View Poll Results: whats do i need improving on ?

Voters
2. This poll is closed
  • spelling ?

    0 0%
  • grammar ?

    2 100.00%
Results 1 to 2 of 2
  1. #1
    jaytee is offline Newbie
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • American English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Posts
    1
    Post Thanks / Like

    Smile can someone help me edit ?

    Choosing just one favorite person really isn't easy to do. Hands down Javaun James would have to be my favorite person. Most people would say there mom , dad or close relative but to me its my best friend. Javaun is not just my favorite person because hes my best friend. It's the way we connect and inspire each other. Not every day you find someone who inspires you to do positive activities.

    He's a leader not a follower. That's exactly why we're close.If he knows somethings not right , he'll tell me so i won't get hurt or in trouble. I can't really explain how awful life would be if I never met him. There's no one in the world that i feel more comfortable with plus I feel that I can trust him with anything.

    Truth be told I've considered Javaun as my favorite person for a long time now. I mean he's been there for me when i could
    hardly keep me head up. He has given me so much support in becoming who and what I am today. Our interest are so similar and he always seems to know exactly how I'm feeling. I have much respect for him just because he has been there for me.

    Javaun inspires me to do my best and I inspire him to do his.To be honest if it wasn't for him i don't think I could get through my tough days. I'm pretty sure this kid and I will stick together through thick and thin no matter what. Now don't get me wrong we have our down days when we argue and don't want to look at each other. I can still tell he cares and worries about me.

    Trust is key to our friendship. It's the reason why were still friends because I can trust him with anything. I know he wouldn't
    lie to me or hold anything back. Nothing can separate us no matter how rough things are we always seem to work it out. So there it is Javaun James is my inspiration thats why I'd pick him as my favorite person.

  2. #2
    JMurray is offline Key Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Interested in Language
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • New Zealand
      • Current Location:
      • Australia
    Join Date
    Nov 2010
    Posts
    1,790
    Post Thanks / Like

    Re: can someone help me edit ?

    Hi jaytee. The main problem with your text is that it's made up of too many short sentences. I have tried to join some of these with "and" or "but" and the use of commas to make some longer sentences. I think you can see that it reads better without so many stops and starts. You should also remember that when referring to yourself it is always a capital "I", never "i". I hope this helps. My changes are in red.

    Choosing just one favorite person really isn't easy to do. Hands down, Javaun James would have to be my favorite person. Most people would say their mom, dad or a close relative, but to me it's Javaun who is my best friend. He is not just my favorite person because he's my best friend, it's also the way we connect and inspire each other. It's not every day you find someone who inspires you to do positive activities.

    Javaun is a leader not a follower and that's exactly why we're close. If he knows something's not right, he'll tell me so I won't get hurt or in trouble. I can't really explain how awful life would be if I had never met him. There's no one in the world that I feel more comfortable with and I know that I can trust him with anything.

    Truth be told, I've considered Javaun as my favorite person for a long time now. I mean, he's been there for me when I could hardly keep my head up and he has given me so much support in becoming who and what I am today. Our interests are so similar and he always seems to know exactly how I'm feeling. I have so much respect for him just because he has been there for me.

    Javaun inspires me to do my best and I inspire him to do his. To be honest, if it wasn't for him I don't think I could get through my tough days. I'm pretty sure this kid and I will stick together through thick and thin no matter what. Now don't get me wrong, we have our down days when we argue and don't want to look at each other, but I can still tell he cares and worries about me.

    Trust is the key to our friendship and it's the reason why we're still friends. I can trust him with anything and I know he wouldn't lie to me or hold anything back. Nothing can separate us, no matter how rough things are we always seem to work it out. So there it is, Javaun James is my inspiration, that's why I'd pick him as my favorite person.

Similar Threads

  1. Please Edit This For Me I Need Help
    By LilJonWsc in forum Letter Writing
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 21-Oct-2010, 04:46
  2. please edit it to me
    By ghodi9 in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 06-Jun-2007, 13:50
  3. Replies: 9
    Last Post: 29-Mar-2007, 03:46
  4. Edit my CV please
    By esophea in forum CVs, Resumes and Applications
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 23-Jan-2007, 13:10
  5. edit
    By bmo in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 25-Jun-2004, 19:05

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •