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  1. #1
    Bassim is online now Senior Member
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    Default Please, would you proofread my poem.

    Please, would you proofread my poem "A GLANCE".

    A GLANCE

    You glanced at me and your blue eyes sparkled,
    Giving me a glimmer of hope,
    Which turned into a torrent of tears.

    Later, I saw a picture of you in the paper,
    You have left this world,
    Your glance inside me illuminating my heavy footfalls.

  2. #2
    JMurray is offline Key Member
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    Default Re: Please, would you proofread my poem.

    Bassim.
    I don't feel competent to critique your work as poetry but because it's been sitting here a while I'll make one comment that might help.

    The word "footfall" can imply a number of steps rather than just a single step: "I recognised her footfall on the path outside the house".
    So you could just as well use the singular "footfall" in the final line, the heaviness of each step and to my ear the line finishes on that downbeat a little better without the "s".
    Here is a poetic use of footfall that I found online:
    "The earth adores her footfall. Its shadows flee before the brilliance of her eyes."

    As I said, it's just something that occurred to me when I read your poem.

  3. #3
    Bassim is online now Senior Member
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    Default Re: Please, would you proofread my poem.

    Dear JMurray,

    Thank you for your suggestion. Now I also see that the singular "footfall" is more appropriate than the plural.

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