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  1. #1
    aces67 is offline Newbie
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    Would someone mind critiquing my essay please?

    Is a descriptive expository on a movie character. I know I need to lengthen the first paragraph but I'm not sure how yet.

    The female character of Rose Shelton in the 1988 American comedy movie Big Business portrays an exceptionally unique and relaxed main character. She appears unfocused and carefree. She enjoys indulging in rich, decadent treats and tends to lead an easy-going lifestyle. These characteristics are shown throughout the film and they make her role in the film extraordinarily lighthearted.
    Rose has an incredibly scatterbrained, unfocused way about her. She always gets off topic and shows more interest in her personal life and goals than she does for her career. She shows up for an important board meeting a complete mess. She stopped by the park on her way to work and found a stray dog that she just had to have. The dog jumped all over her leaving dirt behind. When she finally arrives at work she still has the dog with her and her clothes are a complete mess then she breaks down and cries because her boyfriend has just broken up with her. She just cannot get it together for the big board meeting but you can also tell that the meeting is not a real priority to her anyway.
    She loves to indulge in rich treats whenever she can. Savoring a rich treat acts as the highlight of her day. She would prefer to sit in her room and eat a tray of éclairs than to go to work. At board meetings she grabs and devours the muffins that are set out for refreshments with no concern for the mess it may leave behind. Despite eating all these decadent confections she never gains a pound and boasts a tall, thin, model-like figure that has always been the envy of her chubby sister.
    She carries a relaxed, easy-going attitude. She does not care about the latest spa treatments or fashion trends. She also does not care much for the big city life. She dreams longingly of living in the country and raising a family and a few animals instead of being a busy fast paced career woman. In fact wanting a simpler, slower, country life style caused the before mentioned split up with her longtime, big city, doctor boyfriend.
    Rose’s character is perfect for a comedy movie. The traits of her character make her extremely unique and fun. She has a care free attitude with no sense of timelines or priorities. She enjoys her daily treats and she is very easy going. No fancy spa treatments or fashion trends for her. She is perfectly happy with the simple life that country living would bring rather than the fast paced life that living in the big city would bring.

    Thanks to anyone willing to read it:)

  2. #2
    birdeen's call is offline VIP Member
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    Re: Would someone mind critiquing my essay please?

    A couple of remarks:

    1) When you're unque, you're just this--unique. You're not "a little unique" or "very unique". You graded uniqueness twice in the text. Try to reword those sentences.

    2) I can't see any decadence in a muffin.

    3) You have made a couple of unnecessary repetitions. Try to find them and reword.

    I'm sure someone is going to give you more help on this. I liked your essay and I think I'm going to watch the movie.

  3. #3
    aces67 is offline Newbie
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    Re: Would someone mind critiquing my essay please?

    A friend critiqued and I then came up with this:

    The female character, Rose Shelton, in the 1988 American comedy movie Big Business leads a very relaxed lifestyle as shown in her indulgences in food, carefree style and yearning for a different type of life.
    She loves to indulge in rich treats whenever she can. Savoring a rich treat acts as the highlight of her day and she would prefer to sit in her room and eat a tray of éclairs than to go to work. At board meetings she grabs and devours the muffins that are set out for refreshments with no concern for the mess it may leave behind. Despite eating all these decadent confections she never gains a pound and boasts a tall, thin, model-like figure that has always been the envy of her chubby sister.
    Rose has an incredibly scatterbrained, unfocused, and carefree way about her. She always gets off topic and shows more interest in her personal life and goals than she does for her career. She arrives at an important board meeting a complete mess all because she stopped by the park on her way to work and found a stray dog that she just had to have. The dog jumped all over her leaving a big mess of mud all over her light colored skirt. When she finally arrives at work she still has the dog with her and her clothes are a complete mess then she breaks down and cries because her boyfriend has just broken up with her. She just cannot get it together for the big board meeting but you can also tell that the meeting is not a real priority to her anyway.
    She carries a relaxed and easy-going attitude and she has no interest in the latest spa treatments or fashion trends. She also does not care much for the big city life, she dreams longingly of living in the country and raising a family and a few animals instead of being a busy fast paced career woman. In fact wanting a simpler, slower, country life style caused the before mentioned split up with her longtime, big city, doctor boyfriend.
    Rose’s character is perfect for a comedy movie and her character traits make her extremely unique and fun. She has a care free attitude with no sense of timelines or priorities. She enjoys her daily treats and she is very easy going. No fancy spa treatments or fashion trends for her. She is perfectly happy with the simple life that country living would bring rather than the fast paced life that living in the big city would bring.
    It does sound better to me but I'm still left with a short intro paragraph.

