Results 1 to 2 of 2
  1. #1
    cocosua88 is offline Newbie
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Posts
    3
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Please help me correct my essay

    I need your honest feedback and lots of help.
    My weakest part is grammar. I would thank you in advance, if you can help me with it.
    How is my overall essay, structure, feeling?
    Do you think my message is clear enough?

    Essay describing why you wish to transfer at this time and explaining academic challenges and/or future goals.

    "Everyone make fun a my drawing. I can't draw, Ms.SuA," said Ji-Yul stressfully on the first day of my Book Art Class. Hovering the pencil tip on a blank paper, he glared at me hopelessly. I knew from the meeting before the class that he enjoyed coloring Although Ji-Yul was a receptive student, he was overwhelmed by fear. He suffered from dyspraxia and dysgraphia, both neulogical disorders that impair the hand to brain coordination. Without a constant exercise, he cannot write legibly or unlock a door. At that very moment, the preconscious mind opened its eyes to the importance of therapy for children like Ji-Yul, in specific a field of psychology.

    His response brought a flashback of my childhood. My left hand tied up to a chair, I was forced to re-learn how to write properly. "It's a bad luck! Your friends will make fun of you," scolded my mom. As a result, I gave up on my habits of writing backwards with a left hand. I also hid myself from synesthesia, seeing numbers and alphabets in color, out of fear just like Ji-Yul.

    Luckily, I quickly found myself a way to shed off my fear through art. Over the course of years in Maryland Institute College of Art, I have developed creative problem solving skills and augmented a humanistic experience as a graphic designer. Approaching from different perspective, my passion still lies within a circumference of the study of the impact of our society and culture. University of Maryland offers exactly what I am looking for: diverse culture and strong academic. By attending University of Maryland, I will not only gain the skills necessary to help other children to overcome unseen hardship, but also become a proactive member of the community to share my passion.

    Thank you again for reading my essay~

  2. #2
    RonBee's Avatar
    RonBee is offline Moderator
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Other
      • Native Language:
      • American English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    Posts
    16,571
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: Please help me correct my essay

    You need to make some changes.

    Quote Originally Posted by cocosua88 View Post
    Write an essay describing why you wish to transfer at this time and stating what academic challenges you have had or expect to have and also stating what your academic goals are.

    "Everyone makes fun of my drawing. I can't draw, Ms.SuA," said Ji-Yul nervously on the first day of my Book Art Class. Holding the pencil tip over a blank paper, he looked at me helplessly. I knew from the meeting before the class that he enjoyed coloring Although Ji-Yul was a receptive student, he was overwhelmed by fear. He suffered from dyspraxia and dysgraphia, both neurological disorders that impair the hand to brain coordination. Without a constant exercise, he cannot write legibly or unlock a door. At that very moment, the preconscious mind opened its eyes to the importance of therapy for children like Ji-Yul, in specific a field of psychology.
    The phrase "constant exercise" doesn't work there, but I am not sure what to replace it with. (Perhaps: "Without constantly staying focused....") I am not even sure there is such a thing as a preconscious mind, but I am pretty sure it that phrase does not fit there.

    (I had to look up receptive. Receptive | Define Receptive at Dictionary.com)


Similar Threads

  1. [Essay] Please help me correct my essay
    By CrazyKid in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 13-Jul-2010, 16:38
  2. Can somebody PLEASE correct my essay?
    By Jasipen in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 28-Apr-2010, 16:02
  3. could you correct my essay
    By smilingjenia in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 06-Jan-2010, 13:14
  4. Could you please correct this essay.It is about
    By leyli javid in forum Letter Writing
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 09-Feb-2009, 13:49
  5. Could you please correct my essay. it is the first essay i write
    By leangguek in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 09-Feb-2008, 04:10

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •