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    #1

    Question Can you please edit my essay?

    Topic

    "If you could change one important thing about your country, what would you change? Use reasons and specific examples to support your answer." (300-350 words)

    would you Please edit the passage below? If I overused or use unnecessary words or sentences, please note it to me.



    To me, the most important thing should be improved in my country is the educational system. Each individual of the time being is required to be educated so education has a lion share even in my country. For instance, in my experience as a teacher, children need interact with their teachers as well as peers. As long as their teachers do not know the way of interaction, the children won't how to interact with other people. In my country, this system has been administered by the teacher-based education in which teacher's authority plays an important role and it may not permit students to have creativity or critical thinking. Not engaging in a group(s), being taught antiquated, repetitive school books, not being motivated to study and research facts, the students loose their confidence to continue in the goal-oriental way. In my opinion, first of all the teachers should take specific courses of the ways of interaction with students. They learn how to change their rote methods and placed them with joy activities, vivid and more friendly creative methods. These help not only the teachers but also the students make a good atmosphere both in the classroom and outside. The students need to know how their teacher support them to create a small society with less anxiety and much more confidence.

    The other way of improving the present educational system is strengthening the relationships between every individual with their teachers, peers and books. Unfortunately, teachers here do not take their time to know each student and compare every one with themselves and not with their peers. When I evaluated my students, I recognized every student can make their progress by themselves. The students in my class understand their responsibilities and improve their weaknesses by themselves. They know how their teachers understand them and expect from their capabilities. As a result, the students try to solve the present problem alone and feel satisfaction of themselves. As far as the teacher help the students understand their weak and strong points with regard to their abilities, the students make themselves improve the tough situation where they are. If teachers know their students capacity, they can count on the creativity of their students.




    Educational system is required a huge change in my country. The interaction based on teacher-student and student-student is a way of improving the education. Paying attention to every student is another one. Our country would meet creative, assiduous, goal-oriented and more responsible students in different trends, if the education was potentially changed positively and deeply.

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    #2

    Re: Can you please edit my essay?

    Quote Originally Posted by Ever Student View Post

    To me, the most important thing that should be improved in my country is the educational system. Each individual of the time being in the present day is required to be educated, so education has a lion share (of what?) even in my country. For instance, in my experience as a teacher, children need to interact with their teachers as well as with their peers. As long as their teachers do not know the way of interaction (this is awkward and unclear), the children won't how to interact with other people. In my country, this system (what system?) has been administered by the teacher-based education (word choice problem: education doesn't administer; people or institutions do) in which teacher's authority plays an important role and it (pronoun reference problem: unclear what "it" is) may not permit students to have creativity or critical thinking. Not engaginged in a group(s), being taught antiquated, and repetitive school books, and not being motivated to study and research facts, the students loose their confidence to continue in the a goal-oriental way (parallelism problem; look up "faulty parallelism). In my opinion, first of all the teachers should, first of all, take specific courses on the ways of to interaction with students. They should learn how to change their rote methods and replaced them with joy enjoyable activities, vivid (this word is not the best here)and more friendly creative methods. These help not only the teachers but also the students to create make a good atmosphere both in the classroom and outside. The students need to know how their teachers support them in order to create a small society with less anxiety and much more confidence.

    The other way of improving the present educational system is through strengthening the relationships between every individual with and their teachers, peers and books. Unfortunately, teachers here do not take their time to know each student and to compare every one with themselves (this sounds like the teacher should compare his/her students to him/herself) treat them as individuals, not comparing them to and not with their peers. When I evaluated my students, I recognized that every student can make their own progress by themselves. The students in my class understand their responsibilities and improve their weaknesses by themselves. They know how that their teachers understand them and that the expectations are based on their abilities. expect from their capabilities. As a result, the students try to solve the present problem (what's this problem? unclear) alone and feel satisfaction of themselves (awkward; try: and feel a sense of achievement). As far long as the teachers help the students understand their weak and strong points with regard to their abilities, the students can make themselves improve the tough situation (what is this situation? unclear) where they are in. If teachers know their students' capacity, they can count on the creativity of their students.




    Educational system is requireds a huge change in my country. The interaction based on teacher-student and student-student (what kind of interaction? don't teachers interact with students in your country already? needs to be clearer) is a way of improving the educational system. Paying attention to every student is another one. Our country would meet create (?) creative, assiduous, goal-oriented and more responsible students in different trends (unclear what this means), (there's no comma if the if-clause comes second) if the education was potentially changed positively and deeply.
    I assume this is a TOEFL essay question. You need to review how to structure your essay. You have no introduction. Your arguments need to be clearly organized. You need to identify what your arguments will be in your introduction. Etc.

  2. Ever Student's Avatar
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    #3

    Re: Can you please edit my essay?

    Quote Originally Posted by freezeframe View Post
    I assume this is a TOEFL essay question. You need to review how to structure your essay. You have no introduction. Your arguments need to be clearly organized. You need to identify what your arguments will be in your introduction. Etc.
    thank you.

  3. Ever Student's Avatar
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    #4

    Question Re: Can you please edit my essay?

    How about this introduction?

    There are many problems that should be changed and improved in my country. One of the problems required to be changed is the educational system. People in my country like other people in the world need good education. However, a number of weak points have not improved yet. Unfortunately, taking a twelve-year course, our students have no or little knowledge to gain entrance to the professions. I am studying a couple of weaknesses and to me, the present situation may be improved if they are changed.

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    #5

    Re: Can you please edit my essay?

    Quote Originally Posted by Ever Student View Post
    How about this introduction?

    There are many problems that should be changed and improved in my country. One of the problems required to be changed is the educational system. People in my country, like other people in the world, need good education. However, a number of weak points have not improved yet. Unfortunately, taking a twelve-year course, our students have no or little knowledge to gain entrance to the professions. I am studying a couple of weaknesses and to me, the present situation may be improved if they are changed.

    One of the problems required to be changed is the educational system. = Problems aren't changed, problems are resolved. Changing a problem suggests you're changing it to another problem. It sounds awkward.


    Unfortunately, taking a twelve-year course, our students have no or little knowledge to gain entrance to the professions. > Unfortunately, even though our schools have twelve grades, our students have no or little knowledge to gain entrance into many professions. (grades is AmE word)

    I am studying a couple of weaknesses and to me, I believe that the present situation may be improved if they are changed. > Studying means you're actively analyzing/considering it in some way -- as part of your work or your education.


    General comment: you need to explicitly mention what arguments you'll have in your 3 paragraphs. You should be able to see how 5 paragraph essays are structured and some examples in any TOEFL study guide.


    Example:

    If you could change one important thing about your country, what would you change? Use reasons and specific examples to support your answer.

    I believe that there are three important things (I'm indicating that I'll have 3 reasons/arguments/paragraphs to follow in the body of the essay) that should be changed or improved about my country's educational system (here I'm restating the question). These are: (I'm indicating I'm going to now list the 3 things I'll be discussing below) the design of the humanities curriculum, the design of the standardized testing, and the philosophy of how teachers and students should interact.

  4. Ever Student's Avatar
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    #6

    Re: Can you please edit my essay?

    Quote Originally Posted by freezeframe View Post
    One of the problems required to be changed is the educational system. = Problems aren't changed, problems are resolved. Changing a problem suggests you're changing it to another problem. It sounds awkward.


    Unfortunately, taking a twelve-year course, our students have no or little knowledge to gain entrance to the professions. > Unfortunately, even though our schools have twelve grades, our students have no or little knowledge to gain entrance into many professions. (grades is AmE word)

    I am studying a couple of weaknesses and to me, I believe that the present situation may be improved if they are changed. > Studying means you're actively analyzing/considering it in some way -- as part of your work or your education.


    General comment: you need to explicitly mention what arguments you'll have in your 3 paragraphs. You should be able to see how 5 paragraph essays are structured and some examples in any TOEFL study guide.


    Example:

    If you could change one important thing about your country, what would you change? Use reasons and specific examples to support your answer.

    I believe that there are three important things (I'm indicating that I'll have 3 reasons/arguments/paragraphs to follow in the body of the essay) that should be changed or improved about my country's educational system (here I'm restating the question). These are: (I'm indicating I'm going to now list the 3 things I'll be discussing below) the design of the humanities curriculum, the design of the standardized testing, and the philosophy of how teachers and students should interact.
    i will try to follow it.

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