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  1. #1
    IAM 84 is offline Newbie
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    Anyone could correct my IELTS Academic Writing please? Thamks!!

    Hello there,

    this Saturday I have the IELTS test and I am trying to practice the writing part... Does anyone mind to correct my essays please? In which band do you think am I?

    I did the test from Cambridge 7, Test 1.

    Task 1:

    The table presents data on the consumption of different products by people from five locations: Ireland, Italy, Spain, Sweden and Turkey. The items are organized in categories: food/drinks/tobaco, clothing/footwear and, the last one, leisure/education. The information is given in percentages and the table analyses the results of 2002.

    As regards Turkey and Ireland, they are who spend more in food, drinks and tobaco with 32.14% and 28.91%, respectively. Both countries have similar decreasing behaviour with the other two categories, around 6.5% for clothing and footwear and roughly 3% for Leisure and Education. In comparison, Italy, Spain adn Sweden apend over 17% in the first category whereas their spending in the others is quite different. The most stiking change is the consumption between the first and second category. All countries spend much more in food, drinks and tobaco, around 16% an 32%, instead clothing, leisure and so on, in what the percentage is less than 10%.

    Overall, we can see that the most spender in food is Turkey and Ireland whereas Sweden is the least with 15.77%. Another noticeable difference is that Spain is who spends less in leisure an education, almost 2%, while Turkey spends around 4.5%



    TASK 2:
    " It is generally believed that some people are born with certain talents, for instance for sport or music, and others are not. However, it is sometimes claimed that any child can be taught to become a good sports person or musician.
    Discuss both these views and give your own opinion"

    Nowadays, there are many people who have been considered very successful in their sport or musician career. Michael Jackson, John Lenon, Messi and so on are good examples to bear in mind. They are people who have born with a natural talent. But, there are many others such as Rafael Nadal, Jack Johnson who have been training their skills since they were kids. This is why it is often claim that not only talented people could be successful, also kids can learn skills, habits and methods to be good at singing or doing sport.

    Firstly, kids learn faster than adults and we can consider many reasons, for instance they do not have fear because they did no experienced a bad situation before. For example, while they are playing football they are not worried about damage theirselves. Another factor which contributes to learn faster is that they do not have previous bad habits so they do not need to correct bad techniques, and so on. For instance, it is common to see on the music TV programs how teachers constantly correct the prospective singers.

    As regars people who born with talent, they also need to train and develop their own skills. Athough they have more ability and more advantages than others, they can not be relaxed. Therefore, they have to work hard to take advantage of their natural talent because today there is a huge comptence in the music or sport field. Moreover, if they do not develop well their talent, they will probably loose it or they will not improve as well as they could do.

    To conclude, after mention the different views we could say that wether or not talented, people who want to be successful in their career such as music or sport they should enroll in a well-organised program to develop their abilities. It is true that for talented people, improve and be successful, will be easier but there are many other people who will work hard and they also will success in that field.


    Could you tell me in which band am I ???
    Thank you very much for your patience and help!!!!

    :)

  2. #2
    Franklin-the IELTS fan is offline Newbie
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    Re: Anyone could correct my IELTS Academic Writing please? Thamks!!

    Hi IAM 84,

    Task 1

    Sorry, I can't comment on task 1 because there is no table attached here look at.

    Send me a message if you still need feedback for task 1.


    Task 2.

    Criteria:

    Task Response:

    - Your word count (338) is too long with not much to say about the topic. Aim at least 250-275 words.

    - Compare the edited version and see the highlited words. Notice that I deleted some sentences in paragraphs 3 and in the conclusion.

    - You have discussed both views. However, you failed to give more arguments for both sides. Your discussion centered only on training or practice. What about outside factors like influence of parents or peers, or idols. What about economic status?

    Coherence and cohesion:

    - You have used here cohesive devices like nowadays, moreover etc., but you only used most of them to within paragraphs. You should have utilized them more as well for transition between paragraphs to create a fluid flow of ideas from one to another.

    Lexical Resource:

    - You didn't use words that will use your range of vocabulary. Use synonyms, antonyms to vary use of words. Instead of saying "born talented" again in another sentence, you can say "naturally gifted" instead.

    Grammar range and Accuracy:

    - I spotted more errors here than in other criteria. Watch out for confusing words like loose. Loose is an adjective. Lose is a verb.

    - Be consistent with your tense.

    You need to practise more and familiarize yourself of these marking criteria in IELTS writing.

    Band score:

    For me it is 5.5 to 6.


    Due to time constraint, (going to work) I made a rough edited version:
    Good luck on your test:

    _______________________



    Nowadays, there are many people who areconsidered very successful in their sport or music careers. Michael Jackson, John Lenon, Messi and so on are good examples.. They are people who were born with a natural talent. But, there are many others such as Rafael Nadal, Jack Johnson who had been training their skills since they were kids. This is why it is often claimed that not only talented people can be successful, but also kids can learn skills, habits and methods to be good at singing or doing sport.

    Firstly, kids learn faster than adults, and we can consider many reasons: For instance, they do not have fear because they did not experience a bad situation before. Another factor which contributes to learn faster is that they do not have previous bad habits so they do not need to correct bad techniques, and so on. It is common to see on the music TV programs how teachers constantly correct the prospective singers.

    With regards to people who are naturally gifted, they also need to train and develop their own skills. Although they have more abilities and more advantages than others, they cannot be relaxed. They have to work hard to take advantage of their natural talent because nowadays, there is a stiff competition in the music or the sport field. Moreover, if they do not develop well their talents, they will probably lose them or they will not improve at all.

    In conclusion, people improve and succeed in their chosen fields because of hard workd and determination.

    word count: 258

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