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    • Join Date: Nov 2010
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    #1

    Smile Could anyone help me revise this essay and give me some suggestions?

    In my mind, I always regarded Egypt as quite mysterious country and we can discover a lot of secrets in history. When I was a child, I was also afraid of the mummy because it made me feel something weird and uncomfortable. However, after I saw the movie named “The Mummy”, I was greatly curious about the mummy and Egypt’ history. And I also have been to museum to see mummy before. It was really a wonderful experience to me.
    I think the mummy was a kind of distinct tradition from Egypt, so until now, it gave rise to many archaeologist’ strong curiosity. As for me, I think the mummy is an intelligent technique for Egyptian. Although it is almost in underdeveloped countries, it is unbelievable to preserve the body forever. If one day, I were the mummy, I was glad to let descendants along with foreigners see and research because it is not only a kind of traditional inheritance but also can promote our country. It’s great for all of us in the world.


    • Join Date: Nov 2010
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    #2

    Smile Re: Could anyone help me revise this essay and give me some suggestions?

    I really wanted to keep a cute dog to be my best friend when I was a child. But around five years old, I had the similar experience to her that cast a shadow in my life. On a wonderful sunny day, my mother took me to the park near my house with delight. We rode a bike together and flew a kite enjoyably.

    Little by little, when the sky was nearly dark and we were about to go back home. Suddenly, I accidentally stepped on a dog’s tail and didn’t know what should I do at that time. And then, the dog began barking at me fiercely and seemed to bite me immediately. At that moment, I cried loudly while running to my mother as fast as I can. Lucky to say, the dog didn’t bite me but after that day, I was afraid of touching dogs and tried to stand off them as I as possible.

    But now, after I saw the movie about the stray dog’ life in high school, I felt really sad that a lot of people threw them away without thinking. I think dogs are not only our pets but also our companions. I think that If we genuinely love them, we should regard them as one of our family’ members forever and ever.

  1. hujail's Avatar

    • Join Date: Oct 2010
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    #3

    Re: Could anyone help me revise this essay and give me some suggestions?

    This is a modification of your writing, I hope that it doesn't have any grammatical error.

    -------------------------
    In my mind, I always regarded Egypt as a quite mysterious country and we can discover a lot of secrets in its history.
    When I was a child, I was afraid of the mummy because it made me feel something weird and uncomfortable. However, after I saw the movie named “The Mummy”, I was greatly curious about the mummy and Egypt history. I also have visited a museum to see how the mummy looks in the past. It was really a wonderful experience to me.

    Until now, I think the mummy was a kind of distinct Egyptian tradition. It inspired the curiosity of many archaeologists to discover their mysteries. But for me, I think the mummy is an intelligent technique used by Egyptians. Although Egypt is almost underdeveloped country, it is unbelievable to preserve the body forever.
    If I were a mummy on a day, I would glad letting descendants along with foreigners see and research the secret of my preservation.

    [This is because it is not only a kind of traditional inheritance but also a promoter to my country.] --> I am not sure whether these correct or not because not only... but also grammatically should follow the same pattern meaning if used noun with not only you should use noun with but also and the same for adjective and verbs.

    The last statement “It’s great for all of us in the world” looks wired to me but I rather add a conclusion “ Overall, these techniques will provide a better world”
    --------------------

    I would appreciate anybody to correct me, If I am wrong.........

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