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  1. #1
    Bassim is offline Senior Member
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    Default Please, would you proofread my short story

    This is the sixth part of my short story "Women" , please, would you proofread it.

    Tonight Leif put on his best clothes: light-brown tweed suit, pink shirt, dark tie and dark-grey suede shoes. He stood before the large mirror in the hall of his flat looking at himself and heartening himself. He had stood before this mirror dozens of times, every time hoping that he would not return home alone, only to experience another disappointment.
    But he had decided to fight on, his urge strong and emboldened by his lovemaking with Anna. He had not reached 30 years of age and he was bursting with energy and plans for the future.

    He made a few steps back to see his whole figure and he thought that the suit fitted him perfectly, especially with his red short hair. He was tall and lanky and there must be hundreds of women who yearned for his "type" of a man. He needed just more patience and probably some luck and the days of great happiness were around the corner.
    He walked the streets of the city watching drunken men and women wobbling around and not understanding what was going on. It was still early in the evening and they must have been drinking for hours in their homes before arriving in the city centre.

    The same scene repeated every weekend, and usually silent and distant people would lose all inhibitions and started behaving uncivilized, screaming, vomiting and urinating on the pavement. At times some of these women would come up and cover Leif in kisses. He felt disgusted because their breath stank of alcohol and cigarettes and their bodies smelled of sweat or cheap perfumes. He would quickened his steps, wiping with a tissue their saliva from his face.

    On such evenings, his mind would flee into the future and he would see himself in the company of his girlfriend, a beauty with long hair and attractive body. She and Leif walking the street holding hands, drinking coffee in a cafes and kissing in the street under the envious eyes of passers-by. He promised himself never to be stingy with her.
    He was going to buy her whatever he wanted: expensive clothes, jewels, shoes, travels to faraway countries. In return, she would offer him his beautiful body which he was going to hug and kiss for hours, day and night.

    The nightclub was not overcrowded this evening, which Leif liked because he hated to jostle with other patrons of whom the majority were tipsy. It was in the middle of the month and people had already spent the largest part of their wages and could not afford more expenses. Leif went to the bar and sat on the bar-stool. He shook hands with Ivica, the middle-aged barman who was from Croatia. His hometown was Dubrovnik and he had told Leif stories about the beauty of the famous town and its female citizens and advised him to travel to his homeland where women were mad with tall strangers. These stories stirred Leif's imagination, but he knew that because of his shyness he would probably disgrace himself. Like an inexperienced swimmer he first had to learn to swim properly before having a go in the sea.
    TO BE CONTINUED

  2. #2
    Bassim is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: Please, would you proofread my short story

    Dear Gil,

    Thank you very much for your proofreading.

  3. #3
    RonBee's Avatar
    RonBee is offline Moderator
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    Default Re: Please, would you proofread my short story

    I would say crowded instead of overcrowded. Also, put a comma after swimmer in the phrase Like an inexperienced swimmer.


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