paragraph review

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felix_felices

New member
Joined
Dec 24, 2010
Member Type
Student or Learner
Native Language
Hindi
Home Country
India
Current Location
India
please review this paragraph for my sop

"I was in my eighth grade when I first learnt about Gregor Mendel's theories of heredity. It intrigued me that how the then known "factors" being so small in size had the potential to determine the traits of an individual. Most importantly, Mendel’s illimitable amount of dedication and perseverance to prove what he believed in motivated me to display the same thirst to excel in my academics."

Please help me bring some flow to this. I want to keep this as my first paragraph.

(I'm planning for masters in biomed)
 

Route21

Senior Member
Joined
Nov 27, 2010
Member Type
Interested in Language
Native Language
British English
Home Country
England
Current Location
Thailand
Hi felix_felices

As a NES, but not a teacher, I could suggest:

"I was in my eighth grade when I first learnt about Gregor Mendel's theories of heredity. It intrigued me how such small factors, then known, had the potential to determine the traits of an individual. Most importantly, Mendel’s unwavering dedication and perseverance to prove what he believed in motivated me to display the same thirst to excel in my academics."

Hope this helps
R21
 
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