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  1. #1
    Mayuko is offline Newbie
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    Post This is also a topic of writing section of TOEFL test. If you have some time, I want

    This is also a topic of writing section of TOEFL test. If you have some time, I want to ask revise.

    Question:Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The invention of the Internet has had negative effects on your civilization. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.


    The Internet is a first communication tool ever invented by people to create common global culture with a common language. It has been an integral part of life, and we cannot even imagine a life without it. There are many effects caused by this convenient tool. On the other hand, obviously that has bad influences on people. In this essay, I suggest some positive and negative factors of using Internet.

    In the first place, almost people depend on Internet for information, communication, our shopping needs, and increasingly, our entertainment. Among them, electronic communication, commonly known as email, has been required in keeping relationship between people even overseas. It is hard to find people who don’t have email addresses. Moreover, as new style of purchase, ecommerce is popular among especially young people who like shopping. What can be found on Internet is usually cheaper than what you find in retails, in addition, the delivery is very quick. It must be more convenient for people.

    On the other hand, there are some bad effects on people’s life. As the importance of using Internet is becoming increased, they seem to lose a fear of showing their own privacy on Internet. Even in an interact with strangers, people may register their private information on with no precaution. Moreover, in terms of buying some goods through Internet, with willingness to research what they want to buy, they easily make an valuable credit card purchase, which would cause some troubles.

    In conclusion, after the internet has come into general use in public, we can accept many benefits from this splendid tool. However, we must pay attention to the fact we are always exposed to unexpected serious problems through communicating with others or using helpful information on Internet. Even with taking enough precaution over this weak points, this technology will bring much greater humanity’s life than their imagination. (309)


    Thanks.
    Last edited by Mayuko; 05-Apr-2011 at 08:39.

  2. #2
    luschen is offline Member
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    Default Re: This is also a topic of writing section of TOEFL test. If you have some time, I w

    I would go through and correct your grammatical errors, but I think your essay doesn't clearly address the question. The question asks "do you think the Internet has had a negative effect on your society?" Your essay just lists some good things about the internet and some bad things about it. I think you should develop your third paragraph into the whole essay. So an outline would be something like

    paragraph 1 - the internet is very valuable and an important part of modern life, but it has had some negative effects on society

    paragraphs 2-4 - develop three negative effects the internet has had on your society

    paragraph 5 - I've shown that the internet does indeed have negative effects on my society, but it is still very important and valuable and we must work to minimize these negative effects

    This is all just my opinion of course, I am not an English teacher, but I have written a lot of 5 paragraph essays.

    Does this make any sense?

  3. #3
    Mayuko is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: This is also a topic of writing section of TOEFL test. If you have some time, I w

    I can understand what you mean.
    It doesn't matter whether you are an English teacher or not! I am a beginner of English, so I want to adopt any advices. Thank you for your advice. Accoding to yours, I try to write it again.

  4. #4
    Mayuko is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: This is also a topic of writing section of TOEFL test. If you have some time, I w

    I try to write this essay again with reference of your advice. If possible, let me know your another advice.

    The Internet is a first communication tool ever invented by people to create common global culture with a common language. This device has been so integral part of life that we could not even imagine life without it. However, I support the idea that some bad factors lead by the Internet has influenced on our ordinary days.



    First, there does never exist a strict regulation to restrict especially for juveniles to browse through the wide various kinds of the sites on Internet. It is true the Internet has much useful information, but must be including so hazardous sources to cause some bad effect on young people, who are interested in everything new without taking precaution. Also in Japan, a junior high school committed a crime against innocent people after seeing extreme Internet site which was one of the main reasons to inspire him to act.



    Secondary, as ecommerce has becoming increasingly the most popular way to use the Internet, people lose their fear of making various credit cards purchase over the Internet. In the process of enjoying online shopping, people have to register their private such information as living address, the secret number of the card, their own phone number or even what you buy on line shops. According to the recent high technology to look into even other’s private space on Internet, it seems like people are so innocent to protect themselves from somewhat net crime.




    In general, the convenient tool of the Internet has certainly made our life enriched such as easily communicating with friends overseas, discovering something new or accessing to what is going on in today’s world. On the other hands, we must pay attention to the fact we are always exposed to unexpected serious problems through communicating with others or using helpful information on Internet. Even with taking enough precaution over these weak points, this technology will bring much greater humanity’s life than their imagination.(320)




    Sincerely,

  5. #5
    luschen is offline Member
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    Default Re: This is also a topic of writing section of TOEFL test. If you have some time, I w

    Hi, I think this essay is much better than your original - I have tried to correct some of your grammar mistakes and phrase things a little more clearly.

    Quote Originally Posted by Mayuko View Post
    I try to write this essay again with reference of your advice. If possible, let me know your another advice.

    The Internet is a[the] first communication tool ever invented by people to create [a] common global culture with a common language. This device has been[become] so integral [a] part of life[society] that we could not even imagine life without it. However, I support the idea that some bad factors lead by the Internet has influenced on our ordinary days.[this sentence doesn't make sense to me - what do you mean by ordinary days?]



    First, does never exist a strict regulation[strict regulations do not exist] to restrict especially for juveniles to browse[browsing] through the wide various kinds[variety]of the sites on [the] Internet. It is true [that] the Internet has much useful information, but must be including[it also includes]so hazardous sources to[which] cause some bad effect[s] on young people, who are interested in everything new without taking precaution[s]. Also[For instance,] in Japan, a junior high school [student] committed a crime against innocent people after seeing [an] extreme Internet site which was one of the main reasonsto inspire [inspiring] him to act.



    Secondary[ly], as e-commerce has becoming[become] increasingly the most popular way to use the Internet, people lose their fear of making various credit card purchase[s] over the Internet. In the process of enjoying online shopping, people have to register their private such information [such] as [their] living [home] address, the secret number of the card[their credit card number], their own phone number or even what you[they]buy[bought] [in] online shops. According to the recent high technology to look into even other’s private space on Internet [Judging from the recent high technology developed to spy on other's private space on the Internet], it seems like people are so innocent[too naive] to protect themselves from somewhat net crime.




    In general[conclusion], the convenient tool of the Internet has certainly made our life enriched such as easily communicating[enriched our lives with easy communication with friends overseas, discovering something new or accessing[new discoveries and access to what is going on in today’s world. On the other hand, we must pay attention to the fact [that]we are always exposed to unexpected [and] serious problems through communicating with others or using helpful information on [the]Internet. Even with[Hopefully, by] taking enough precaution[s] over[against] these weak points[pitfalls], this technology will bring much greater humanity’s life than their imagination.(320)[enhance humanity's life more than we can imagine.]




    Sincerely,

  6. #6
    Mayuko is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: This is also a topic of writing section of TOEFL test. If you have some time, I w

    Luschen, thank you for your revice. Seriously.Followimg your advice, I try to improve my writing skill.
    In Japan, a new semester starts next week at my university. But I am constantly supposed to write as much essay as possible. If possible, when you see my essay, please give me some advice. It will be my pleasure.
    Thanks,:)
    mayu

  7. #7
    Mayuko is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: This is also a topic of writing section of TOEFL test. If you have some time, I w

    The Internet is a[the] first communication tool ever invented by people to create [a] common global culture with a common language. This device has been[become] so integral [a] part of life[society] that we could not even imagine life without it. However, I support the idea that some bad factors lead by the Internet has influenced on our ordinary days.[this sentence doesn't make sense to me - what do you mean by ordinary days?]

    I want to say even ordinaly or innocent person can be affected by some bad influences through using the Internet.

  8. #8
    luschen is offline Member
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    Default Re: This is also a topic of writing section of TOEFL test. If you have some time, I w

    Quote Originally Posted by Mayuko View Post
    The Internet is a[the] first communication tool ever invented by people to create [a] common global culture with a common language. This device has been[become] so integral [a] part of life[society] that we could not even imagine life without it. However, I support the idea that some bad factors lead by the Internet has influenced on our ordinary days.[this sentence doesn't make sense to me - what do you mean by ordinary days?]

    I want to say even ordinaly or innocent person can be affected by some bad influences through using the Internet.
    Hi, now I understand what you are trying to say. "Ordinary days" sounds very awkward to my English ears. You could say "I had an ordinary day", but if you are talking about ordinary days in general, it sounds better to say "a part of everyday life" or "in normal times" or even "these days"

    So your sentence could be "However, I support the idea that some factors introduced by the Internet have had a bad influence on our everyday lives."

    I am sorry English sometimes seems so arbitrary! Hopefully this is helpful to you.

  9. #9
    Mayuko is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: This is also a topic of writing section of TOEFL test. If you have some time, I w

    No, no.Thank you for your advice. Seriously. I can really understand what your sentence"English sometimes seems so arbitrary" means.You know I am not a native English speaker so that I couldn't even figure out the difference of nuance in English laguage between English speakers and non-English speakers. That is why your advice is very valued for me.
    Thanks.
    mayu

  10. #10
    luschen is offline Member
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    Default Re: This is also a topic of writing section of TOEFL test. If you have some time, I w

    It is my pleasure Mayuko - I enjoy proofreading these essays - I feel they help me learn a little bit about other cultures. I hope you were not affected by the devastation in Japan and I wish you good luck in your studies at the university. What are you majoring in there?

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