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  1. #1
    leia624 is offline Newbie
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      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
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      • Home Country:
      • Japan
      • Current Location:
      • Japan
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    Post I really need help!!!!

    Hi everyone! I really need help in grammar and phrasing for my personal statement! Please help me out!
    Thank you for your support in advance.

    -------------------------------------

    I am preparing for long time to get into the good college; Pepperdine University. I am assured that I want to achieve business education at Pepperdine. My father and few of my co-workers attended Pepperdine and, I want to become like them. I have been working at a law firm called Baker&McKenzie in Tokyo after graduating from International School of Sacred Heart. My experience in both places helped me to be ready to contribute to Pepperdine. I am going to accomplish and provide diverse perspectives that we each lack and grow together.
    I wanted to change. When I was in high school, I did not favor studying. I was not appreciating education enough and I rather wished to work and experience in the "real world". Since I always had business especially marketing in my mind as my future career, and had interested in law, I challenged myself to apply for an internship in Business and Marketing department at Baker&McKenzie. It is been the most memorable accomplishment, contribution and experience in 10 years of my life. I absorbed countless things such as time, diversity and connection importance. I am confident that the ideas I assimilated would help me when I am learning at Pepperdine because I have broad views and ideas that many students do not have yet. My experience urged me to study business and law more. I have worked at different places but I believe that those two fields are my interests.
    I met two Pepperdine alumnae at Baker&Mckenzie; a lawyer and a business coordinator. They made me aspire to attend Pepperdine more and become like one of them especially the Business Coordinator. My father also attended Pepperdine. What I am positive is that they are not just smart. They have independence and have individuality. They are also so confident and proud about themselves. I want to contribute by being one of the admirable representatives of Pepperdine.
    Before I was employed at Baker&McKenzie, I attended International School of Sacred Heart. I was there for 10 years contributing to Christianity. Although, I am technically not a Christian, I have always believed in Christianity. Therefore, I want to continue being in a Christianity community and, contribute and develop my faith in god. Other than Christianity, I gained the essence of diversity at my school. Not only about nationalities but diversity in opinions and characters are what makes this world diverse. I can bring different views, Japanese traditions and cultures to Pepperdine.
    Although I have plans and ideas about my future, it might change during college years. However, at this moment, I have my plans and dreams that makes me passionate about my life. Also I am certain that I want to attend Pepperdine. My diversity, passion, experience and perspectives will contribute to Pepperdine. At the same time, I will gain countless things that I could only gain in college and grow as a sophisticated person.

  2. #2
    billmcd is offline Key Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • English Teacher
      • Native Language:
      • English
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      • United States
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      • United States
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    Re: I really need help!!!!

    Quote Originally Posted by leia624 View Post
    Hi everyone! I really need help in grammar and phrasing for my personal statement! Please help me out!
    Thank you for your support in advance.

    -------------------------------------

    I amhave been preparing for long time to get into thea good college like Pepperdine University. I am assuredsure that I want to achievestudy business education at Pepperdine. My father and fewseveral of my co-workers attended Pepperdine. and, I want to become like them. I have been working at a law firm, called Baker & McKenzie in Tokyo aftersince graduating from International School of Sacred Heart. My experience in both places has helped me to be ready to contribute to Pepperdine. prepare for college. I am going to accomplish and provide diverse perspectives that we each lack and grow together. I wanted to change. (I don't think you should suggest that you can improve Pepperdine).When I was in high school, I did not favor enjoy studying. I was not appreciating did not value education enough. and I Rather, I wished to work in and experience in the "real world". Since I always had business, especially marketing, in my mind as my future career, and hadwas also interested in law, I challenged myself to apply for an internship in the Business and Marketing department at Baker & McKenzie. It ishas been the most memorable accomplishment, contribution ( only B & M can confirm whether it has been a "contribution") and experience in 10 years of my life. I absorbedlearned countless things such as time (?), diversity (?) and connection(?) importance (how does one learn time, diversity and connection?). I am confident that the ideasinformation and skills I assimilated would help me when I am learning studying at Pepperdine because I believe I have broad views and ideas that many students do not have yet. My experience urgedhas prompted me to study business and law. more. I have worked at different places but I believe that those two fields are my primary interests.
    I met two Pepperdine alumnae at Baker & Mckenzie; a lawyer and a business coordinator. They made me aspire to attend Pepperdine more and become like one of them especially the Business Coordinator. My father also attended Pepperdine. What I am positive about is that they are not just smart. They have independence and have individuality. They are also so confident and proud aboutof themselves. I want to contribute by being one of the admireable representatives of Pepperdine.
    Before I was employed at Baker & McKenzie, As I mentioned previously, I attended International School of Sacred Heart. I wasstudied there for 10 years, contributing to Christianity(? how did you contribute to Christianity?) . Although, I am technically actually not a Christian, I have always believed in Christianity. Therefore, I want to continue being in a Christianity community and, contribute and develop my faith in God. Other than Christianity, I gained the essence of diversity at my school. Not only about nationalities but diversity in opinions and charactersindividuals. are what makes this world diverse. I can bring different views, including Japanese traditions and cultures to Pepperdine.
    Although I have plans and ideas about my future, it I understand that they might change during college years. However, at this moment, I have my plans and dreams that makes me passionate about my life. Also I am certain that I want to attend Pepperdine. I am confident that my diversity, passion, experience and perspectives will contribute to Pepperdine. At the same time, I will gain countless things that I could only gain in college and grow as a sophisticated person.
    Some suggestions.

  3. #3
    leia624 is offline Newbie
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • Japanese
      • Home Country:
      • Japan
      • Current Location:
      • Japan
    Join Date
    Nov 2010
    Posts
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    Post Thanks / Like

    Thumbs up Re: I really need help!!!!

    Dear Billmcd

    THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR SUGGESTIONS!!!!
    It was so helpful and I really appriciate it.
    You're an amazing teacher, even helping out others on the internet!

    Again, Thank you so much!!!!!

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