Results 1 to 6 of 6
  1. #1
    Bassim is offline Senior Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • Serbo-Croatian
      • Home Country:
      • Bosnia Herzegovina
      • Current Location:
      • Sweden
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Posts
    737
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Please, would you proofread my short story

    This is the tenth part of my short story "A Flat", please would you proofread it.

    A few days passed and Ivan was feeling that he was never going to come out of this place alive. He had lost weight, felt exhausted and winced every time he heard the clacking of the boots in the corridor. He tried to count the days since he had been incarcerated, but his mind was foggy and he was unable to think coherently.

    Through the rectangle of the window he could follow the repeated cycles of light and darkness, but their difference became insignificant in his dazed mind. Even if he survived, this solitary confinement and lack of proper food and sleep was certainly going to transform him into a madman who would spend the rest of his days locked up in some mental hospital, wallowing in his own excrement and not recognizing his own family.
    One night he awake by the resounding of the boots in the corridor. As he heard the key turning in the lock of his cell, his blood ran cold. Two guards entered, ordering him to follow them outside.

    Usually they would never take him to interrogation in the middle of the night and as he walked down the corridor, he had a premonition of torture. When he entered the interrogation room and saw not only the man who interrogated him the very first time, but also two burly men sitting in the chairs and playing with their batons, he was seized by panic. This was my Doomsday, he thought, glancing at the strong arms of the two men and black batons which were soon going to turn his body into a black and blue mass.

    The interrogator did not order him to sit down. Instead, he was brandishing a sheaf of papers, grinned and said, “Comrade Ivan, here is your salvation! Just sign under this document and you’ll never come to this room again.”
    “What is the document about,” asked Ivan.
    “It is your confession,” said the interrogator, the smile disappearing from his face.
    “But I have nothing to confess,” Ivan said.
    “In this place everyone has something to confess,” the interrogator said. “Actually, you’ve deserved to be beaten properly, but I’ve just become a father for the third time and therefore I’m kind to you tonight. So take the opportunity before I change my mind.”

    Ivan was standing motionless, not knowing how to react. If he signed the confession, he would end up in prison for years and if not, he might be so severely beaten that he became an invalid, cursing the day when he took the photographs. He expected the guards to attack him any moment, but they seemed not interested in him at all.

    They smoked cigarettes and started chatting about their plans for the coming weekend. The interrogator leaned back in the chair, puffing his cigarette and reading a sports newspaper. A few hours past and nothing happened. Only Ivan felt his legs were becoming heavier. Then the interrogator and the guards were replaced by another shift, which seemed to ignore Ivan completely. More hours past and his legs and feet felt very swollen and heavy, causing him an intense pain which spread through his whole body.
    His eyes were staring at the empty chair before him and that simple object became an obsession. He tried to imagine pictures of his wife and his children, but they came up in his mind and disappeared almost in the same moment, and instead, this wooden chair returned, and he yearned to sit down just for a few seconds and rest his legs. When he closed his eyes, the interrogator shouted immediately, “Open your eyes! Don’t look down! Don’t sleep!” And Ivan looked up again trying to stay awake, although exhaustion drained him of his strength. A voice inside him screamed, “Give up, sign and you’ll be free!” Another voice told him, “Don’t sign anything! You are innocent!” He must have been standing the whole night and the following day and night, and only God knows how many hours. Every part of his body felt like an open wound.

    They did not allow him to go to the lavatory and he felt ashamed when he saw the stream of his own urine moistening his trousers and trickling down on the concrete floor. The interrogator and the guards laughed at him and the interrogator said, “If you shit yourself you are going to eat up everything!” He collapsed few times, but every time the guards lifted him up and ordered him to stand again. And then suddenly he screamed, “I can’t stand it any more! Give me a pen!” Someone shoved a pen in his hand and he signed his name and fell down on the floor.
    He had lain on the mattress for three days before he managed to make first steps. His legs and feet were so hideously swollen that he believed they were going to be amputated. He pleaded the guards to let him see the doctor, but they ignored him and they put his meals close to the door so that he had to crawl to reach them.

    Now he had the time to think about the torture that they had put him through. He had underestimated their intelligence. He believed they were former farmers who only knew how to use brute force, but they have defeated him without hitting him one single time. He wondered who had invented this refined torture, the Great Leader, some of his henchmen or comrade Janko who probably in this moment was sitting at the table in his dining room and enjoying delicious food and exclusive wines.
    TO BE CONTINUED

  2. #2
    Richard1 is offline Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Other
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • England
      • Current Location:
      • England
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Posts
    203
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: Please, would you proofread my short story

    A few days passed and Ivan was feeling that he was never going to come out of this place alive. He had lost weight, felt exhausted and winced every time he heard the clacking of the boots in the corridor. He tried to count the days since he had been incarcerated, but his mind was foggy and he was unable to think coherently.

    Through the rectangle of the window he could follow the repeated cycles of light and darkness, but their difference became insignificant in his dazed mind. Even if he survived, this solitary confinement and lack of proper food and sleep was certainly going to transform him into a madman who would spend the rest of his days locked up in some mental hospital, wallowing in his own excrement and not recognizing his own family.
    One night he awoke awake by to the resounding of the boots in the corridor. As he heard the key turning in the lock of his cell, his blood ran cold. Two guards entered, ordering him to follow them outside.

    Usually they would never take him to interrogation in the middle of the night and as he walked down the corridor, he had a premonition of torture. When he entered the interrogation room and saw not only the man who interrogated him the very first time, but also two burly men sitting in the chairs and playing with their batons, he was seized by panic. This was my Doomsday, he thought, glancing at the strong arms of the two men and black batons which were soon going to turn his body into a black and blue mass.

    The interrogator did not order him to sit down. Instead, he was brandishing brandished a sheaf of papers, grinned and said, “Comrade Ivan, here is your salvation! Just sign under this document and you’ll never come to this room again.”
    “What is the document about,” asked Ivan.
    “It is your confession,” said the interrogator, the smile disappearing from his face.
    “But I have nothing to confess,” Ivan said.
    “In this place everyone has something to confess,” the interrogator said. “Actually, you’ve deserved to be beaten properly, but I’ve just become a father for the third time and therefore I’m kind to you tonight. So take the opportunity before I change my mind.”

    Ivan was standing motionless, not knowing how to react. If he signed the confession, he would end up in prison for years and if not, he might be so severely beaten that he would become became an invalid, cursing the day when he took the photographs. He expected the guards to attack him at any moment, but they didn't seemed not interested in him at all.

    They smoked cigarettes and started chatting about their plans for the coming weekend. The interrogator leaned back in the chair, puffing his cigarette and reading a sports newspaper. A few hours past and nothing happened. Only Ivan felt his legs were becoming heavier. Then the interrogator and the guards were replaced by another shift, which seemed to ignore Ivan completely. More hours pastpassed and his legs and feet felt very swollen and heavy, causing him an intense pain which spread through his whole body.
    His eyes were staring at the empty chair before him and that simple object became an obsession. He tried to imagine pictures of his wife and his children, but they came up in his mind and disappeared almost in the same moment, and instead, this wooden chair returned, and he yearned to sit down just for a few seconds and rest his legs. When he closed his eyes, the interrogator shouted immediately, “Open your eyes! Don’t look down! Don’t sleep!” And Ivan looked up again trying to stay awake, although exhaustion drained him of his strength. A voice inside him screamed, “Give up, sign and you’ll be free!” Another voice told him, “Don’t sign anything! You are innocent!” He must have been standing the whole night and the following day and night, and only God knows how many hours. Every part of his body felt like an open wound.

    They did not allow him to go to the lavatory and he felt ashamed when he saw the stream of his own urine moistening his trousers and trickling down on the concrete floor. The interrogator and the guards laughed at him and the interrogator said, “If you shit yourself you are going to eat up everything!” He collapsed few times, but every time the guards lifted him up and ordered him to stand again. And then suddenly he screamed, “I can’t stand it any more! Give me a pen!” Someone shoved a pen in his hand and he signed his name and fell down on the floor.
    He had lain on the mattress for three days before he managed to make take his first steps. His legs and feet were so hideously swollen that he believed they were going to be amputated. He pleaded with the guards to let him see the doctor, but they ignored him and they put his meals close to the door so that he had to crawl to reach them.

