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  1. #11
    freezeframe is offline Key Member
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    Default Re: Please, would you proofread my text

    Our mind often behaves like a wild, runaway horse, difficult to tame. As soon as a human beinghas satisfied his or her desire(s), the mind becomes restless again and runs towards another "grassland." A human being The person tries to control it and pulls on the reins, but the mind rears up and bolts again. This person is (now) confused. He or she wishes to enjoy peace and quiet, but their mind does not leave them alone, pulling them into the world of imagination.
    This is much more clear. The changes I made above are stylistic.

    How many times have I observed women in front of a shop window looking at a dress or a bag, sighing and talking about these goods as if their whole existence depends on them.
    There's still a problem with pronouns here.

    Compare: How many times have I observed women in front of a shop window, looking at a dress or a bag, sighing, talking as if their whole existence depended on these (material) goods.

    I removed one of the pronouns to make the references clear.
    As a suggestion, I added material -- "material goods" is a common collocation; it seems to me to fit in with what you're trying to say.


    The women could stand there for many minutes discussing the colours, forms and the quality of the materials. Their minds have already created a new reality in which these objects will be presented as a are the ultimate happiness.
    For many minutes sounds a little strange -- minutes is not a long time. Consider saying "stand there for a long time"

    If the reality is already "created", then you need to use "are" not "will be". Also, ultimate needs definite article as there can be only one ultimate something.

    When I see them and hear their animated voices, I have a desire want/wish to come up to them and buy them the latest fashionable dress or a bag. I wish to tell them that already the next week these products will not be not so attractive in their eyes. The next week there will be another dress or a bag in a shop window, advertised as more beautiful, more comfortable and of a better quality than the previous one.

    However, knowing how my fellow human beings think, I would be risking to be seen as yet another madman, harassing women and spoiling their happiness. After all, they are entitled to admire the objects they yearn for and which will give them satisfaction, even if only for a few hours or days.

    I think your rewrites are much better than the original. Your meaning is more clear and the flow is much better.

  2. #12
    Bassim is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: Please, would you proofread my text

    Dear freezeframe,

    Thank you so much for your help and your prompt reply. You have taught me so many things which I will remember for the future and try to apply whenever I write.

    Have a nice day,

    B.

  3. #13
    freezeframe is offline Key Member
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    Default Re: Please, would you proofread my text

    One can complain about the lack of spirituality in our modern civilisation, but there are people around who are perfectly satisfied with such situation. One group of them are our political leaders. They do not want to see their fellow citizens wasting their energy and brooding over something which one cannot see with the naked eye.
    More pronoun reference problems -- the two instances of their refer to different antecedents.

    AsBecause they treat people as children and see themselves as fathers, politicians cannot risk to appearing stupid and unable to answer on the eventual (not the best word here; there's no process that you're describing) questions about the meaning of life and higher state of consciousness.
    Their job is to manipulate (whom? what?) and promise lower taxes, high wages, lower mortgages and less crime. In their narrow-minded world_ the universe exists only as a place where enormous amounts of minerals and oil_fields still wait to be exploited and where one day human beings one day are going to be send to conquer (what?) and create more business opportunities.
    Like many of their subjects, politicians have been using lower parts of the brain (do you mean the physical lower part of the brain? cerebellum?) which deal with instincts, aggression and survival . Any discussion about spirituality would show to their voters how shallow and primitive they are.
    they = politicians or voters? Pronoun reference problem

    Therefore, every politician shuns those who have understood the meaning of life. They make him feel insignificant, ignorant and wretched. And the worst of all, his well-prepared speech will sound hollow.

  4. #14
    Bassim is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: Please, would you proofread my text

    Dear freezeframe,

    Thank you again for your detailed explanations.

    I wonder if I could rephrase the sentence "They do not want to see their fellow citizens wasting their energy..."
    into:
    "They do not want to see fellow citizens wasting energy and brooding over something which one cannot see with the naked eye. "

    and then, could I use the world the perennial questions instead of eventual and write:

    "Because they treat people as children and see themselves as fathers, politicians cannot risk appearing stupid and unable to answer the perennial questions about the meaning of life and higher state of consciousness.

    Their job is to manipulate citizens and promise lower taxes, high wages, lower mortgages and less crime. In their narrow-minded world the universe exists only as a place where enormous amounts of minerals and oilfields still wait to be exploited and where one day human beings are going to be send to conquer the space and create more business opportunities.

    Like many of their subjects, politicians have been using the hindbrain, which deals with instincts, aggression and survival. Any discussion about spirituality would show the voters how shallow and primitive politicians are.

    All the best,
    B.

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