  4. #4
    aces67 is offline Newbie
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    Re: Would someone mind critiquing my essay please?

    Here's my latest revision:

    Rose Shelton Big Business
    The female character, Rose Shelton, in the 1988 American comedy movie Big Business portrays a unique and relaxed main character. Rose leads a very relaxed lifestyle as shown in her indulgences in food, carefree style, and yearning for a different life. She never misses a chance to indulge in a rich, decadent treat. Her unfocused, scatterbrained ways always make her run late to meetings and her relaxed, simple ways cause her to feel out of place in a big city like New York.
    She loves to indulge in rich treats whenever she can. Savoring a rich treat appears to be the highlight of her day and she would prefer to sit in her room and eat a tray of éclairs than to go to work. At board meetings, she grabs and devours the muffins that are set out for refreshments with no concern for the mess it may leave behind. She cannot wait to have dessert or morning pancakes and she is always looking for anything sweet. Despite eating all these decadent confections, she never gains a pound and boasts a tall, thin, model-like figure that has always been the envy of her chubby sister.
    Rose has an incredibly scatterbrained, unfocused, and carefree way about her. She always gets off topic and shows more interest in her personal life and goals than she does for her career. For example, she arrives at an important board meeting a complete mess. On the way to the meeting, she stopped by the park and found a stray dog that she decided to keep. The dog jumped all over her leaving a big mess of mud all over her light colored skirt. When she finally arrives at work she still has the dog with her and her clothes are a complete mess. She then breaks down and cries because her boyfriend has just broken up with her, instead of focusing on the meeting. These behaviors demonstrate that the meeting is not a real priority for her.
    She has a relaxed, simple way about her. She dreams longingly of living in the country and raising a family and a few animals instead of being a busy, fast-paced executive. All her life she felt like she was always out of place and did not belong in New York. She hates shopping and has no interest in the latest fashion trends or spa treatments. In fact, her desire for a simpler, slower, country life style is what caused the split up with her longtime, big city, doctor boyfriend.
    Rose’s character is perfect for a comedy movie and her character traits make her unique and fun. She enjoys her daily treats and never passes up a dessert. She has a carefree attitude with no sense of timelines or priorities. She is also perfectly happy with the simple life that country living would bring rather than the fast-paced life that living in a big city would bring.
    What can I do to lengthen this a bit but still stay on topic?
    Last edited by aces67; 07-Feb-2011 at 00:47.

  5. #5
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    Raymott is offline VIP Member
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    Re: Would someone mind critiquing my essay please?

    Quote Originally Posted by aces67 View Post
    Here's my latest revision:

    Rose Shelton Big Business
    The female character, Rose Shelton, in the 1988 American comedy movie Big Business portrays a unique and relaxed main character.
    Characters don't portray characters, unless Rose plays an actress in the film.

    Rose leads a very relaxed lifestyle as shown in her indulgences in food, carefree style, and yearning for a different life.
    How does yearning for a different life indicate a very relaxed lifestyle? I would have thought the opposite.

    She never misses a chance to indulge in a rich, decadent treat. Her unfocused, scatterbrained ways always make her run late to meetings and her relaxed [too many 'relaxed's; do you have a thesaurus?], simple ways cause her to feel out of place in a big city like New York.
    She loves to indulge in rich treats whenever she can.
    You've just said that.
    Savoring a rich treat appears to be the highlight of her day and she would prefer to sit in her room and eat a tray of éclairs than to go to work. At board meetings, she grabs and devours the muffins that are set out for refreshments with no concern for the mess it may leave behind. She cannot wait to have dessert or morning pancakes and she is always looking for anything sweet. Despite eating all these decadent confections, she never gains a pound and boasts a tall, thin, model-like figure that has always been the envy of her chubby sister.
    Rose has an incredibly scatterbrained, unfocused, and carefree way about her. She always gets off topic and shows more interest in her personal life and goals than she does for her career. For example, she arrives at an important board meeting a complete mess. On the way to the meeting, she stopped by the park and found a stray dog that she decided to keep. The dog jumped all over her leaving a big mess of mud all over her light colored skirt. When she finally arrives at work she still has the dog with her and her clothes are a complete mess. She then breaks down and cries because her boyfriend has just broken up with her, instead of focusing on the meeting.
    The change of tense is awkward.

