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  1. #1
    Bassim is offline Senior Member
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    Default Please,would you proofread these sentences

    Please, would you proofread my sentences:

    They all returned to the van and presently they were rolling along the motorway. They passed through the same flat country until in the distance he could see the high-rises and the factory chimneys of the big city. The golden arches of the well-known fast food chain shone in the sun, followed by the large hoardings advertising soft drinks, cars, electronic products and mobile phones. The vehicles were speeding fast and their passengers could just glance shortly at one hoarding before their eyes would be noticing another, but probably someone had worked out that these fleeting seconds would be enough for a message to make itself engraved in the human mind.

  2. #2
    Richard1 is offline Member
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    Default Re: Please,would you proofread these sentences

    They all returned to the van and were soon driving along the motorway. They passed through the same flat country until in the distance he could see the high-rise flats and factory chimneys of the big city.

    Approaching the city the golden arches of the well-known fast food chain shone in the sun, and because the vehicle was driving fast the large hoardings advertising soft drinks, cars, electronic products and mobile phones flashed past. The passengers barely had time to focus on one before another was in vision, but probably someone had worked out that these fleeting seconds would be enough for a message to make itself engraved in the human mind.

    Regards

  3. #3
    Bassim is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: Please,would you proofread these sentences

    Richard1
    I have to tell you that this was not good proofreading. You have changed the whole meaning of the text.

  4. #4
    Richard1 is offline Member
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    Default Re: Please,would you proofread these sentences

    Quote Originally Posted by Bassim View Post
    Richard1
    I have to tell you that this was not good proofreading. You have changed the whole meaning of the text.
    In what way have I changed the whole meaning? You'll need to give some examples I'm not prepared to accept your statement at face value.

    The original was not easy to read and didn't flow naturally. You asked for it to be proof read and I changed it to leave the information exactly the same but make the whole thing more readable and understandable.

    Specifically:

    'presently' is very clumsy and not a natural British English expression. You may find it in Am. English but not Br.

    'rolling along the motorway' is not a common expression hence the change to 'driving'.
    No one says 'the high-rises'.

    'the' before 'factory' is redundant.

    The sentence beginning 'The golden arches' goes on to suggest that the hoardings were also shining in the sun which I'm sure is not what's intended. In this same sentence the end bit starting with 'followed by' just does not make sense and is ugly.

    'Speeding fast' is tautology. Speeding implies fast. You don't need both.

    'their passengers could just glance shortly at one hoarding before their eyes would be noticing another,' is very clumsy and does not flow naturally.
    In any case and from a logical point of view you can't possibly notice another hoarding until you've seen a previous hoarding and hence this is confusing.

    So I've given you my reasons for the proof reading. Now tell me why I've changed the whole meaning - with examples please.

    Rgds

  5. #5
    Bassim is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: Please,would you proofread these sentences

    Dear Richard.

    I am reading in the "Longman Dictionary of Contemporary English that "presently" is adverb and means in a short time. It is completely acceptable in British English too. Its idiom is "soon"
    High-rises is a completely acceptable word.

    I think that your version of the sentence beginning with "approaching the city... and then comes "and because the vehicle was driving past", simply is not good and clumsy.

    Best wishes,
    B

  6. #6
    Richard1 is offline Member
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    Default Re: Please,would you proofread these sentences

    Hi,

    I'm sorry but I can't agree, and I speak as a native Br. English speaker of some 64 years.

    You said I'd changed the 'whole meaning' of your text, yet you've still given me no explanation as to how the 'whole meaning' has changed. Please do so.

    I specifically mentioned that 'presently' may be acceptable in your context in Am. English but it certainly isn't in Br. English. It's akin to the word 'momentarily' which americans use to mean 'in a moment', which meaning grates on the English ear.

    High-rises is not an acceptable word. I've heard of high-rise but this is generally qualified by adding say 'flats' or 'buildings'. I've never seen or heard it stand alone in the way you used it which is precisely why I corrected it.

    You'll have to tell me why you think my correction of the sentence 'approaching the city..' is 'not good' and 'clumsy'. I just can't agree. It reads perfectly sensibly so I challenge you to say why you think it's wrong. Just saying so isn't good enough.

    Rgds

  7. #7
    Bassim is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: Please,would you proofread these sentences

    Dear Richard,

    I could find dozens of examples on the Internet with the word "high-rises" without the word "flat." You are asking me to explain to you something which I unfortunately cannot do well, simply because I am not a native speaker as you are. But your sentence does not sound well in my ears, because these sentences are part of a long story which is a literature and not a simple talk.

    I appreciate very much your time and your work, but why couldn't we simply wait and see if some of the teachers on this forum come with a better solution.

    Best wishes,
    B

  8. #8
    Bassim is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: Please,would you proofread these sentences

    Dear Gil,
    Thank you for your reply. Now I have finally received the right answer. I only hope that Richard1 would not be angry with me.

    "Hoarding" is the British English word for "billboard" in American E.

  9. #9
    Richard1 is offline Member
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    Default Re: Please,would you proofread these sentences

    Hello Bassim,

    Sorry but that's still not good enough. You said I'd completely changed the meaning yet you can't or won't tell me why you believe this. i.e. where the meaning has changed.

    And just because you can find references to high-rises on the internet doesn't necessarily mean anything. The internet isn't the fount of all knowledge and I assure you that in the context you were using it high-rises wasn't correct. And believe me, my whole phraseology of your text was perfectly valid English, whilst your original just didn't read right.

    You admit you're not a native English speaker yet you are claiming to have sufficient and better knowledge than me, better to decide that what I wrote is incorrect. That's not acceptable.

    Please submit this to other moderators if you don't believe me, which patently you don't. See what they say and then let me know.

    Regards

  10. #10
    Bassim is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: Please,would you proofread these sentences

    Dear Richard,

    I do not doubt at all in your knowledge of your mother tongue. And I admit that my knowledge of English is still flawed. After all, this is the main reason that I am on this forum asking for help. There is nothing wrong with your version of the text, I simply think that it does not naturally flows.
    But please do not take my words personally. I do not want to be rude or hurt your feelings. It is just my opinion.

    All the best,
    B

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