    Now he had the time to think about the torture that they had put him through. He had underestimated their intelligence. He believed they were former farmers who only knew how to use brute force, but they have had defeated him without hitting him one a single time. He wondered who had invented this refined torture, the Great Leader, some of his henchmen or comrade Janko who was probably in at this moment was sitting at the table in his dining room and enjoying delicious food and exclusive wines.
    TO BE CONTINUED

  3. #3
    Bassim is offline Senior Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • Serbo-Croatian
      • Home Country:
      • Bosnia Herzegovina
      • Current Location:
      • Sweden
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Posts
    737
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: Please, would you proofread my short story

    Dear Richard1,

    Thank you very much for your help and your time.

    Best wishes,

    B.

  4. #4
    MiaCulpa is offline Newbie
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Academic
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Posts
    32
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: Please, would you proofread my short story

    What a wonderful excerpt. Yes, the story needed editing, and Richard1 seems to have done well with helping you revise this. I am struck most by the literary merits of your story, though. Have you been writing long?

  5. #5
    Bassim is offline Senior Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • Serbo-Croatian
      • Home Country:
      • Bosnia Herzegovina
      • Current Location:
      • Sweden
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Posts
    737
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: Please, would you proofread my short story

    Dear MiaCulpa,

    Thank you very much for your compliments. I have been writing for years, although I still have not published anything. I have written poems and short stories which I hope I am going to publish one day. Actually, last year I have written a novel in English which has been proofread by a professional translator, but I do not know if I would ever succeed in publishing it. I am trying to get it publish it the UK, but it is so difficult if you are unknown and nowadays everything goes through the literary agents, who are overwhelmed with hundreds of novels every year. But I am a fighter and I am going to continue to write as long as I can.

    The most important for me is that my English become better, so that I can use it more freely. As you can see, I still make grammatical mistakes and sometimes I am not sure if I have used the right word or the right tense. I have always like to play with the words and want that my short story have a message which would stay in people's minds.

  6. #6
    MiaCulpa is offline Newbie
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Academic
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Posts
    32
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: Please, would you proofread my short story

    Quote Originally Posted by Bassim View Post
    Dear MiaCulpa,

    Thank you very much for your compliments. I have been writing for years, although I still have not published anything. I have written poems and short stories which I hope I am going to publish one day. Actually, last year I have written a novel in English which has been proofread by a professional translator, but I do not know if I would ever succeed in publishing it. I am trying to get it publish it the UK, but it is so difficult if you are unknown and nowadays everything goes through the literary agents, who are overwhelmed with hundreds of novels every year. But I am a fighter and I am going to continue to write as long as I can.

    The most important for me is that my English become better, so that I can use it more freely. As you can see, I still make grammatical mistakes and sometimes I am not sure if I have used the right word or the right tense. I have always like to play with the words and want that my short story have a message which would stay in people's minds.

    You seem to be close to using English fluently but are not quite there yet, which makes becoming published in English very difficult. This may be heresy on this site, but if you don't mind a suggestion, you could try writing in first person, making your point-of-view character speak the same language you do, so that the English-as-a-foreign-language flavor in your writing has a purpose. You would still need to have the manuscript edited for clarity until you learned to be completely fluent. Meanwhile, though, the mechanics of writing would become subordinate to the elements of fiction in your writing, and the odds of publishing might be tipped more in your favor. Assuming, of course, that you can dazzle publishers with your command of characterization, plot, voice, etc. (BTW, the best book I've found for improving plot and the dramatic arc of fiction is Syd Field's Screenplay). All the best!
    Last edited by MiaCulpa; 21-Jan-2011 at 05:38.

Similar Threads

  1. Please, would you proofread my short story
    By Bassim in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 08-Jan-2011, 22:49
  2. Please, would you proofread my short story
    By Bassim in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 21-Dec-2010, 07:44
  3. Please, would you proofread my short story
    By Bassim in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 21-Dec-2010, 03:00
  4. Please, would you proofread my short story
    By Bassim in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 20-Dec-2010, 12:54
  5. Please, would you proofread my short story
    By Bassim in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 18-Dec-2010, 21:27

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •