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  1. #1
    Bassim is offline Senior Member
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    Default Please, would you proofread my text

    This is the seventh part of my text "ON MONEY". Please would you proofread it.

    In the case of war, just as their ancestors, the modern serfs must offer themselves and pay the highest price. As the rich men are busy accumulating their wealth and counting their money, they are unable to fight. Neither are their sons and daughters who study at prestigious universities to obtain knowledge, which will help them to acquire wealth in the coming years.
    The rich man seldom talks to the poor man, but now he comes to him, amiable, jovial, almost pleading, and tells him how great their homeland is. He reminds the poor man of how lucky he is to live there. For a few minutes he transforms into a geography and history teacher and praises high mountains, deep blue rivers and lakes, modern cities with their industry and fascinating countryside.

    He reminds him of the glorious past and his eyes twinkle when he tells the poor man that he and his children are the chosen ones. They should be proud of themselves. Now when the country needs them he knows that they will do their duty and pay back what the country has done for them. After that the rich man shakes hands with the poor man and his children and hurry back to his wealth, while the poor man and his offspring hurry to the barracks and military training grounds.

    They will sweat and moan under the heavy equipment and they will be so exhausted that they will go to bed every evening with an immense relief. When they have learnt how to use the sophisticated weapons and kill effectively, they will be sent into the battle. Their luck will be variable. Some will return unharmed, some without their limbs and some in coffins covered in flags.

    For those who have distinguished themselves with bravery, the rich man has prepared medals and for those in coffins a few speeches which he will deliver with tears in his eyes, although their suffering will never touch him because the wealth he has accumulated, has isolated him from reality. In his mind dead and maimed soldiers are just numbers which one can subtract from the nameless crowd.

    If he has stakes in weapon industry, he will see them as expendable guinea pigs whose death and suffering will help scientists in creating more deadly weapons which will be sold all around the world. Finally when the war is finished, the poor man and his children will walk around not only poor as they were before, but also mentally and physically damaged while the rich man and his children will live their lives as if nothing has happened at all.

    There will be sumptuous dinners, parties, wine tasting, golf courses and morning rides on expensive, fine horses. Occasionally the rich man will give some money to the poor war veteran, but he will avoid him because his appearance could throw the rich man off balance and remind him of his own cowardice and hypocrisy. That will inevitably lead to a serious bout of depression, which the rich man cannot allow himself in the tough race for more money and wealth.
    TO BE CONTINUED

  2. #2
    RonBee's Avatar
    RonBee is offline Moderator
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    Default Re: Please, would you proofread my text

    Commentary.

    Quote Originally Posted by Bassim View Post
    In the case of war, just as with as their ancestors, the modern serfs must offer themselves and pay the highest price.
    It is, I think, important to keep in mind that the serfs of old were required to fight or pay a penalty for not doing so. (That penalty might have been death.) They were lucky if they were paid anything for their service, but they certainly didn't pay anything themselves. (They didn't have any money, or at any rate, very little.) Modern times are different (sometimes not a lot different). Circumstances do, of course, vary from country to country.

    All in all, not bad, but it needs some tweaking.


  3. #3
    RonBee's Avatar
    RonBee is offline Moderator
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    Default Re: Please, would you proofread my text

    Quote Originally Posted by Bassim View Post
    As the rich men are busy accumulating their wealth and counting their money, they are unable to fight.
    Perhaps:
    .
    As the rich men are too busy (and too important) to fight the wars they start, they must hire people to fight their wars for them.



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