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  1. #1
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    Default Help with editing revising - essay

    To The Board Members Of The Scott Delforte Foundation:

    My name is Nicole and I am an 11th grader who is attending Arcadia High School during the school year of 2010-2011.

    I am applying for The Scott Delforte Foundation Ski Club Scholarship for a chance to continue participating in the Ski Club this year but due to limited resources I’m having a difficult time affording the registration fee required. The Ski Club will be starting in January and trips are scheduled all the way up until early March of 2011. Arcadia’s Ski Club travels to Bristol Mountain Ski Resort six times during the Winter Season.

    The director of the Ski Club has also organized a snowboarding/ski trip to Utah during February Recess 2011 that I am attending and fundraising to help pay for the expenses.

    Snowboarding may seem it's all fun and games but there is much more required than just packing and going. There are a lot of safety measures to be taken, not only for myself but for other people around me as well. During the past couple of years, I have enjoyed taking part in the Ski Club which has helped me to develop and improve my snowboarding skills as well as my social and communication skills. There are also strict expectations that have to be followed in order to go on these trips. One of the expectations is that you cannot have any type of suspension or referral because (in doing so?) would result in immediate dismissal from the Ski Club for the season. Throughout my years in school, I have not received either a referral or suspension. These trips test your level of responsibility and help to improve it along the way. I do have all the necessary equipment that is expected for snowboarding, i.e., jacket, snow pants, goggles and helmet.

    With the help of your foundation, I would be able to further enhance my skills ( is this redundant? as well as enjoy all the benefits) snowboarding has to offer me.

    Thank you for providing me with the opportunity and I hope you consider my application.
    Last edited by roberta langs; 01-Nov-2010 at 17:25.

  2. #2
    bhaisahab's Avatar
    bhaisahab is online now Moderator
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Retired English Teacher
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    Default Re: Help with editing revising - essay

    Quote Originally Posted by roberta langs View Post
    To The Board Members Of The Scott Delforte Foundation:

    My name is Nicole and I am an 11th grader who is attending Arcadia High School during the school year of 2010-2011.

    I am applying for The Scott Delforte Foundation Ski Club Scholarship for a chance to continue participating in the Ski Club this year as, due to limited resources, Iím finding it difficult to afford the registration fee required. The Ski Club will be starting in January and trips are scheduled all the way up until early March of 2011. Arcadiaís Ski Club travels to Bristol Mountain Ski Resort six times during the Winter Season.

    The director of the Ski Club has also organized a snowboarding/ski trip to Utah during February Recess 2011 that I will be attending and I am fund-raising to help pay for the expenses.

    Snowboarding may seem like its all fun and games but there is much more required than just packing and going. There are a lot of safety measures to be taken, not only for myself but for the people around me as well. During the past couple of years I have enjoyed taking part in the Ski Club, it has helped me to develop and improve my snowboarding skills as well as my social and communication skills. There are strict conditions that have to be met in order to go on these trips. One of these is that you must not have had any type of suspension or referral as this would result in immediate dismissal from the Ski Club for the season. Throughout my years in school, I have received no referrals or suspensions. These trips test your level of responsibility and help to improve it along the way. I do have all the necessary equipment that is expected for snowboarding, i.e., jacket, snow pants, goggles and helmet.

    With the help of your foundation I would be able to further enhance my skills while, at the same time, enjoying all the benefits snowboarding has to offer.
    Thank you for providing me with the opportunity and I hope you will consider my application favorably.
    Here are my suggestions.

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