    These behaviors demonstrate that the meeting is not a real priority for her.
    She has a relaxed, simple way about her.
    I think the reader will have guessed this by now.

    She dreams longingly of living in the country and raising a family and a few animals instead of being a busy, fast-paced executive. All her life she felt like she was always out of place and did not belong in New York. She hates shopping and has no interest in the latest fashion trends or spa treatments. In fact, her desire for a simpler, slower, country life style is what caused the split up with her longtime, big city, doctor boyfriend.
    Rose’s character is perfect for a comedy movie and her character traits make her unique and fun. She enjoys her daily treats and never passes up a dessert. She has a carefree attitude with no sense of timelines or priorities. She is also perfectly happy with the simple life that country living would bring rather than the fast-paced life that living in a big city would bring.
    What can I do to lengthen this a bit but still stay on topic?
    It's far too repetitive. You could delete about half of what you've written. It looks like you've exhausted your material in the first paragraph or two (the idea that Rose is a relaxed and carefree woman who likes to eat, and doesn't take her work seriously), and thereafter you simply give variations on that theme.
    The other main problem is that there's no progression in your essay. I would write a paragraph about her food habits, then one about her attitude towards work, a paragraph about her relationships (with the boyfriend, etc), one about her dream to live the country, etc.

    I haven't seen the film, so I can't tell you what else to write to lengthen it. Ideally you would add a bit more depth to the analysis.

  6. #6
    aces67 is offline Newbie
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    Re: Would someone mind critiquing my essay please?

    Well I pretty much did run out of things to say. In my opinion the movie is really too short to give much info about the characters. This is my final revision:

    The female character, Rose Shelton, in the 1988 American comedy movie Big Business portrays a unique and relaxed main character. Rose leads a very relaxed lifestyle as shown in her indulgences in food, carefree style, and yearning for a different life. She never misses a chance to indulge in a rich, decadent treat. Her unfocused, scatterbrained ways always make her run late to important meetings and her relaxed, simple ways cause her to feel out of place in a big city like New York. These characteristics are demonstrated throughout the film.
    Rose loves to indulge in rich, decadent treats whenever she can. Savoring a rich treat appears to be the highlight of her day and she would prefer to sit in her room and eat a tray of éclairs than to go to work. At board meetings, she grabs and devours the muffins that are set out for refreshments with no care or concern for the mess it may leave behind or what people may think of the way she is eating. She cannot wait to have dessert or her morning pancakes and she is always looking for something sweet. Despite eating all these delectable confections, she never gains a pound and boasts a tall, thin, model-like figure that has always been the envy of her chubby sister.
    Rose has an incredibly scatterbrained, unfocused, and carefree way about her. She always gets off topic and shows more interest in her personal life and goals than she does for her career. For example, when she arrives at an important board meeting she is a complete wreck. On the way to the meeting, she stops by the park and finds a stray dog that she decides to keep. The dog jumps all over her leaving a big mess of mud all over her light colored skirt. When she finally arrives at work she still has the dog with her and her clothes are a complete mess. She cannot even make it to the boardroom because she cannot get the dog out of the elevator. She then breaks down and cries because her boyfriend has just broken up with her, instead of focusing on the meeting. These behaviors demonstrate that the meeting is not a real priority for her.
    Rose has a relaxed, simple, easygoing way about her. She dreams longingly of living a slow-paced country life and raising a family and a few farm animals instead of being a busy, fast-paced executive. All her life she felt like she was out of place and did not belong in New York. She hates shopping and has no interest in the latest fashion trends or spa treatments. In fact, her desire for a simpler, slower, country life style is what caused the split up with her longtime, big city, doctor boyfriend.
    Rose’s character is perfect for a comedy movie. Her character traits make her unique and fun. She enjoys her daily treats and never passes up a dessert. She has a carefree attitude with no sense of time lines or priorities. She is also perfectly happy with the simple life that country living and farming would bring rather than the fast-paced life that living in a big city would bring. Overall, she has the role of a laid-back, low maintenance woman who longs for a big change in life. She longs to be happy and content.

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