Results 1 to 1 of 1
  1. #1
    Bassim is offline Senior Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • Serbo-Croatian
      • Home Country:
      • Bosnia Herzegovina
      • Current Location:
      • Sweden
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Posts
    745
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Please, would you proofread my short story

    This is the seventh part of my short story "Women" , please, would you proofread it.

    Leif was sipping his second lager when a tipsy middle-aged man stepped beside him, pushing his stinking mouth into his face. Leif hated this kind of people, who unfortunately, one could not avoid in pubs or nightclubs on Friday and Saturday evenings. Everything was hanging on him: his eyelids, bags under his eyes, cheeks, rolls of fat on his chin, grey droopy moustache and his bulging stomach protruding from his blue shirt.
    Tonight he is the bravest man on Earth and on Monday morning he is going to be afraid of his own shadow, thought Leif.
    "Buy me beer, mate!" The man grinned at him and his blue eyes sparkled. Leif wanted to shout at him to go to hell, but he did not want to quarrel with someone who hardly understood what he was doing. When he begged Leif for the second and third time, and the latter told him that he had no money, the man's face contorted into a painful grimace and he started to shout and curse Leif for being stingy.
    Then he disappeared into the crowd.
    Leif glanced at Ivica who gave him a smile and a wink saying, "I'll give him some minutes to calm down and then I'll call bouncers to throw him out!" Ivica put the glass of lager before a woman in her thirties, sitting to the right of Leif, a few meters away. She thanked him, and just when she was prepared to take the glass and taste the brown, cold liquid, a hairy, claw-like hand squeezed her right breast.
    The poor woman screamed in horror, her piercing voice louder than the music blaring from the loudspeakers.

    Beside her Leif saw the same drunkard again, his right hand taking the glass and lifting it quickly towards his mouth. In the next moment, the whole contents of the glass vanished inside his mouth. Leif was so angry that he wanted more than anything to punch the man in the face. What a swine! he thought. He was really glad when he saw two burly bouncers pushing through the crowd and catching the man between themselves as if he was a bag of potatoes. "Don't touch me!" he shouted kicking his legs , but the bouncers were implacable and dragged him towards the exit.

    When the cause of the disturbance had been taken away, Leif turned his eyes to the dancing floor. He saw her and became speechless. She was dressed in a white close-fitting top and a white close-fitting short skirt. Her wavy long blond hair waved to the rhythm of the music, her lithe body swayed, making his heart palpitate. "What a beauty," he stammered, excited by the scene.
    There were at least a dozen people on the dancing floor, but his eyes saw only her. What wouldn't he give to have her beside him for at least one night? To peel off her clothes, stare at her naked body and then shower her with kisses from head to toe. The alcohol in his veins was feeding his brain and stimulated his imagination. The feeling of bliss was wrapping him in and making his organ hard again.
    Later, as the people began to leave, the music became softer and quieter. Three couples stayed on the dancing floor, holding firmly each other, whispering endearments and moving like in a dream, as defying gravitation.

    Leif felt pain again. He had never danced with a woman, he had never experienced that feeling when two bodies merge into one and move to the rhythm of music like in a trance, beyond time and space. Watching dancing couples, he believed that they could endure any hardship, pain, thirst heat, or cold. They were protected by their strong bond, which was him unfortunately still denied.
    TO BE CONTINUED
    Last edited by Bassim; 14-Feb-2011 at 21:20.

Similar Threads

  1. Please, would you proofread my short story
    By Bassim in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 10-Feb-2011, 18:38
  2. Please, would you proofread my short story
    By Bassim in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 09-Feb-2011, 16:43
  3. Please, would you proofread my short story
    By Bassim in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: 12-Jan-2011, 11:27
  4. Please, would you proofread my short story
    By Bassim in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 06-Jan-2011, 00:23
  5. Please, would you proofread my short story
    By Bassim in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 18-Dec-2010, 21:27

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •