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  1. #1
    Bassim is offline Senior Member
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    Default Please, could you proofread these sentences

    I am not sure if this text is correct, please could you proofread these sentences.

    He was distressed, having a premonition that the woman must have been suffering greatly far away from her homeland and her family. He wished he could blow up the concrete wall which separated them and give her a warm hug. He would comfort her with his compassion and listen to her worries with such patience as no other human being would be able to do.
    Last edited by Bassim; 23-Nov-2010 at 15:35.

  2. #2
    RonBee's Avatar
    RonBee is offline Moderator
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    Default Re: Please, could you proofread these sentences

    The word "premonition" doesn't work there. That is because a premonition is a feeling about what is going to happen in the future. Perhaps:
    .
    He was distressed, having a feeling that the woman must have been suffering greatly being so far away from her homeland and her family.
    .
    What you wanted to say (I think) is that the woman's suffering was caused by being so far away from her husband and family. So you needed another word or two in there (in front of "far") to make that clear.

    Blowing up a concrete wall and giving somebody a warm hug don't really go together. Perhaps he could climb over the concrete wall?

    For the third sentence, I would probably delete "with his compassion" or, possibly, substitute something for "compassion" (perhaps "presence").

    What do you think?




  3. #3
    Bassim is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: Please, could you proofread these sentences

    Dear RonBee

    I think that "having a feeling" and "being so far away from her homeland" are the words which say exactly what I wanted to describe.

    My main character sits in prison so he cannot climb over the wall and I have believed that "blowing up the wall" is the suitable phrase, but if you have another better expression please tell me.

    Regarding the third sentence, I think that your suggestion "presence" is the right word.

  4. #4
    RonBee's Avatar
    RonBee is offline Moderator
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    Default Re: Please, could you proofread these sentences

    Well, that context is helpful. This is beyond proofreading, but blowing up a wall is not a good way to escape from prison. It would definitely attract attention (the last thing you want). (How you would get the explosives is another problem, but never mind.) Never mind the wall. I would simply say I want to get out the prison (which is what he wants). On the other hand(The wheels are turning!), you could leave the wall in and say something like: "If I could I would walk through this wall and right into your arms."



    Are we getting there?


  5. #5
    Bassim is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: Please, could you proofread these sentences

    Dear
    RonBee

    I have to tell you that they are both in prison. He hears her crying and praying in adjacent cell and suffers with her unable to help her. Blowing up the wall and hugging her is simply his wish which would never become reality.

    If this is the case, could "blowing up the wall" be all right?

  6. #6
    RonBee's Avatar
    RonBee is offline Moderator
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    Default Re: Please, could you proofread these sentences

    Quote Originally Posted by Bassim View Post
    Dear
    RonBee


    I have to tell you that they are both in prison. He hears her crying and praying in adjacent cell and suffers with her unable to help her. Blowing up the wall and hugging her is simply his wish which would never become reality.

    If this is the case, could "blowing up the wall" be all right?
    Well, the decision is yours. I still like walking through the wall though. (Either, of course, is impossible.)


  7. #7
    Bassim is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: Please, could you proofread these sentences

    RonBee

    I will listen to your advice and take your option. After all, English is your native language while I am still learning it.

  8. #8
    Jay Louise's Avatar
    Jay Louise is offline Junior Member
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    Default Re: Please, could you proofread these sentences

    I know this comment is a bit belated. I love the imagery of the man being desperate to get through the wall and reach the woman to comfort her. I agree that the idea of blowing up the wall seems too violent and destructive. It does make me think of escape when it seems the man isn't looking to escape but to simply help the woman in the next room.

    Perhaps he wishes he could tear down the wall? Especially since we often wish to tear down even imaginary or emotional walls between people.

    Or maybe he simply wishes he could reach through the wall to comfort her.

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