I would be more that happy help you correct your paragraph. I teach Beginning College Writing and help my students with this all the time. What I will do is copy it into Word, and make some suggestions and corrections. (don't worry, I won't rewrite it!) But I want you to know the mistakes you made, and why you made them, so you can learn from them. After I am done, I will then post it as an attachment. I will have it back to you by the end of the day tomorrow. (Friday).