It is a financial appeal letter, can anyone check it?

[mandy2011]

Dear Office of Financial Aid,

I appreciate the generous financial aid award letter I received this year, but I still cannot afford to attend St. John’s University.

I am writing this letter to ask you to please reconsider in your decision to my financial aid. I've been having a lot of family problems. For a while year my mother has had a medical condition that makes her unable to work. Her legs are diagnosed of, that is mean she could not stand for a long time due to the pain. Her health condition made her couldn’t stand for a long time. As a result, she could not work.

My dad became the only person in my family to work. Since he is not highly educated, he does not have a high paid job and as a result his monthly income is very low. In addition, at the end of the last year, my parents bought the apartment we are living now. Buying an apartment, my family members and I are 300,000 dollars in debt from borrowing money from relatives. What my parents usually do is to cut daily expense and try to pay off their debts. Also, I have a brother who is will be going to college very soon.

With these financial problems, my family is struggling to pay everyday bills. Therefore, my family is unable to borrow additional loan funds on my behalf.

To prove that I am not Paying lip service and I am a responsible person. I take four AP classes this year and self-studying one AP subject at home. I hope that doing well on these exams will help me to minimize the burden of paying for college.

I also feel anxious to find a part time job (more than one part time job if needed), Because I want to do my best in my high school year, especially I have not been here for a long time, I need to put more effort to prepare for college, I did not take have a part time job. In the coming school year, I will and feel anxious to look for a job since it can ease my financial burden and gain work experience.

I overcame many problems in the past years to adjust the life style in New York City. Now it is the last step to make my dream come true. Financial aid is my only hope to get a good education. I hope St. John’s University will help me to go through it.

With all sincerity, I would like to request the financial aid committee to re-evaluate my financial aid package and make some adjustments so that I can afford my education. Without this enormous blessing I will be unable to attend school. Therefore, I ask for your utmost regard when it comes to reinstating my financial aid.

Thank you for your time and consideration.



THANK YOU!

 

[marmoset]

*only an assistant ESL teacher

Dear Office of Financial Aid,

I appreciate the generous financial aid award letter I received this year, but I still cannot afford to attend St. John’s University.

I am writing this letter to ask you to please reconsider [STRIKE]in [/STRIKE] your decision [STRIKE]to[/STRIKE] about my financial aid. I've been having a lot of family problems. For [STRIKE]a while [/STRIKE] the past year my mother has had a medical condition that makes her unable to work. [STRIKE]Her legs are[/STRIKE] She was diagnosed [STRIKE]of[/STRIKE] with ____, that [STRIKE]is[/STRIKE] means she [STRIKE]could[/STRIKE] cannot stand for a long time due to the pain. [STRIKE]Her health condition made her couldn’t stand for a long time.[/STRIKE] (redundant) As a result, she [STRIKE]could[/STRIKE] [STRIKE]not[/STRIKE] is unable to work.

My [STRIKE]dad[/STRIKE] father became the only working person in my family [STRIKE]to work[/STRIKE]. Since he is not highly educated, he does not have a high-paying [STRIKE]paid[/STRIKE] job [STRIKE]and as a result his monthly income is very low[/STRIKE]. In addition, at the end of [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] last year, my parents bought the apartment we are living now. [STRIKE]Buying an[/STRIKE] Because of the apartment, my family [STRIKE]members and I are[/STRIKE] is $300,000 [STRIKE]dollars[/STRIKE] in debt from borrowing money from relatives. What my parents usually do is to cut daily expenses and try to pay off their debts. (We have been cutting daily expenses to try to pay off our debts.) Also, I have a brother who [STRIKE]is[/STRIKE] will be going to college very soon.

With these financial problems, my family is struggling to pay everyday bills. Therefore, my family is unable to borrow additional [STRIKE]loan funds [/STRIKE] money (or unable to take out additional loans) on my behalf.

To prove that [STRIKE]I am not Paying lip service and [/STRIKE] (too slangy for a formal letter) I am a responsible person, I am taking four AP classes this year and self-studying one AP subject at home. I hope that doing well on the[STRIKE]se[/STRIKE] exams for these courses will help me to minimize the burden of paying for college.

I am also [STRIKE]feel[/STRIKE] anxious to find a part-time job (more than one [STRIKE]part time job[/STRIKE] if needed). Because I want to do my best in [STRIKE]my[/STRIKE] high school [STRIKE]year[/STRIKE], especially since I have not been here for a long time, I need to put more effort into to preparing for college. (You'll want to reword that last sentence.) This is why I have not gotten [STRIKE]did not take have [/STRIKE]a part-time job yet. In the coming school year, I will [STRIKE]and feel[/STRIKE] be anxious to look for a job since it can ease my financial burden and allow me to gain work experience. (This last sentence is redundant.)

I [STRIKE]overcame[/STRIKE] have overcome many problems [STRIKE]in the past years [/STRIKE] to adjust to [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] life [STRIKE]style[/STRIKE] in New York City. [STRIKE]Now it is[/STRIKE] Going to St. John's University is the last step to make my dream come true. Financial aid is my only hope to get a good education. I hope St. John’s University will help me to [STRIKE] go through[/STRIKE] be able to receive it.

With all sincerity, I would like to request the financial aid committee to re-evaluate my financial aid package and make some adjustments so that I can afford my education. Without this enormous blessing I will be unable to attend school.Therefore, I ask for your utmost regard when it comes to reinstating (reinstating means you had it and they took it away. Maybe you mean "deciding on") my financial aid.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


I wonder if you could leave out or reword the part about the apartment.
They may wonder why your family needed/chose such an expensive apartment to buy instead of renting a cheaper one.


My response is probably too late, but I hope not. Good luck getting what you need.