Do you want a critique?When Will was ten he spent his afterrnoons near his grandfather.He lived with his mother in a typical industrial town in Yorkshire.
Can you be more specific than "near his grandfather"? (The second sentence is fine.)
That sentence starts okay, but it ends nonsensically. What was Will's relationship with his grandfather?The relationship between Will and his grandfather was that Will enjoyed being together.
That is a confusing sentence. Who does "his son" refer to? Who does "his" refer to in "his grandfather"? What is meant by "every time Will returned from school"? Where was he going to school if he wasn't going to grammar school?So his son read to his grandfather the paper and every time Will returned from school, he told grampa that he would go to Grammar School and finally to college.
The phrase "read to his grandfather the paper" should be "read the paper to his grandfather". Also, "he told grampa" should be either he told his grampa or he told Grampa. The use of grampa there does, by the way, seem to me to be an odd inconsistency.
That sentence has the man listening and talking at the same time. Also, it should be he explained to Will that he'd need, etc. I don't understand what you mean by afore that day.As his grandfather lisyened to him,he explained Will that he'll need plenty afore that day and hard work.
Who inherited what from whom when?As soon as Will's grandfather died,he inherit his watch.
Start over.When Will started Grammar School,one of his classmates who knew that Will's owed the watch asked him to shwed it to the class and told him that he'll bring it to them later.
(Say: "He asked him to show it to the class.")
Did he take the watch with him without permission?At last Will took the watch out without having been allowed by his mother.
Say that he fell off his bike. Also, you need more context for that.On his way to school Will fell down of his bike and the watch broke.
How did he learn the lesson that it is important to be patient? I don't understand.Only then,Will realized that patient was important in life.