Results 1 to 1 of 1
  1. #1
    Bassim is offline Senior Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • Serbo-Croatian
      • Home Country:
      • Bosnia Herzegovina
      • Current Location:
      • Sweden
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Posts
    774
    Post Thanks / Like

    Please, would you proofread my short story

    This is the third part of my short story "Women" , please would you proofread it.

    In Leif's workplace in a large store, which sold building material, tools, toilet and electric fittings and garden furniture, he felt satisfied that the majority of his workmates were men. Those few female shop assistants were overweight and plain and he could be with them without feeling any tension.
    The real problems started when the young trainees came. Almost as a rule, those of them who were female, usually wore tight trousers and close fitting dresses. That was a hard time for Leif. His desire grew enormously and his penis became hard like a stone. It was almost impossible to concentrate on the work when one was surrounded with those young, firm bottoms and attractive, healthy bodies which offered themselves to men's hungry eyes.
    If a girl bent herself to pick up something from the floor and Leif's eyes caught her movement, his immediate thought was to throw himself over her like an animal, hold her firmly and spout his warm liquid inside her.

    However, in reality he was too timid to talk to them. If one of these women asked him a simple question about goods in the shelves and how they should be arranged, Leif blushed, stammered and his manliness vanished as if wiped out by a cloth. Some of them looked like living dolls and he would melt like a wax whenever he found himself in front of their beautiful eyes.

    Leif was sure that his colleagues joked about him when he was absent. They must have noticed that something was wrong with him. His timidity and awkwardness in the company of young women could not have passed unnoticed, although at least on the outside everyone was correct to him. As a worker he was respected, because he was accurate, polite, silent and never complained.

    Then he met Anna. He saw her for the first time at the bus stop. There was nothing special with her looks - brunette with blond streaks wearing jeans and a black windbreaker. She was over thirty, but her face was still free from wrinkles. She was definitely not Leif's type and he turned his eyes to a young girl who stood close to him and whose delicate perfume wafted towards him, making his head spin. She was wearing black tight-fitting leather trousers and Leif felt a sudden urge to squeeze her bottom.

    He saw Anna on many occasions, but they never talked to each other. Her plainness made her invisible in Leif's eyes and he was unaware that her eyes sparkled whenever she looked at him.
    But one morning the bus was late and after a while that awkward situation occurred, when two strangers stand close to each other waiting for the bus which did not come.

    "It is the third time that the bus is late this week," she said, "and they want to encourage people to use more public transport."
    Leif also said something in the same way only to lighten the atmosphere. Then the bus finally arrived and he went on board without thinking about her. However, the next time they saw each other they exchanged greetings and Leif noticed something in her eyes which he interpreted as yearning. Yet he was still searching for his ideal woman to attach any importance to that sign. As the time passed they talked more with each other and Leif had to admit to himself that although she was not beautiful, she was friendly, talkative and he felt relaxed in her company.
    TO BE CONTINUED
    Last edited by Bassim; 09-Feb-2011 at 14:11.

Similar Threads

  1. Please, would you proofread my short story
    By Bassim in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 30-Jan-2011, 23:24
  2. Please, would you proofread my short story
    By Bassim in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 02-Jan-2011, 23:40
  3. Please, would you proofread my short story
    By Bassim in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 02-Jan-2011, 09:27
  4. Please, would you proofread my short story
    By Bassim in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 30-Dec-2010, 02:00
  5. Please, would you proofread my short story
    By Bassim in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 27-Dec-2010, 07:21

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •