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  1. #1
    ladymentha is offline Newbie
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      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • Vietnamese
      • Home Country:
      • Vietnam
      • Current Location:
      • United States
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
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    Advices + Proofreading my Motivational Statement

    Hi,

    I am new to this forum. Although I am not an English learner, my grammar is not good as I want it to be. I would really appreciate it if anyone is willing to read my statement and provide advices for or proofread my statement. Thanks!

    We would like to understand more about you and your reasons for applying to AmeriCorps. Take a few minutes and consider those experiences that have made you the person you are today. Please share with us one of these experiences and how it sparked your interest in community service.

    Six months ago, I got off the bus in downtown Los Angeles nervous but ready to start my service year with City Year Los Angeles. As a recent college graduate, I wanted to dedicate a year of service to the community where I grew up. I joined City Year because I believe in the power of a good education and the opportunities it offers. As a corps member, I will be serving as a tutor, mentor and role model to students, running an afterschool program and hosting school-wide events.

    The transition from being a full-time college student to a full-time corps member was very tough in the beginning. There was so many people meet and an overwhelming amount of information to digest. One of the hardest things was adjusting to the early mornings and late nights. It would all be worth knowing that I would be making a difference in the life of the students I would be serving. After a month of training, it was finally time to meet the students I would be tutoring and mentoring for the next year.

    On the morning of September 13th, my team and I, the first team ever to serve at Malabar Street Elementary in Boyle Heights, Los Angeles, was there extra early getting ready to greet students on their first day of school. While helping my fellow teammates put up welcome posters, I could not stop expressing my excitement and nervousness in anticipation of meeting my partner teacher and the students I would be serving.

    The first month at Malabar Elementary was the uphill battle. The feelings of uncertainty and confusion followed me for weeks. Meeting my students for the first time was a nerve-wracking experience. It took many weeks before my students warmed up to me. The last four and half months were a learning process for me to acclimate to the classroom environment. I now finally feel like I have found my rhythm.

    Through the months that followed, my students and I have grown very close to each other. Their eager smiles and happy faces are what help me wake up every morning. I can always count on their enthusiastic attitudes and willingness to learn new things to help me through my off-days. My dearest wish is that my actions and time have made a positive impact in their life and future.

    Their smiles and laughter are why I serve and will continue to serve.

  2. #2
    JMurray is offline Key Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Interested in Language
      • Native Language:
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      • Home Country:
      • New Zealand
      • Current Location:
      • Australia
    Join Date
    Nov 2010
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    Re: Advices + Proofreading my Motivational Statement

    Hi ladymentha. This is a nice piece of writing and it doesn't have too many problems. In fact some of the small changes I've made, especially where I have removed a comma here and there, might well have been left as they were. But my tendency is to try and improve the flow of the text. I hope this helps you. My changes are in red.

    Six months ago I got off the bus in downtown Los Angeles, nervous but ready to start my service year with City Year Los Angeles. As a recent college graduate I wanted to dedicate a year of service to the community where I grew up. I joined City Year because I believe in the power of a good education and the opportunities it offers. As a corps member I will be serving as a tutor, mentor and role model to students, running an afterschool program and hosting school-wide events.

    The transition from being a full-time college student to a full-time corps member was very tough in the beginning. There were so many people to meet and an overwhelming amount of information to digest. One of the hardest things was adjusting to the early mornings and late nights, but it was all worthwhile knowing that I would be making a difference in the lives of the students I would be serving. After a month of training, it was finally time to meet the students I would be tutoring and mentoring for the next year.

    On the morning of September 13th my team and I, the first team ever to serve at Malabar Street Elementary in Boyle Heights, was there extra early, getting ready to greet students on their first day of school. While helping my fellow teammates put up welcome posters I could not stop expressing my excitement and nervousness in anticipation of meeting my partner teacher and the students I would be serving.

    The first month at Malabar Elementary was an uphill battle. The feelings of uncertainty and confusion followed me for weeks. Meeting my students for the first time was a nerve-wracking experience and it took many weeks before my students warmed to me. The last four and half months have been a learning process for me to acclimate to the classroom environment, but I now finally feel like I have found my rhythm.

    Through the months that followed, my students and I have grown very close to each other. Their eager smiles and happy faces are what help me wake up every morning. I can always count on their enthusiastic attitude and willingness to learn new things to help me through my off-days. My dearest wish is that my actions and time have made a positive impact on their lives and futures.

    Their smiles and laughter are why I serve and will continue to serve.

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