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  1. #1
    Ebtehal is offline Newbie
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • Arabic
      • Home Country:
      • Saudi Arabia
      • Current Location:
      • Saudi Arabia
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Posts
    23
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    please need to correct my writing

    Please I need your help to correct the following:

    Vision

    Achieve comprehensive urban development and provide better municipal services and agriculture that contribute to building a modern state, which meets the decent life for citizens and residents in order to achieve sustainable development.

    Mission

    Work to strengthen Bahrain's position as a distinctive cultural and economic well-being and an example of living and a pioneer in the manufacture of civilization and preserved in the urban development and agricultural development through upgrading of municipal services and agriculture to the highest quality and the application of comprehensive quality system and the development of human and financial resources and better use of standards, systems and technologies.

    Your help will be appreciated.

    Thank you

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Posts
    16
    Post Thanks / Like

    Smile Re: please need to correct my writing

    First impression is that you tried to put many things into one sentence, which will surely tire your readers (including me). Try to separate it so that reader can easily follow your thoughts. Your point is to make better informed readers, not to impress them. --> I'm not trying to be your teacher, but just tell my thoughts as a reader.
    Vision

    • Achieve comprehensive and sustainable urban development.
    • Provide better municipal services and agriculture to build a modern state.

    I hope that it may give you another idea about how to present your points. Sometimes format does matter. Good luck.

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