sutff so... we wouldn't know when the security will be separated until that's over...

    HKB: Keep me posted.

    Security: OK.

    HKB: Bye.

    As for the questions...

    1. I was 'taking' customers: I'm not too confident about this one. Is this the right way, and if not, what alternatives do I have?

    2. Out of blue - I was thinking of another expression with the same meaning. Can you provide me with other possible replacements?

    3. As the system is meant to sound the alarm only when the suites are locked up and break-in happens... - If you were to rephrase it, how would you write?

    4. ...the tenant for suite 2 and 3 was having problems... - one tenant occupies both suites. Is my senetence fine or should it be rephrased?

    5. The system's set up in such an... ... goes to suite 1. - I hate this sentence. I'm trying to say that in case of break-in or whatever that causes the security in suite 2 and 3 to go off, it causes the alarm in suite 1 to go off. So the security panels in all suites are connected to the system in suite 1. Can you rephrase the sentence?

    6. So I called the security company from a payphone just outside the buliding. - is 'from' ok? or should I have used some other word?

    7. locking code - I'm sure the security guy on the phone said otherwise. What would be the opposite word to 'entry code'?

    8. Yes. Semaj and Gnus, who set up your security system, are having a talk to... - Now it's only Gnus who set up the security system. Semaj is just having a talk with him. The sentence sounds like they both set up the system together. Is there a fix to it?

    Thank you very much. The post has been edited so that the areas of sentences in question and the actual questions match in colour.

    HKB
    Last edited by HaraKiriBlade; 25-Jun-2005 at 15:22.

  2. #2
    Tdol is offline Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    Default Re: Proofread plus long list of questions

    1- I think 'taking' is OK, you could use 'dealing with'
    2- It's 'out of the blue'. How about 'all of a sudden'?
    3- Couldn't you just say the 'alarm os only meant to ring in the event of a break-in'?. I think the rest is understood.
    4- I think it's OK. You could use an ampersand (&)
    5- If the alarm rings in suite 2 or 3, it triggers the alarm in our suite/suite 1.???
    6- From is fine
    7- Security code??
    8- Reverse the order- Gnus, who balh blah, and Semaj...

  3. #3
    HaraKiriBlade's Avatar
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    Default Re: Proofread plus long list of questions

    Thanks a lot Tdol. You nailed down most of my questions.

    It's only question 2 and 7 that I still wonder about.

    2. Out of THE blue... got it. All of the sudden wasn't what I've been looking for. Same meaning, and the phrase probably contains 'blue' if my memory serves, but it's not 'out of the blue'. Anything that comes to your mind?

    7. 'entry code' is a set of numbers to unlock the security so that whoever opens the store can get in. I need to use a different set of numbers when closing the store, to activate the security. I'm sure it wasn't a 'locking code'. 'security code'... the security person on the phone may have used different word. I know you're not him and you wouldn't know what he said but you would be able to make a good guess. Would you mind to share a few?

  4. #4
    Tdol is offline Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    Default Re: Proofread plus long list of questions

    I can't think of anything with 'blue'- it's not 'once in a blue moon', so I'm not sure.

    Activation code? Sorry, I don't have an alarm here (very low crime rate).

  5. #5
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    Default Re: Proofread plus long list of questions

    Thank you!!! I must be having a memory lapse. Once in a blue moon - I know it doesn't mean the same as 'out of the blue' or 'all of a sudden', but it must have been the one hanging at the tip of my brain ready to fall off. All I could remember was 'blue', and that must've made me think that there's a replacement for 'out of the blue' with the same meaning, with 'blue' in the phrase.

    Thanks again Tdol, you're such a lifesaver.

  6. #6
    Tdol is offline Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    Default Re: Proofread plus long list of questions

    You're very welcome.

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