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  1. Anonymous
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    #1

    writing a narration

    Will's Watch
    When Will was ten he spent his afterrnoons near his grandfather.He lived with his mother in a typical industrial town in Yorkshire.
    The relationship between Will and his grandfather was that Will enjoyed bing together.So his son read to his grandfather the paper and every time Will returned from school, he told grampa that he would go to Grammar School and finally to college.As his grandfather lisyened to him,he explained Will that he'll need plenty afore that day and hard work.
    As soon as Will's grandfather died,he inherit his watch.When Will started Grammar School,one of his classmates who knew that Will's owed the watch asked him to shwed it to the class and told him that he'll bring it to them later.At last Will took the watch out without having been allowed by his mother.
    On his way to school Will fell down of his bike and the watch broke.Only then,Will realized that patient was important in life.

  2. RonBee's Avatar
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    #2
    When Will was ten he spent his afterrnoons near his grandfather.He lived with his mother in a typical industrial town in Yorkshire.
    Do you want a critique?

    Can you be more specific than "near his grandfather"? (The second sentence is fine.)

    The relationship between Will and his grandfather was that Will enjoyed being together.
    That sentence starts okay, but it ends nonsensically. What was Will's relationship with his grandfather?

    So his son read to his grandfather the paper and every time Will returned from school, he told grampa that he would go to Grammar School and finally to college.
    That is a confusing sentence. Who does "his son" refer to? Who does "his" refer to in "his grandfather"? What is meant by "every time Will returned from school"? Where was he going to school if he wasn't going to grammar school?

    The phrase "read to his grandfather the paper" should be "read the paper to his grandfather". Also, "he told grampa" should be either he told his grampa or he told Grampa. The use of grampa there does, by the way, seem to me to be an odd inconsistency.

    As his grandfather lisyened to him,he explained Will that he'll need plenty afore that day and hard work.
    That sentence has the man listening and talking at the same time. Also, it should be he explained to Will that he'd need, etc. I don't understand what you mean by afore that day.

    As soon as Will's grandfather died,he inherit his watch.
    Who inherited what from whom when?

    When Will started Grammar School,one of his classmates who knew that Will's owed the watch asked him to shwed it to the class and told him that he'll bring it to them later.
    Start over.

    (Say: "He asked him to show it to the class.")

    At last Will took the watch out without having been allowed by his mother.
    Did he take the watch with him without permission?

    On his way to school Will fell down of his bike and the watch broke.
    Say that he fell off his bike. Also, you need more context for that.

    Only then,Will realized that patient was important in life.
    How did he learn the lesson that it is important to be patient? I don't understand.

    :?

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