Results 1 to 5 of 5
  1. #1
    lakde is offline Newbie
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • Hindi
      • Home Country:
      • India
      • Current Location:
      • India
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Posts
    4
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Proofreading Required

    Hi, I am preparing for IELTS exam and practicing for Essay writing task.

    Need some advice/improvements on the below essay. Also, please rate this essay out of IELTS 9 BANDS.

    Thanks in advance.

    Topic:
    Some people believe that children are given too much free time. They feel that this time should be used to do more school work.

    How do you think children should spend their free time? Give reasons for your answers and include any relevant examples.

    Essay:
    Children are the future of a nation and their healthy development is incumbent for the success of a country. No doubt school work is important but there are other cardinal things germane to the growth of a child.

    Focus should be on the overall growth of a child. One aspect is personality development which can only be induced into a child gradually. Another way of utilizing free time is to encourage children to take interest in some form of art. An art can be music, painting, singing, dancing etc. If a child has a predilection for any sport like cricket, he/she can join a sports club or a local cricket group. A sport involving physical activity makes a child strong both mentally and physically. Every child is special and has an inimitable quality which the parent can gauge and provide tutelage to the child to exploit that matchless quality to become successful in life. For example, if a child has a penchant for new and current affairs then he/she can be given guidance on what he/she can opt during higher studies. This would create a career path for the child and he/she can spend some time on focussing on that area.


    Another way to utilize free time is to encourage the child to give back something useful to the society. For example, a child can go and observe how an NGO works. He/she can take part in social works which include providing education, food and medicines to the poor.

    To sum up, I just want to emphasize that there are plethora of activities that a child can do during free time. All school work and no play would make a bookworm out of the child.

  2. #2
    SirGod's Avatar
    SirGod is offline Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • Romanian
      • Home Country:
      • Romania
      • Current Location:
      • Romania
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Posts
    424
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: Proofreading Required

    Hello! I've noticed in your essay that you missed a lot of commas. Also, you've used a plural where it should be a singular. And I would use a definite article before "free time". I would replace induced into with induced to. I would put like cricket between parentheses. I would replace some time on focussing on that with some time focussing on that. As you can see, I highlighted my changes.

    Children are the future of a nation, and their healthy development is incumbent for the success of a country. No doubt school work is important, but there are other cardinal things germane to the growth of a child.

    Focus should be on the overall growth of a child. One aspect is personality development, which can only be induced to a child gradually. Another way of utilizing free time is to encourage children to take interest in some form of art. An art can be music, painting, singing, dancing etc. If a child has a predilection for any sport (like cricket), he/she can join a sports club or a local cricket group. A sport involving physical activity makes a child strong both mentally and physically. Every child is special and has an inimitable quality which the parent can gauge and provide tutelage to the child to exploit that matchless quality to become successful in life. For example, if a child has a penchant for new and current affairs, then he/she can be given guidance on what he/she can opt during higher studies. This would create a career path for the child, and he/she can spend some time focussing on that area.


    Another way to utilize free time is to encourage the child to give back something useful to the society. For example, a child can go and observe how an NGO works. He/she can take part in social works, which include providing education, food and medicines to the poor.

    To sum up, I just want to emphasize that there is a plethora of activities that a child can do during the free time. All school work and no play would make a bookworm out of the child.
    Last edited by SirGod; 26-Feb-2011 at 23:25.

  3. #3
    lakde is offline Newbie
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • Hindi
      • Home Country:
      • India
      • Current Location:
      • India
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Posts
    4
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: Proofreading Required

    Thank you SirGod. Your comments are really helpful.

    I need one more favour; can you please rate this essay on IELTS scale (9 bands)?

    -Lakde

  4. #4
    SirGod's Avatar
    SirGod is offline Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • Romanian
      • Home Country:
      • Romania
      • Current Location:
      • Romania
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Posts
    424
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: Proofreading Required

    Quote Originally Posted by lakde View Post
    Thank you SirGod. Your comments are really helpful.

    I need one more favour; can you please rate this essay on IELTS scale (9 bands)?

    -Lakde
    You're welcome. I'm sorry, but I have no idea about IETLS' rating system, maybe someone out here can actually rate your work.

  5. #5
    JMurray is offline Key Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Interested in Language
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • New Zealand
      • Current Location:
      • Australia
    Join Date
    Nov 2010
    Posts
    1,739
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: Proofreading Required

    Hope you don't mind SirGod, just noticed a couple of extra things.

    "For example, if a child has a penchant for news and current affairs, then he/she can be given guidance on what he/she can opt for during higher studies."

    I also think it should be "induced into a child". Someone can be "induced to" do something, but they have something "induced into" them.

Similar Threads

  1. Proofreading Required.
    By lakde in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 08-Feb-2011, 18:52
  2. [General] A little help required
    By boozl in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: 12-Mar-2010, 20:21
  3. [Grammar] Is ON required?
    By Dawood Usmani in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 10
    Last Post: 08-Oct-2008, 06:19
  4. Your only 2 mins are required. (Proofreading)
    By asad hussain in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: 19-Feb-2007, 02:37
  5. required by or for?
    By light in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: 30-Nov-2006, 21:14

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •