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  1. #1
    rjsmith33054 is offline Newbie
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    Default Revise Help me please

    Can some one read and revise my paper for me please really need help on this one.

    When a bus come up what is your first reaction? Do you notice the large group of people on the crowded bus pushing one another to get off? Or is more of your attention focused on the ordinary pictures filled with poor colors posted against the white bus? Reviewing a bus from the outside can represent a whole new perspective if you are not familiar with the unexpected events a bus can surprise you to.

    People are the negative priority that comes with the bus. Starting from the bus driver, they can have one of the nastiest attitude that is out there. They force people on the bus as passengers have a hard time trying to get all the nickels and dimes into out of date non-functioning machine. Talk to them in a rude manner as if they did something to ruin their time when they want to ask a general question about the bus route. The bus driver go to none of the requested stop to pick up and drop off people because they are to focus on the phone. Being in their own little world, not paying attention to the road. Its gets worse when the bus driver expresses road rage with anger and profanity, slamming on the horn and breaks, driving the bus around other cars as he think this was a race track. The bus driver is not the only ignorant one. The passenger who ride the bus. You can have a lady who just hoped on the bus talking on the cell phone. Her speaker is loud, she shares her phone conversation with everybody on the bus. Discussing issues publicly that are best kept secret, laughing and giggling loud like she at a comedy show. Then in the back of the bus, a man blasting his radio on his touch screen phone as if he is hosting his own unique block party. Playing rap music with explicit material that disturb the other passenger, while two of his friends are dancing to the music from the phone, showing no common sense, talking in a different language, being loud and harsh toward the other people sitting close to them in fear. Instead of being a likeable clam trip to your destination, the bus ride is in chaos.

    The Inside of the bus is not a pretty sight to see. While the passengers see where there at seat the first thing they realized that the seats are out of date, the seats are cold and austere like prison style. The plastic that wrapped around the leather seat have cracks and stains where people do not like to guess where they came from at this point. The graffiti from the seats is offended and painful for some of the passenger to see. Some of the seats are missing. So some of the passengers have to take the long sliver poles to keep their balance, which makes them feel chilled and unwelcome. The roof does not make the appearance any better. Water leaking from the cracks landing on the passengers make it a nightmare for them, it also makes the floor slippery as if a quick shower just took place inside the bus. Another issue is the temperature in the bus. It is not suitable for the seasons in the summer the broken AC unit turns the bus into a volcano ready to explode. Trying to get a decent seat close to the window might not help just to find out that it can not open. During the winter season, it so cold on the bus it turns the interior into a freezer. The problem the passengers face now is staying warm due to the out of date heater not working on the bus.

    Smell is another factor that bother people on the bus. When a bus approaches the passengers, the first thing the passengers start smell is the exhaust from the bus. The smell of the exhaust starts to choke you as if you just walk into a toxic gas chamber. Start to cough continually like you just sniff peppers. Protecting your nose with a cloth while walking to your seat, when you got close the seat gave a spoiled scent of long over due milk. This is just the beginning of the smelling issue. Another one is unacceptable body odor. It is a horrible smell to come in contact with, defiantly when you have a passenger just got on the bus with their gym clothes still on them. The individual and there clothes are covered in dirt and sweat as if they just played football, baseball and soccer in the mud. The passenger can not sit down because all of the seat taken, so they come stand by you and hold the pole. When they raise their arm up you start to smell an unpleasant smell that hit you like a brick wall. When you try to turn your head in a different way you begin to notice another foul odor that attacks your nose. The passenger who is sitting next to you by the window open her mouth, which gave a strong scent of a cigarette odor. The smell of their breath turns your stomach inside out as if she just smoke an entire case before she got on the bus. The lady jacket gave a stronger odor of the cigarette she was still covered in ashes from it. The odor of the smoke was getting into your eyes making you want to cry as if you just got done cutting a large onion. When the passenger notice more about their odor they try to cover it up with perfume. Doing this just made the smell even worse. The smell of cigarette smoke and perfume made it even harder to operate your noise.

    In conclusion, your ride on a bus could be extremely surprising. You can never know what to expect on these buses. The smell appearance and people can bring significant consequence to face. So think again when the bus approach you. Would you be prepared to face the unexpected? If not get ready for a uncomfortable ride.

  2. #2
    luschen is offline Member
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    Default Re: Revise Help me please

    Hi, I am not an English teacher, but I will try to make a few corrections. It is a very funny essay - try to make sure to keep your verb tenses consistent throughout each paragraph. You kept going back between present and past.

    Quote Originally Posted by rjsmith33054 View Post
    Can some one read and revise my paper for me please really need help on this one.

    When a bus come[drives] up what is your first reaction? Do you notice the large group of people on the crowded bus pushing one another to get off? Or is more of your attention focused on the ordinary pictures filled with poor[why are they poor? faded, drab, washed-out?] colors posted against the white bus? Reviewing[Observing] a bus from the outside can represent a whole new perspective if you are not familiar with the unexpected events a bus can surprise you to[with which a bus can surprise you]. [This last sentence is still not too good - can you try to reword it?]

    People are the[a] negative priority[aspect] that comes with the bus. Starting from[Beginning with] the bus driver, they[who] can have one of the nastiest attitude[s] that is out there. They force people on[onto] the bus as passengers have a hard time trying to get all the nickels and dimes into [the] out-of-date non-functioning machine. Talk[ing] to them in a rude manner as if they did something to ruin their time[the driver's day] when they want to ask a general question about the bus route. The bus driver go[goes] to none of the requested stop[s] to pick up and drop off people[the riders] because they areto[too] focus[ed] on the[their] phone. Being in their own little world, not paying attention to the road. Its gets worse when the bus driver expresses road rage with anger and profanity, slamming on the horn and breaks[brakes], driving the bus around other cars as [if]he think[s] this was a race track. The bus driver is not the only ignorant one. [Consider] The passenger[s] who ride the bus. You can have a lady who just hopped on the bus talking on the[her] cell phone. Her speaker is loud; she shares her phone conversation with everybody on the bus. Discussing issues publicly that are best kept secret, laughing and giggling [out] loud like she [is] at a comedy show. Then in the back of the bus, a man [is] blasting his radio on his touch screen phone as if he is hosting his own unique block party. Playing rap music with explicit material [lyrics] that disturb the other passenger[s], while two of his friends are dancing to the music from the phone, showing no common sense, talking in a different language, being loud and harsh toward the other people sitting close to them in fear. Instead of being a likeable clam trip[don't know what a clam trip is] to your destination, the bus ride is in chaos.

    The Inside of the bus is not a pretty sight to see. While[When] the passengers see where there at seat[they are to sit] the first thing they realized [is] that the seats are out of date: the seats are cold and austere like [those in] prison style. The plastic that wrapedp[wraps] around the leather seat have[has] cracks and stains. where people do not like to guess where they came from at this point. [Where the stains came from, the passengers would rather not guess] The graffiti from [on] the seats is offended[offensive] and painful for some of the passenger to see. Some of the seats are missing. So some of the passengers have to take[grab] the long sliver poles to keep their balance, which makes them feel chilled and unwelcome. The roof does not make the appearance any better. Water leaking from the cracks landing on the passengers make[s] it a nightmare for them,[new sentence] it also makes the floor slippery as if a quick shower just took place inside the bus. Another issue is the temperature in the bus. It is not suitable for the seasons[ , since] in the summer the broken AC unit turns the bus into a volcano ready to explode. Trying to get a decent seat close to the window might not help just to[when they] find out that it can not open. During the winter season, it so cold on the bus it turns the interior into a freezer. The problem the passengers face now is staying warm due to the out of date heater not working on the bus.

    Smell is another factor that bother[s] people on the bus. When a bus approaches the passengers, the first thing the passengers start smell is the exhaust from the bus. The smell of the exhaust starts to choke you as if you [had] just walk[ed] into a toxic gas chamber. Start[ing] to cough continually like you just sniff[ed] peppers. Protecting your nose with a cloth while walking to your seat, [new sentence] when you got close the seat gave a spoiled scent of long over due[expired] milk. This is just the beginning of the smelling issue. Another one is unacceptable body odor. It is a horrible smell to come in contact with, defiantly[definitely] when you have a passenger [who] just got on the bus with their gym clothes still on them[still wearing their gym clothes]. The individual and there[their] clothes are covered in dirt and sweat as if they just played football, baseball and soccer in the mud. The passenger can not sit down because all of the seat [are] taken, so they come stand by you and hold the pole. When they raise their arm up you start to smell an unpleasant smell that hit[s] you like a brick wall.[ a brick wall cannot hit you - you hit a brick wall. You could say "like a ton of bricks"] When you try to turn your head in a different way[direction] you begin to notice another foul odor that attacks your nose. The passenger who is sitting next to you by the window open[ed] her mouth, which gave a strong scent of a cigarette odor. The smell of their[her] breath turns your stomach inside out as if she just smoke[d] an entire case before she got on the bus. The lady's jacket gave[gives] a stronger odor of the cigarette [as if] she was[is] still covered in ashes from it. The odor of the smoke was[is] getting into your eyes making you want to cry as if you [had] just got done[finished] cutting a large onion. When the passenger notice[s] more about their odor they try to cover it up with perfume. Doing this just made[makes] the smell even worse. The smell of cigarette smoke and perfume made[makes] it even harder to operate your noise. [ operate your noise? do you mean harder to breathe?]

    In conclusion, your ride on a bus could be extremely surprising. You can never know what to expect on these buses. The smell, appearance, and people can bring significant consequence[s]. So think again when the bus approach[es] you. Would you be prepared to face the unexpected? If not get ready for a uncomfortable ride.

  3. #3
    rjsmith33054 is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Revise Help me please

    Thank you for the help

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