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  1. #1
    Bassim is offline Senior Member
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    Default Please, would you proofread my text

    This is the second part of my text "SHOAH". Please, would you proofread it.

    Despite all scientific and technological progress and much better living conditions, we have still remained the same creatures as we have been for the last thousands years: split between the brutal, law impulses and a higher, spiritual part of us which belong to the universe. However, judging by the reality, it seems that the majority of us do not care about the second part.

    If one asks ordinary people in the street about their goals and dreams, their answers will be quite predictable. They will mention job, money, marriage, house, children, car and similar things which one usually associates with appearances. It is also highly predictable that almost nobody will answer, “I want to discover myself and learn more about human existence.”
    It looks as if people living in the 21st century do not have time for such “nebulous” phenomena. They have become spoilt and lazy and want to see the action happening before their eyes, the more excited, brilliant and colourful, the better.

    Appearances are so deeply rooted in human beings that only individuals with strong will, long experience and higher spiritual life can avoid their alluring power.
    For example, when an attractive woman walks the street, she is followed by the hungry eyes of the men who almost all have the same thought on their minds which shouts, “I want you!” At the very first moment, they see her not as a human being, but as an object which will satisfy their desire. An expensive sport car and similar gadgets can have the same effect on the human brain, looking all the time for new impressions and attractions.

    Our brain is like a wild horse which is almost impossible to tame. As soon as its desire is satisfied and man believes that now he can enjoy peace and quiet, the brain becomes restless and runs away, galloping towards only for him known grassland. But we will never know if it is real of an imagination. How many times I have observed women in front of the shop window looking at the dress or a bag, sighing and talking about them as if their whole existence depends on these products. They could stand there for many minutes discussing the colours, forms, and the quality of the materials and their brains have already created a new reality for them in which these objects will give them the ultimate happiness.

    When I see them and hear their animated voices, I have a desire to come up and offer to buy them that latest fashion dress or a bag, only to tell them that already the next week it will not be so attractive in their eyes, because the next week they will be another dress in the shop window, advertised as more beautiful, comfortable and better quality than the previous one.

    However, knowing how my fellow human beings think, I will be risking to be seen as another madman, harassing women and spoiling their pleasure in admiring an object which they are yearning for and which will give them satisfaction, even if it is for a few hours or days.
    One can complain about the lack of spirituality in our modern civilisation, but there are people around who are perfectly satisfied with such situation. One group of them are our political leaders. They do not want to see their fellow citizens wasting their energy and brooding over something which one cannot see with the naked eye. As they treat people as children and see themselves as fathers , politicians cannot risk to appear stupid and unable to answer on the eventual questions about the meaning of life and higher state of consciousness.

    Their job is to manipulate and promise lower taxes, high wages, lower mortgages and less crime. In their narrow-minded world, the universe exists only as a place where enormous amounts of minerals and oilfields still wait to be exploited and where human beings one day are going to be send to conquer and create more business opportunities.

    Like many of their subjects, politicians have been using lower parts of the brain which deal with instincts, aggression and survival. Any discussion about spirituality would show to their voters how shallow and primitive they are. Therefore, every politician shuns those who have understood the meaning of life. They make him feel insignificant, ignorant and wretched. And the worst of all, his well-prepared speech will sound hollow.
    TO BE CONTINUED

  2. #2
    freezeframe is offline Key Member
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    Default Re: Please, would you proofread my text

    What is this essay for?

    Just a general comment: it reads as overly didactic and hyperbolic, offering no evidence for the claims that are tenuous at best. Some of your claims are overly sweeping and much too strong and they have no supporting evidence. This, let's say, style, is not appropriate for most types of papers.

  3. #3
    Bassim is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: Please, would you proofread my text

    Dear freezeframe,
    I have to tell you that this is not a scientific essay where one have to include the names of the quoted books and authors. These are simply my own thoughts after reading of thousands of books from different fields and my own life experience.
    This is my way of learning English.I simply decide what to write about and then let my brain float freely and come up with some thoughts. But even for many of my assertions I could give you quotes from scientific books, but that would be too long list to quote.

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    freezeframe is offline Key Member
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    Default Re: Please, would you proofread my text

    Quote Originally Posted by Bassim View Post
    Dear freezeframe,
    I have to tell you that this is not a scientific essay where one have to include the names of the quoted books and authors. These are simply my own thoughts after reading of thousands of books from different fields and my own life experience.
    This is my way of learning English.I simply decide what to write about and then let my brain float freely and come up with some thoughts. But even for many of my assertions I could give you quotes from scientific books, but that would be too long list to quote.
    You can write whatever you want for yourself. I don't care about opinions expressed one way or another and I don't need any quotes or citations.

    I was merely commenting that this style would not be appropriate for an assignment.

  5. #5
    freezeframe is offline Key Member
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    Default Re: Please, would you proofread my text

    Here's the first part of your text edited.

    This is the second part of my text "SHOAH". Please, would you proofread it.

    Despite all the scientific and technological progress and much better living conditions, we have still remained the same creatures as we have been for the last thousands years (thousand years or thousands of years): split between thebrutal, lawless (law is wrong word) impulses and a higher, spiritual part of us which belongs to the universe.
    I would rephrase last part as: split between our brutal lawless impulses and our higher spiritual part which belongs to the universe. This also makes your sentence structure parallel.

    However, judging by the reality (the reality of what? this is awkward and needs rephrasing), it seems that the majority of us do not care about the second part.
    If one asks ordinary people in on the street about their goals and dreams, their answers will be quite predictable. They will mention job, money, marriage, house, children, car and similar other things which one usually associates with appearances.

    It is also highly predictable that almost nobody will answer, “I want to discover myself and learn more about human existence.”
    It looks as if people living in the 21st century do not have time for such “nebulous” phenomena. They have become spoilt and lazy and want to see the action happening before their eyes (this is okay but somewhat awkward), the more exciteding, brilliant and colourful, the better.
    Appearances are so deeply rooted in human beings that only individuals with strong will, long experience and higher spiritual life can avoid their alluring power.
    This is awkward. How/where are appearances rooted in human beings? In our minds? In our culture? In our genetics? What do you mean to say?

    For example, when an attractive woman walks down the street, she is followed by the hungry eyes of the men who almost all have the same thought on their minds: which shouts, “I want you!” At the very first moment, They immediately see her not as a human being, but as an object which will satisfy their desire.
    You have a propensity for writing long sentences. There's nothing wrong with that as such but you tend to lose control of them and just start piling on clauses and phrases. You need to construct them more carefully and/or write shorter sentences.


    An expensive sports car and similar gadgets can have the same effect on the human brain, looking all the time for new impressions and attractions.
    The underlined modifier is an example of a dangling modifier. It should modify "human being" or "us" or something similar. The subject of your sentence is "and expensive sports car and similar gadgets" -- they do not look for new impressions. You need to rewrite this sentence or break it into two and make it clear who's doing the looking.


    If you have any questions, let me know. I might edit more when I have time. Cheers.

  6. #6
    Bassim is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: Please, would you proofread my text

    Dear freezeframe,

    Thank you for helping me with this text. I really appreciate every help I receive on this forum.

    In the first sentence I wrote the wrong word "law" impulses. Actually I wanted to write low impulses. Can one use the word "low impulses?"
    In the second sentence, could I instead of "judging by reality", write "judging by the world around us?"
    Is it all right to write, Appearances are deeply rooted in our culture?"
    Could I rephrase the sentence "An expensive sports cars...." into the following sentence, "An expensive sports car and similar gadgets can have the same effect on human beings, because we are looking all the time for new impressions and attractions."

    All the best,
    B.

  7. #7
    freezeframe is offline Key Member
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    Default Re: Please, would you proofread my text

    Thank you for helping me with this text. I really appreciate every all the help I receive on this forum. Help is uncountable.
    In the first sentence I wrote the wrong word "law" impulses. Actually I wanted to write low impulses. Can one use the word "low impulses?"
    You can. A good word to use here is base. "Base impulses" is a common collocation.

    In the second sentence, could I instead of "judging by reality", write "judging by the world around us?"
    Yes.

    Is it all right to write, Appearances are deeply rooted in our culture?"
    Yes. This is much better than what you had before.


    Could I rephrase the sentence "An expensive sports cars...." into the following sentence, "An expensive sports car and similar gadgets can have the same effect on human beings_ because we are always looking all the time for new impressions and attractions."
    Yes. Your rephrased sentence is clear.

  8. #8
    Bassim is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: Please, would you proofread my text

    Dear freezeframe,

    Thank you again for your help and all the explanations. They have really helped me much.

  9. #9
    freezeframe is offline Key Member
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    Default Re: Please, would you proofread my text

    II

    Our brain is like a wild horse which is almost impossible to tame.
    As soon as its desire is satisfied and man believes that now he can enjoy peace and quiet, the brain becomes restless and runs away, galloping towards only for him known a grassland known only to him.
    This whole sentence is a mess. First of all, the the use of "its" followed by "man", then "he", then "brain" is confusing. The pronoun reference of "its" becomes not entirely clear. Secondly, the image of the brain running away doesn't work for me. I would find some other words to describe what you are saying. This is a stylistic objection so you are welcome to ignore it.

    Also, it's not considered appropriate anymore to refer to human beings as a generic man. Man and human being are no longer synonyms.


    But we will never know if it is real of an imagination or imaginary.
    What is it? You can read a whole lot of stuff about faulty pronoun references here.

    How many times have I have observed women in front of the a shop windowlooking at the a dress or a bag, sighing and talking about them as if their whole existence depends on these products.
    More pronoun reference problems: them and their refer to two different things; this makes the sentence confusing.

    They could stand there for many minutes discussing the colours, forms, and the quality of the materials and their brains have already created a new reality for them in which these objects will give them the ultimate happiness.
    Awkward with all the pronouns; also see your next sentence! You need to rephrase and/or break into two sentences. And you need to break up the flood of "them, their, they" with the actual thing these pronouns refer to.

    When I see them and hear their animated voices, I have a desire to come up to themand offer to buy them that latest fashionable dress or a bag, only to tell them (would you actually buy or just offer? unclear) that already the next week it will not be so attractive in their eyes, because the next week theyre will be another dress in the shop window, advertised as more beautiful, more comfortable and of a better quality than the previous one.
    This needs to be broken into smaller sentences. It's clunky!
    However, knowing how my fellow human beings think, I will would be risking to be seen as yet another madman, harassing women and spoiling their pleasure * in admiring an object which they are yearning for and which will give them satisfaction, even if it is only for a few hours or days.
    * Here you need to rephrase: the sentence isn't clear if "in admiring..." goes with pleasure or spoiling



    Again, your sentences are long and they get confusing and unwieldy. Try writing shorter sentences while you're mastering how to put together longer ones.

  10. #10
    Bassim is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: Please, would you proofread my text

    Dear freezeframe,

    Thank you again for your advice and your corrections. They are for me worth their weight in gold.

    I wonder if I could rephrase the paragraph starting with "Our brain is like a wild horse which is impossible to tame..."
    into following sentences:
    Our mind often behaves like a wild, runaway horse, difficult to tame. As soon as a human being has satisfied his or her desire, the mind becomes restless again and runs towards another "grassland." A human being tries to control it and pulls on the reins, but the mind rears up and bolts again. A human being is confused. He or she wishes to enjoy peace and quiet, but their mind does not leave them alone, pulling them into the world of imagination.

    How many times have I observed women in front of a shop window looking at a dress or a bag, sighing and talking about these goods as if their whole existence depends on them.
    The women could stand there for many minutes discussing the colours, forms and the quality of the materials. Their minds have already created a new reality in which these objects will be presented as a ultimate happiness.

    When I see them and hear their animated voices, I have a desire to come up to them and buy them the latest fashionable dress or a bag. I wish to tell them that already the next week these products will be not so attractive in their eyes. The next week there will be another dress or a bag in a shop window, advertised as more beautiful, more comfortable and of a better quality than the previous one.
    However, knowing how my fellow human being think, I would be risking to be seen as yet another madman harassing women and spoiling their happiness. After all, they are entitled to admire the objects they yearn for and which will give them satisfaction, even if only for a few hours or days.

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