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  1. #1
    2haoxiaoyi is offline Newbie
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    Smile Is this paragraph properly expresses my idea?

    Could you help me with this paragraph?
    I am a student writing my personal statement these days. I asked a company to polish my ps. However, there is a paragraph I cannot understand after they polishing it. I wonder if you native English speakers can understand it? Is this the proper expression?

    The polished paragraph is
    "Move the snowdrift forward then catch the relief supplies to enable Robot EXE to carry the supplies to the worst hit area, then repeat the process until all supplies have been transported. At the completion of the process, EXE finally opens the switch and the power grid starts. "

    I want to express that in a competition, my robot moved away the snowdrift, used its arm to catch the relief supplies, and carried the supplies to the worst hit area. It repeatedly carry the supplies to the area. Finally, the robot opened a switch and then the power grid started.
    Dose the polished one properly express my idea?

    Thank you very much and Merry Christmas!

  2. #2
    2haoxiaoyi is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Is this paragraph properly expresses my idea?

    Quote Originally Posted by Gillnetter View Post
    Your text is more understandable than the edited version. The edited version sounds as though something or someone else moved the snow. I would suggest that you employ the talents of another company if the edited version is the best that they can do.

    In a competition, my robot, EXE, swept (one can move snow but swept might be a better word - imagine a broom being used to move the snow) away the snowdrift.

    It used its arm to pick up the relief supplies and carried them (Here, "them" is used to replace "supplies".) to the worst hit area.

    It carried more supplies to the worst hit area until all were delivered.

    Finally, EXE turned on a switch (In the US we would use "turned on a switch", in other countries, "opened a switch" may be used) to start the power grid.

    In a competition, my robot, EXE, swept away the snowdrift. it used its arm to pick up the relief supplies and carried them to the worst hit area. It continued to carry supplies until all were delivered. Finally, EXE, turned on a switch to start the power grid.

    Thanks! I have accepted your suggestion in my new ps. However, I have already applied to some universities using the wrong expression, the one edited by the company. Is it a big mistake? I am afraid that may influence my chance to be admitted.

  3. #3
    SoothingDave is offline VIP Member
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    Default Re: Is this paragraph properly expresses my idea?

    Finally, EXE turned on a switch (In the US we would use "turned on a switch", in other countries, "opened a switch" may be used) to start the power grid.
    Quick point. Closing switches turns them on. Open is off.

  4. #4
    2haoxiaoyi is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Is this paragraph properly expresses my idea?

    Quote Originally Posted by SoothingDave View Post
    Quick point. Closing switches turns them on. Open is off.
    Thanks
    Those universities may have already regarded me as a stupid student...

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