Results 1 to 2 of 2
  1. #1
    prince6161 is offline Newbie
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • Arabic
      • Home Country:
      • Egypt
      • Current Location:
      • United States
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Posts
    1
    Post Thanks / Like

    Lightbulb Please, could you check on my essay?







    Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Businessmen should do anything they can to make a profit. Use specific reasons and examples to support your position.




    In this competitive world, the time and money change our lives completely. Money is the backbone for our lives, behaviors and communities. The commodities are like birds. One of them is better than hundreds on the tree. We cannot deny that the financial issue is the vital in any community. For this reason, let me divide the people to three groups, poor people, working people and businessmen. So, businessmen are one of the bases in any nations. Businessmen have huge responsibilities. Furthermore, they should have good dealing with customers. Definitely, I would like to say businessmen should have two fundamental things to perform their roles. First one is gentle behaviors and dealing with people. Second one is gaining money in legal ways.

    It is an establishment demand that is good behaviors in purchasing the goods in right ways. Moderate ways to respect and attract the customs are the secrets of any famous merchant. For example, if you are a custom, you want to buy something specifically, and the seller does not have what you want exactly, but his skills that attract you to buy another thing that is called gentle behaviors. If you want to be a good businessman, you should have a smart brain, gentle tongue, and kind heart.

    From my view point, the businessman does not do all ways to reach to money. The businessman must look forward to the future and put himself in the green zone. There are many methods to get money easily or hardily, but the question is “do you think that all of them earn money safely!" Moreover, in business, anyone wants to accumulate his mountains from money that is real. I think besides collecting money the merchant should put his heart, family, and community in the money before joining in any project.


    Earning money is like a chronic disease, but anything must be in its right way. In conclusion, the best businessman should have gentle behaviors and legal work to earn money and respect from the people not only from you also.







  2. #2
    JMurray is offline Key Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Interested in Language
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • New Zealand
      • Current Location:
      • Australia
    Join Date
    Nov 2010
    Posts
    1,781
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: Please, could you check on my essay?

    prince6161.
    You will notice that I seem to have made many changes. However, I can understand most of what you are saying and the ideas you are trying to get across, which is important. But many of the sentences have problems with grammar and missing words, and there is a lot of repetition. It is often difficult for someone else to correct all these things while still keeping your 'voice' in the writing. I don't know what you mean by "green zone" in this context so I hope I have understood your meaning there.

    In this competitive world time and money can change our lives completely because money is the backbone of our lives and communities. Commodities are like birds, one in the hand is better than hundreds in the tree. We cannot deny that financial issues are vital in any community and so I will divide the people into three groups, the poor, the working class, and businessmen. Businessmen are one of the foundations of any nation and have huge responsibilities. Therefore businessmen should have two fundamental attributes. Firstly, they should deal decently with people and, secondly, they should gain their money in legal ways.
    Respect and consideration for the customer is the secret of any successful merchant. For example, if you are a customer and you want to buy something specific and the seller does not have exactly what you want, he can use his skills to attract you to buy another thing that is called gentle persuasion. If you want to be a good businessman you should be both smart and friendly.

    From my viewpoint, the businessman should not do everything just to get money. The businessman must look forward to the future and put himself in a secure position both financially and legally. In business, most people want to accumulate a lot of money, that is true, but I think that besides collecting money the merchant should consider his family, his community and his own heart before joining in any project.

    Earning money can be like a disease, but, like anything else, it can and must be done in the right way. In conclusion, the best businessman should act decently and legally to earn both money and respect.

Similar Threads

  1. [Essay] Please check my essay.
    By sisco in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: 23-Dec-2009, 23:55
  2. [ESSAY] Check this essay for me ! Thanks so much indeed
    By skynet0512 in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 08-Dec-2009, 10:30
  3. Could you, please, check my essay
    By bosaltan1 in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 21-Sep-2008, 00:59
  4. Please check my essay.
    By Tvita in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 18-Mar-2008, 23:25
  5. Please check my essay
    By Raiph in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: 20-Mar-2007, 02:44

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •