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  1. #1
    Bassim is offline Senior Member
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    Default Please could your proofread my text

    Please, could you proofread the first part of my short story "The Parachutist"

    When I was a young boy I used to sit very often on my balcony and watch activities above the sport airfield which was not so far away from our house. I would take with me some cakes, fruit and juice and sit comfortably in the camping chair watching planes, and gliders flying in the clear blue sky. I could not see the runway because of the roofs of other houses, but I could see planes when they began to rise slowly off the ground and ascend into the sky.

    I would follow them with my eyes when they soared over the town, buzzing like huge insects. Sometimes they were pulling a glider on a towrope and I always waited for the moment when the glider unhooked the rope and started soaring in the air freely and noiselessly using thermals as a means of propulsion.

    The scene filled with me happiness and I was imagining being inside the cabin and watching down at the town, buildings, streets, trees, meadows, hills and a river winding through the beautiful landscape. I have always thought that flying must be one of the greatest experiences a human being can have in his lifetime. To be somewhere in between those two elements of our existence, the earth and the sky, moving through the air and breaking the shackles of the gravitational force.

    Now and then, special acrobatic planes and gliders would arrive at the airfield and they would turn the sky into a big playground. A little plane did loops, eights, rolls, spins and other figures with such easiness and daring as if the pilot was a child playing with his favourite toy. With every figure he made my heart beat faster and although sitting in the chair, I felt my head spinning around.

    To be continued.

  2. #2
    Jay Louise's Avatar
    Jay Louise is offline Junior Member
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    Default Re: Please could your proofread my text

    Quote Originally Posted by Bassim View Post
    Please, could you proofread the first part of my short story "The Parachutist"

    When I was a young boy I used to sit very often on my balcony and watch activities above the sport airfield which was not so far away from our house. I would take with me some cakes, fruit and juice and sit comfortably in the camping chair watching planes[delete comma] and gliders flying in the clear blue sky. I could not see the runway because of the roofs of other houses, but I could see planes when they began to rise slowly off the ground and ascend into the sky.

    I would follow them with my eyes when they soared over the town, buzzing like huge insects. Sometimes they were pulling a glider on a towrope, and I always waited for the moment when the glider unhooked the rope and started soaring in the air freely and noiselessly using thermals as a means of propulsion.

    The scene filled with me happiness, and I was imagining (consider using "imagined" instead of "was imagining") being inside the cabin and watching looking down at the town, buildings, streets, trees, meadows, hills and a river winding through the beautiful landscape. I have always thought that flying must be one of the greatest experiences a human being can have in his lifetime. To be somewhere in between those two elements of our existence, the earth and the sky, moving through the air and breaking the shackles of the gravitational force.

    Now and then, special acrobatic planes and gliders would arrive at the airfield and they would turn the sky into a big playground. A little plane did loops, eights, rolls, spins and other figures with such easiness ease and daring as if the pilot was a child playing with his favourite toy. With every figure he made my heart beat faster, and although sitting in the chair, I felt my head spinning around.

    To be continued.
    "I used to sit very often on my balcony" this is a bit awkward. Try "I often used to sit on my balcony" or "I would often sit on my balcony".

    With every figure he made my heart beat faster
    For clarity, you should have a comma in here somewhere, depending on what meaning and emphasis you want.

    He made my heart beat faster with every figure. =
    With every figure, he made my heart beat faster.

    My heart beat faster with every figure he made. =
    With every figure he made, my heart beat faster.

    The change in emphasis is small (in this example at least), but it will improve the flow and ease in reading.

  3. #3
    Bassim is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: Please could your proofread my text

    Dear Jay,
    Thank you for helping me and giving me good advice.

  4. #4
    RonBee's Avatar
    RonBee is offline Moderator
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    Default Re: Please could your proofread my text

    I agree with almost everything the Jay Louise said. For the second sentence (first paragraph), try:
    .
    I would take with me some cakes, fruit and juice and sit comfortably in the camping chair watching planes and gliders fly in the clear blue sky.
    .
    For the last sentence, try:
    .
    With every figure he made my heart beat faster, and I felt my head spinning around.


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