Notes from me are in blue
Content that I suggest you change is in red
Suggested corrections are green
I have crossed out a lot of text, not necessarily because it contained errors, but to help reduce the lenght of your letter.
Dear Sir or Madam,
I just returned from a year-long stay aboard and now want to completely focus on my career, thus I appreciate this opportunity to provide further information in support of my application for the International Business Management programme at *University*.
You can rewrite your first paragraph. Simply state what position or program you are applying for and how you learned of its existence.
While applying, I perfectly realize that the competition is tough.In my opinion you can leave out the first sentence. Use this paragraph to describe relevant details from your resume and other skills that you believe would make the reader more likely to choose you.
I feel, however, that I built up many abilities and strengths that make me eligible for your programme. During my travels I could devote myself fully to my interest in different cultures and languages.
and travelling, and even expand them.Due to my English knowledgeknowledge of English and organizational abilities I was offeredgiven (if you actually took the job) a job as supervisor in a New Zealand company. Here you should mention the company by name and list the skills that it taught you. Later I travelled to Argentina whereDuring my travels I also worked as customer support agent and was againpromoted to be the co-team leader of a group of agents a short time later. To some extent I had free spacewas free to explore my intuitively experienced ideal of organization. This sounds a little unclear, maybe you can word it differently To organize and facilitate, to improve workflows and to embrace teamwork, to create a positive work atmosphere were some of the given tasks.As part of the job I was required to organize, facilitate, improve workflows and embrace teamwork. The implementationThis taught me valuable basic management lessons inunder foreign labour conditions. Prior to my journey I worked for almost two years in all kinds of filmmaking departmentseither be more specific or avoid using "all kinds of." In stead you could say that you worked with many different aspects of filmmaking which built up and required a great deal ofallowed me to improve my organizational skills and learn about teamwork, liability, flexibility and creativity.
With my application I want to take one step further towards being a successful person in career and life.I believe that your program will be an important step on the path to becoming a successful person in my career as well as my life. Not only the possibility to study abroad, create international networks with foreign students, diversify knowledge about foreign markets and continuously consolidate my language and learning skills at partner universities, attracted my interestThe possibility of studying abroad and develop an international network attracted my interest. Your program would also give me the opportunity to learn about foreign markets while I continue to improve my language skills. but also the motivating and supportive study environment I read and heard about from a friend who is studying IBU at *University*. He stated his satisfaction with the *City* campus and *foreign University*, both highly prestigious universities. Move the content of this sentence to the beginning of your third paragraph. You could simply say that you have heard of the program's supportive study environment and tie that to the part where you say that the program would be a step on your path to success.
I want to take the opportunity to study at *University* right now to use all energy and capabilities I accumulated before and during my journey andEither leave this part out or move it to the third paragraph. The fourth paragraph should only be about the possibility of the reader following up on the application. I look forward to hearing from you.
Good luck! It sounds like you have had some interesting travels, that you should be a great advantage for you.
- For Teachers