Results 1 to 2 of 2
  1. #1
    bspkumar is offline Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • Telugu
      • Home Country:
      • India
      • Current Location:
      • India
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Posts
    101
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default proofread MBA admsn essay:Suppose you had to choose two people to travel with you on

    Hi All, I am posting one of my draft essays for MBA admission. Please check for the errors and let me know the modifications required. I have only 15 hours left to submit it online. Thank you.

    Suppose you had to choose two people to travel with you on a cross-country trip. Who would you choose and why? What would you hope to learn from them? The people could be alive now, from another era or fictitious characters. (300 words)


    The first person I would choose to travel with is M.K. Gandhi. First, I would like to brief you about the “Salt March” led by Gandhi against the British salt tax which played a major role in uniting the people of different religions, castes, and regions to fight for independence. Here the Gandhi’s choice of salt tax to fight against the British is very important. Explaining his choice, Gandhi said, “Next to air and water, salt is perhaps the greatest necessity of life.” He also explained that it would build unity between Hindus and Muslims by fighting for a common issue. Yes, he is correct. India being a tropical country, sweating necessitates greater intake of salt. An item of daily use could resonate all classes of citizens.

    We can understand his leadership and strategic skills and his knowledge of human psychology and public relation skills from his activities in the independence movement. Now key business thinkers are preaching how corporate India needs to revisit Gandhi's ideas and apply the lessons learnt from him to their leadership styles. I will learn the above mentioned skills from Gandhi.

    Secondly, I would choose Jared Mason Diamond, an American scientist and author whose work draws from a variety of fields. He is famous for his books "Guns, Germs, and Steel" and "Collapse: How Societies Choose to Fail or succeed". In the first book, he explains how the cultural and genetic differences created by the influence of the geography favored the Eurasians civilizations and helped them to survive and to conquer others. In the later he explains how environmental factors, cultural and political factors influence the collapse of the society and he also suggest the remedies for the same. I will learn how science can be effectively used to understand and resolve complex Socio-Economic issues.

  2. #2
    JMurray is offline Key Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Interested in Language
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • New Zealand
      • Current Location:
      • Australia
    Join Date
    Nov 2010
    Posts
    1,648
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: proofread MBA admsn essay:Suppose you had to choose two people to travel with you

    Hi bspkumar. Not too many problems. My change to the second sentence about the Salt March is worth explaining a little. As you have written it ("... the British salt tax which played a major role ...") there is a suggestion that the "tax" has played the role, when you really mean the "march" has played the role. It is almost immediately clear what you intend to say but I think you can see that this sort of construction could be very ambiguous in some contexts. By breaking the sentence into two it clarifies the point.
    Also, because this is all conditional on Ghandi and Diamond traveling with you, it must be "I would learn", not "I will learn", in both instances.

    The first person I would choose to travel with is M.K. Gandhi. First, I would like to brief you about the “Salt March” led by Gandhi against the British salt tax. This march played a major role in uniting the people of different religions, castes, and regions to fight for independence. Here, Gandhi’s choice of the salt tax to fight against the British was very important. Explaining his choice, Gandhi said, “Next to air and water, salt is perhaps the greatest necessity of life.” He also explained that it would build unity between Hindus and Muslims by fighting for a common issue. Yes, he was correct, India is a tropical country and sweating necessitates a greater intake of salt. Such an item of daily use could resonate with all classes of citizens.

    We can understand his leadership and strategic skills and his knowledge of human psychology and public relations from his activities in the independence movement. Now, key business thinkers are preaching how corporate India needs to revisit Gandhi's ideas and apply the lessons learnt from him to their leadership styles. I would learn the above mentioned skills from Gandhi.

    Secondly, I would choose Jared Mason Diamond, an American scientist and author whose work draws from a variety of fields. He is famous for his books "Guns, Germs, and Steel" and "Collapse: How Societies Choose to Fail or succeed". In the first book, he explains how the cultural and genetic differences created by the influence of geography favored the Eurasians civilizations and helped them to survive and to conquer others. In the later work he explains how environmental, cultural and political factors influence the collapse of the society and he also suggests remedies for the same. I would learn how science can be effectively used to understand and resolve complex Socio-Economic issues.

Similar Threads

  1. Replies: 1
    Last Post: 26-Jan-2011, 09:20
  2. Replies: 2
    Last Post: 26-Jan-2011, 07:56
  3. [Essay] Help! Could anyone review my MBA essay
    By michael_shi0331 in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 25-Nov-2009, 16:55
  4. Is it correct to use choose verb for people?
    By dervast in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: 03-Aug-2009, 15:25

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •