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    #1

    Exclamation Can someone please read and edit my short story? Around 500 words

    Can someone please read and edit my short story? Around 500 words

    A Free Murderer
    By, Chengcheng Guo
    Being a murderer had never crossed my mind. I just couldnít see myself, and blood, mixed together. However this was a different way of murder, a type where blood is not involved. Let me tell you, I donít think I can ever forget nor forgive myself for what I had done.
    I was only 8 years old when it happened, and it was during my third spring in Canada while I was living in an apartment building with my dad and grandma. But what made this year different than the others was that throughout this year we had received a lot of junk, which mostly all piled on the balcony because our storage was already full. With all this extra junk, it made a perfect nesting place for birds. I canít even begin to tell you how many times my dad told me not to brother the birds, touch them, leave them alone and how we were going to clean up after them when they had left. But considering that I was still a little kid, I was way to curious, seeing all those birds fly in the sky, I had always dreamed of flying with them by the way, and there were ones hatching on our balcony right now, How could I resist? I thought this was going to be a one in a life chance, to see real wild baby birds. So one day when everyone went out I went to the balcony. The next thing I did was totally an accident, I swear I didnít know it would have happened the way it did. I was just going to go pet the birds and maybe even feed it some food, but I didnít know that they would try to run away from me and fall off the balcony. To bring even more bad news I lived on the 16th floor, and the bird didnít know how to fly, so it didnít have much of a chance. I stared at the helpless young bird that had just lost everything because I decided to invade its home, as it fell and got crushed by gravity.
    I stared down to the bury shape that resembles a bird as I thought about what I had done, I didnít know what to do. This had never happened to me, with the expectation of killing a few small bugs, I had never killed anything weather on purpose or by accident in my life. I was in a state of shock, and thatís when it hit me, I realized what I had done. I was a criminal, a murderer some might say, I had not only taken the life of someone else, not listening to others advice, and also not thinking about what I was doing to the poor little thing. I was upset for almost a week, I didnít tell anyone about what I had done though. Then it came to me, I knew what I had to do, I had and still have to listen to other, not to be selfish, and think about what Iím about to do before I do it. I had never gotten around telling my dad but my grandma had caught on, but after I told her what I learned after this incident she decided to keep this little accident a secret from my dad if I promised to do as I said. I was ready to chance, determined inside, I had a goal and I was ready to reach it no matter what. To this day I almost always listen to my dad and always think about what Iím doing before approaching it!


    Any thing that i should add, or doesn't make sense. By the way i suck at English and I'm in grade 11...so please tell me if this is good enough thanks you!


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    #2

    Re: Can someone please read and edit my short story? Around 500 words

    Thanks you !

    And when you say college do you mean grade 11 applied english or college like after high school?

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    #3

    Re: Can someone please read and edit my short story? Around 500 words

    Quote Originally Posted by DouboC View Post
    Thanks you !

    And when you say college do you mean grade 11 applied english or college like after high school?
    We say "thank you", "thanks" or "many thanks". What does "thanks you" mean?

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    #4

    Re: Can someone please read and edit my short story? Around 500 words

    I was only 8 eight years old when it happened, and it was during my third spring in Canada while I was living in an apartment building with my dad and grandma.


    Mr. Gillnetter:

    Before and after the conjunction "and" you deleted is respectively a complete sentence, and we know that the comma doesn't have the function to connect two complete sentences, so why shall the conjunction "and" be deleted?

    Thanks

    Steven Zhu


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    #5

    Re: Can someone please read and edit my short story? Around 500 words

    Quote Originally Posted by Steven Zhu View Post
    We say "thank you", "thanks" or "many thanks". What does "thanks you" mean?
    Oh, sorry that was a typing mistake but thanks for pointing it out for me.

    This site seems like a great site to use to improve my English skills i will be definitely be coming back in the near future.

    Thanks , Steven Zhu and Gillnetter

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    #6

    Re: Can someone please read and edit my short story? Around 500 words

    Quote Originally Posted by DouboC View Post
    Let me tell you, I donít think I can ever forget nor forgive myself for what I had done.

    Try:
    .
    I don't think I can ever forget what happened, nor can I forgive myself for what I did.


  2. RonBee's Avatar
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    #7

    Re: Can someone please read and edit my short story? Around 500 words

    Quote Originally Posted by DouboC View Post
    But considering that I was still a little kid, I was way to curious, seeing all those birds fly in the sky, I had always dreamed of flying with them by the way, and there were ones hatching on our balcony right now,
    But considering that I was still a little kid, I was very curious about all those birds nearby. I had always dreamed about flying with the birds, and now there were birds hatching right on our balcony.

    (The phrase "way to curious" should of course be "way too curious".)


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    #8

    Re: Can someone please read and edit my short story? Around 500 words

    Quote Originally Posted by DouboC View Post
    The next thing I did was totally an accident, I swear I didnít know it would have happened the way it did.
    The next thing I did was totally an accident. I swear I didn't know things would happen the way they did.

    (Say: the advice of others.)



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    #9

    Re: Can someone please read and edit my short story? Around 500 words

    Quote Originally Posted by RonBee View Post
    Try:
    .
    I don't think I can ever forget what happened, nor can I forgive myself for what I did.


    First off thanks RonBee for all your advice however i have a question about taking out the "Let me tell you" part of the sentence, can you tell me why you think it would be better without it?

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